By Tarryn Stewart
Firstly I'd like to point
out that I am not a Christian, nor am I fat. Therefore, I am a minority
(at least in the Western world) and under the "2001 Minorities-can-say-anything-they-fucking-want-to-and-if-you-oppose-anything-I-
say-you-are-a-fascist Act*", I am entitled to my free speech without
loads of fat, Christians belly-aching about how offensive I am!
I was at my gym today with
my training buddy, we'll call her Carmen (her name), and Carmen was
telling me how she was tiring of the monotonous chore of exercising
with rowing machines and dumbbells. (Personally I don't find the gym
tiring at all, - but then I could happily enjoy myself alone in a padded
cell.) Carmen was pondering the idea of attending a 'Pilates' class,
I wasn't really paying any attention to what she was saying about it
because I couldn't be bothered and I had noticed that I had odd socks
on... Something that needed my whole undivided attention! It
was only later, when I found myself wondering where I had heard the
word 'Pilates' before that I remembered! Pilates is quite similar to
the name of the Roman prefect who arranged and oversaw the crucifixion
of Jesus. "Oh my god, they're advertising crucifixion as a method of
weight control? That's absolutely sick" I wailed in intrigued disgust.
If we consider the facts
for a moment, (something I'm seldom fond of) - in both the US and the
UK the amount of people on diets greatly outweighs the number of people
who regularly attend church - both in number and tonnage. Crucifixion
is a perfect way of combining both of these Western passions. Thou shall
suffer like thou master Jesus Christ and he shall rid you of your excess
From a clinical perspective,
I suppose it's a pretty authentic and quirky way to shed those pounds.
Being pegged up in the burning desert for days on end, with no food
(except for small dregs of vinegar to eliminate hunger) and having starving
vultures tearing strips off you - it makes sense really!
"Want to be able to lose
weight AND put your feet up?? We aim to nail your target weight and
get you a glowing tan in the process". But maybe Pilates isn't about
being crucified, it could be about the mere preparation - carrying huge,
10 St wooden crosses up steep hills, running relay races and participating
in circuit training with giant metal nails, a team game where only the
losers get crucified! All these activities are aerobic and would burn
up volumes of calories.
Is it possible that Jesus
was only trying to lose weight when he was crucified? He didn't mean
to die, he just wanted to get into his new toga for Christmas? I mean,
we always hear that he sacrificed himself for us but could it be possible
that just he wanted to look his best for the laydees? After all, he
was getting older and still a bachelor! Let's analyze his health at
the time - he's over thirty, metabolism is slowing down, endless supply
of fish and bread (high carbs), that whole turning water into wine stunt...
Perhaps as part of a habit of comfort-eating formed when he found out
that the man he believed to be his father wasn't, he'd tried the whole
fasting thing but didn't have the moral fiber to do it again. And let's
face it nobody is going to pay attention to anything Big J said if he
was looking chubby. Jesus was a businessman - his employer was God,
he needed to look his best for the job. If Jesus was a lard ass, nobody
would have listened to anything he said. Instead of detailing his tormented
fight for Christianity, the early scribes would have just written loads
of fat jokes.
Wherever I go there is startling
evidence that weight loss is the newest and most worshipped religion
of the modern day. Recently, I was reading a page about meditation on
the Internet. It was an extremely detailed, and by all accounts, an
expertly written piece... until it suggested a few things to say to
yourself whilst meditating. One being.. "I am eating less and becoming
more slender every day. Food is becoming less important to me every
day and I am filling my time with more important and meaningful pursuits
than eating. It is getting easier and easier to pass up desserts and
other fattening foods . . ."
I wish I was making this
up... Meditation has been a religious/ spiritual practice in the East
since ancient times and now it's being used to help people lose weight
- you have to admit It's all gone a bit strange!
But before you start filling
out that enrollment form for 'Club Crucifixion' or working your way
into a deep trance, please contemplate my personal weight loss advice:
"STOP FUCKING EATING."
* God bless Tony Blair