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Today's Top Stories, Ingested, Regurgitated And Reinterpretted

By Max Burbank
May ist, 2005
(A SHORT NOTE ON TECHNIQUE: With a nod to William Burrough's middle period, every word in the following article was cut and pasted from the AP and Reuters news services. Not a single word has been added. Their order has been rearranged for aesthetic reasons.)

Nashville -- 5-year-old female Alberto Gonzales was released after posting charges of simple assault, a Los Angeles County prosecutor said, beating out a popular and wobbling Pekinese. Actor Tom Sizemore has been failing angry mourners, President Bush said at the swearing in ceremony after the Asian tsunami lasted nearly eight weeks. Syrian President Kid Rock fought parents in an agonizing custody battle and was handed a 4-month-old prosthetic penis Wednesday in a joyous courtroom reunion. "Everything is night," Kid Rock said as Syrian intelligence agents punched a disc jockey. Attorney General Bashar Assad, a German shorthaired pointer dog, was swept from his mother's arms on Friday. Police deployed here shouted insults at White House spokesman Scott McClellan. In the meantime, a boy who said, "remove your reference to the illusion of progress in this new war" was arrested Wednesday after he was caught trying to fake an unprecedented commitment to reduce the passage of safety. 15,000 troops Posing like the science of climate change were jailed for violating a strip club. "We are still learning about the gliding gait of dogs from Beirut," McClellan said, "We must not allow the growth of Actor Tom Sizemore to weaken our terrorism, or delay the swearing-in ceremony of Carlee, America's champion bloodhound." A drug test of a Norfolk terrier continues to grow 34-year-old greenhouse gas emissions. "We have made a beautiful Justice symbol" said rapper Scott McClellan, his wonderful soft eyes beating. "Since 1976, on a misdemeanor punishable by a year in jail, our economy won best in show. We must resolve to use a part of the overall contingent, not the Criminal Justice of the Westminster Kennel Club."

"Everything is night," said police Tuesday. "The results of a 34-year-old war will reduce the passage of safety."

In entertainment news, FBI Director "Big Meg" purchased a misleading photo depicting plaster casts of leader Kim Jong Il and actress Ashley Olsen. She was so famous it may be only a matter of chemical, biological, or nuclear terror before al-Qaida must focus on all of her body. Your father cannot recall wanting his wife killed. Secretive Senate Intelligence does not actually circumvent an arrogant Robert Mueller, despite gains made by routing radicalized Muslim spiders that risk selling drugs, their eyes blackened like a tiger. The 300-million-year-old Robert Blake made it appear operatives wanted security enhancements to attack other groups, while a story in the tabloid's warned of heightened nuclear tensions. Director Porter Goss said a daring porcupine was stalking him, her eyes half-shut, "drugged". Awaiting the largest prosthetic penis ever displayed in numerous museums, Actor Tom Sizemore and other affiliates issued an unusually blunt statement, saying, "The United States is intent on finding ways to photograph Ashley Olsen for the Internet. Your father must focus on all of her body."

 The mostly radiological tiger Alberto Gonzales implied that he was with CIA Director Robert Blake. "We are saying anything. We have the swaggers against al-Qaida. Since 1976 their beautiful soft eyes cautioned of the worries of converts inside the earth." A sleeper was caught comparing Kim Jong Il to the gliding gait of Carlee, America's champion bloodhound. "She just said that all of her body was homeland." Goss intoned. "She just said that her eyes were half-shut. She just said her eyes were blackened. She just said it was only a matter of a daring porcupine wanting all of her body."

"Everything is night," said rapper Scott McClellan Wednesday. "Everything is night."

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