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You ain't seein' double pal! It's two Saleeby articles in one!!!

By John Saleeby
By John Saleeby

As all Americans know, one of the most delightful aspects of any Presidential election is laughing at all the hilarious jokes big time Hollywood comedy writers contribute to the candidate's speeches. And in the case of the Al Gore 2000 campaign the clever quips and sly one liners that make each one of the Democratic nominee's speeches so amusing aren't contributed by just any big time Hollywood comedy writer, they're by his very own 22 year old daughter Kristin who has gone straight from Harvard into a job writing the Fox animated series FUTURAMA.

"I know a lot of people think we hired Kristin just because she's the Vice President's daughter." says Matt Groenig, creator of FUTURAMA "But we met with dozens of writers and Kristin Gore is the most talented young comedy writer in the business today. This is a print interview, right? No one is going to see my face when I said that, right?"

Back in LA after a week flying around the country in Air Force Two with her father's campaign, Kristin settles behind her desk in the FUTURAMA offices to get back to work on the show. "Hey, listen to some of the story ideas I pitched to Matt over the phone while I was on the road with Daddy! Matt gets really excited when I call him up from Air Force Two!" Kristin says, waving a Dilbert notebook labeled FUTURAMA STUFF "Listen to this one! Bender the robot comes out of the closet as a homosexual robot and Fry, being a late twentieth century American straight white male, freaks out and goes on a shooting spree! And listen to this! Fry, being a late twentieth century American straight white male, wants to build his own car to cruise around in and, when he finds out that the internal combustion engine has been banned, freaks out and goes on a shooting spree! And this one - Fry finds an old Bible and becomes Born Again blah blah blah freaks out and goes on a shooting spree! Yess!" Kristin closes her notebook, sits back, and gazes out the window of her corner office.

"Matt says I should try to come up with more stories that don't end with Fry freaking out and going on a shooting spree. But Fry isn't even a college grad! What the hell else do losers like that ever do? Whatever! As soon as Daddy wins the election I'm going to get a job on FRIENDS anyway." Kristin's face lights up with inspiration. It is never more clear who her parents are than at times like this. "Hey, Joey on FRIENDS never went to college, did he? How about this - Fry becomes an actor and he starts hanging around in a futuristic coffee shop! Yesss! I rule!"

But even at times like this her father is never far from Kristin's mind. "He is such a funny guy. I definately get my sense of humor from all those nights sitting around the dinner table laughing at how stupid most people are and how easy it is to put something over on em. Like that 'Oh, I didn't know it was a fundraiser cause I was in the bathroom from all the ice tea I drank' bit! What a nut! He cracks me up!"


I vividly recall the very moment I realised I was spending way too much time thinking about rock and roll stuff. One afternoon in 1992 I was drinking in a bar with a woman who was looking at a magazine (Just to avoid making eye contact with me, no doubt).

"Hhhhmmm . . . " she said, looking at a picture of five long haired guys"You ever heard of a band called Def Leppard?"

"Oh yeah." I said "One of em lost an arm in a car accident."

"Really? Which one?"

"That one right there." I said, immediately pointing out the right guy WITHOUT HAVING TO LOOK AT ANYBODY'S ARMS.

Another source of great concern about that time was my disturbing ability to look at any group photo of Guns N' Roses and immediately identify which one was Izzy and which was Duff WITHOUT EVEN HALF A GLANCE AT THE CAPTION.

Worse than that, I was genuinely unhappy to learn that Izzy had quit the band. Even worse than that, I bought Izzy's solo record. And even worse than Izzy's solo record, I really liked Izzy's solo record. The day I bought Duff's solo record even I knew things had gone too far.

Let's just face it, rock and roll is for kids and by the time you get to be around thirty years old it's only natural for you to lose interest in the shit. I remember when we were little stoners going to see bands like Aerosmith and Queen back in the seventies there was always some terrifying old burnout staggering around muttering stuff like "Any of you little punks remember the Yardbirds? Eh? Eh?" and scaring the crap out of everybody. I don't want to be like that! Can you see my pathetic old ass at, I don't know, a Queens Of The Stone Age concert?

"Hey, do any of you little punks remember Ted Nugent?"

"Uh . . . He was in the Yardbirds, right?"
"The Yard . . . Okay, okay, I get the point, I get the point . . . I'll just go home now, give myself an enema, and curl up in bed with the new issue of Reader's Digest."

I don't need that music crap, I've found a new way to amuse myself - Pastrami Origami! Look at this! A slice folded into the shape of Henry Rollin's brain - Actual size!


John Saleeby wrote for The National Lampoon while he was in high school, was a stand up comic in New York, and has contributed to the net humor zines, Campaign Central, and the legendary American Jerk. He's on medication now so he's probably a little nicer now than he was when you met him earlier.
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