Days Of Our Deaths

By John Saleeby

May 1st, 2008

Bai Ling contemplates the microscopic odds of her sleeping with John Saleeby.

At first, I had no intention of renting the "Day Of The Dead" remake. I only went to see the "Dawn Of The Dead" remake because my nephews wanted to see it. But that was when they were about fourteen or fifteen and still thought I was a Cool Guy. Now they're bored jaded eighteen or nineteen year Hipsters who know a Broken Down Loser when they see one and they can take their goddam "Day Of The Dead" remake and shove it up their smug self satisfied asses. I showed one of those punks "It's Alive" and he laughed at it! Any day now they'll do a remake of that movie and when he tells me how great it is I'll be laughing at him while he tries to reattach his head to his neck.

But then I had to rent the "Day Of The Dead" remake as soon as it came out because Mena Suvari was in it and I was trying to use Mena Suvari as an antidote for my brain crippling obsession with Notorious Hollywood Bimbo Bai Ling. I have no idea how or why it happened to me but for the past year and a half I have been head over heels in Love with Bai Ling, the things I would do to her that I could be doing to some other woman if I wasn't so busy thinking about doing them to her. I am just crazy about that Bai Ling! I Love her, I really Love her. It's pretty fucked up. Something had to be done so when I saw internet pictures of Mena Suvari on the beach in Miami wearing a thong bikini I thought I'd found a way out - GET A LOADA THAT ASS!!! Right there and then I knew I was going to immerse myself in Nonstop All Day All Night Mena Suvari Ass Worship until Bai Ling was the furthest thing from my mind. Did it work? I'll tell you about it later - First I'm gonna put on "The Crow" so I can watch Bai Ling's nude shower scene over and over again until New Year's Eve. Hell no, it didn't work - You think I'm such a dork I'm gonna walk into the video place and rent a trunk full of "American Pie" movies, "The Loser", and that thing where she's a Cheerleader and it doesn't even have Eliza Dushku to make it worthwhile? And "American Beauty" - No way am I watching that again. I'll walk through the pouring rain to give my weightlifting next door neighbor a big sloppy kiss before I watch that again. So, of course I had to rent the "Day Of The Dead" remake! Hey, Nick Cannon is in it! My Dad saw Nick Cannon in "Drumline" on USA and now it's all he ever talks about. What with me talking about Bai Ling in "Edmond" and him talking about Nick Cannon in "Drumline" Thanksgiving Dinner was even more of an ordeal than usual. So I had to rent "Day Of The Dead" - For my Dad!

For years "Day Of The Dead" was (This is a joke for all you "Godfather" squares) the Fredo of George Romero's "Dead" movies - "Night" and "Dawn" put up with him out of sibling loyalty but when he's not around they wonder if Mom made it with some crummy Wes Craven movie while Dad was out of town. So I didn't expect very much when I sat down to watch the remake. And after all the weeping and gnashing of teeth over how bad it was all over the internet I opened the box expecting the disc to jump out and take a great big greasy dump on the rug (Put down newspapers all over the house - Found out about some guy named Obama who has conquered the World by pointing his chin at everybody). But when was the last time those pinheads had anything to good to say about ANY new Horror Movie? Now, come on - "Land Of The Dead", "House Of A Thousand Corpses", "Slither", "Cloverfield", "The Mist" - They hated all that stuff. Okay, that "Halloween" remake was pretty bad, but I can't think of any particular reason to hate Rob Zombie. Aside from his music, of course. So, now that I've actually seen the new "Day Of The Dead" I'm not paying attention to anything those idiots say about anything at all. Cause this movie is great. Not really, I just said that to make those fools fly up in the air and knock their heads on the ceiling - It's just pretty good. But pretty good with Zombies and Mena Suvari is about as close to great as you're going to get without George Romero doing the Writing and Directing. It's better than the "Dawn Of The Dead" remake and everybody loves that piece of shit. So why all the negativity? Good God, you know things have gotten out of hand when John Saleeby at Acid Logic is telling everybody to lighten up!

Seems to me that Net Culture has reached the same point Rock And Roll was at in the early Seventies when Critics (I'm not gonna mention any names. You know who I have in mind. It's just not worth it) who had been happily writing about undeniably Great Stuff like Dylan, Hendrix, The Stones, etc. were gradually confronted with New Stuff like Black Sabbath, Grand Funk Railroad, Deep Purple, etc. and got all High And Mighty about everything all of a sudden. A few years later and these guys were such a bunch of Stuffed Fuddy Duddies they couldn't even get into Aerosmith! Man, FUCK those guys! Thank God Punk Rock came along to give them something to be happy about in their Golden Years. Although they might have been better off with "Drumline".

And now here we are thirty years later getting all picky over Horror Movies. If I wanted to take orders off of a bunch of Cold Blooded Queers I'd get into Jazz or those horrible movies they show at The Sundance Film Festival. It's bad enough they turned Rock And Roll into something where people like Peter Buck and David Byrne can become Big Shots, now it's going to happen to Direct To Video movies about Dead People munching on people's arms? No, I say! No! A thousand times No! (A thousand times No? That would probably be more interesting to read than this article - Acid Logic Editor Wil Forbis)

Cause things are different today from when those jerks at Rolling Stone were shoving their tripe down our throats - In the Seventies America was a Nation of Decent, Educated, Hard Working Men And Women Looking Forward To A Better Future For One And For All. Now that Future is here and the American People are A Bunch Of Overweight Tattooed Illiterates Who Would As Soon Kill You As Look At You. See what happens when you put down KISS? They're more than used to getting dumped on for their wretched taste in Music, you make an issue of Direct To DVD movies with people's guts getting ripped out of their bellies and devoured while they shriek in pain and horror and you'd best prepare to spend your Final Moments watching people pick pieces of your chewed up inner organs from in between their teeth. Seriously - You ever think you'd see people with tattoos on the sides of their necks? PEOPLE WITH TATTOOS ON THE SIDES OF THEIR NECKS!!

Am I talking about a Lowering Of Standards? No, more like a Lowering Of Expectations. It wasn't Bad Company and Jethro Tull's fault they weren't as Great as The Beach Boys and The Kinks, what kind of nut thinks people like Brian Wilson and Ray Davies are going to come along every couple of years? If the Human Race knocked out Genius at that rate we'd be living on Jupiter turning chickens into eighteen year old Bridget Bardots. Great Art is the product of Great Civilization and right now we're about as advanced as Dark Ages Europe with electricity. So let up on the Horror Movie Directors of Today if they aren't George Romero or Dario Argento - If they weren't busy making movies they'd probably break into your house, beat you up, and steal your TV set to buy meth.

No, I'm not talking about lowering any standards at all. Cause forget Mena Suvari - I want Bai Ling and I won't rest until Bai Ling is Mine! I Love you Bai, and one day you will be My Queen. I Love You.

Somebody kill me. I don't care how much it hurts, just kill me. Kill me now.

 

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John Saleeby wrote for The National Lampoon while he was in high school, was a stand up comic in New York, and has contributed to the net humor zines Schmuck.com, Campaign Central, and the legendary American Jerk. He's on medication now so he's probably a little nicer now than he was when you met him earlier. Email - jacksaleeby1@hotmail.com