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Have we no shame? It's still more of two Saleeby articles in one!

By John Saleeby
By John Saleeby

Everytime some celebrity dies the media's gotta make a great big freakin' deal over it, but really - Who gives a shit about those people? I sure don't! The only dead celebrities I can be bothered to feel bad about are the really hot young women I've been wanting to have sex with all this time. Like that Chinese girl on "Ally McBeal", if she ever had a lion rip her head off I'd be inconsolable. And so, in the spirit of Mad magazine (Which died either right around the time Don Martin moved to Cracked or those bastards sent back the material I sent em), I have rewritten Jim Carroll's 1980 punk classic "People Who Died" in tribute to some unforgettable cute girls who have died.

Claudia Jannings was in a million sleazy movies
And in Playboy magazine showin' off her boobies
Went out for a drive in her sporty little ride
She got into an accident and she died!

She's a cute girl who died - Died!
She's a cute girl who died - Died!
She was a real cute girl and she died!

Dorothy Stratten was the cutest Playmate ever
When she got married she swore it meant forever
When she dumped her husband for Peter Bogdanovich
He got a gun and swore "I'm gonna kill that bitch!"
He blew off her head and took his own life
But Dorothy didn't care cause she'd died!

They were cute girls who died - Died!
They were cute girls who died - Died!
They were both cute girls and they died!

Savannah was a porno star who put herself away
Just like Margeux's sister Muriel Hemingway
Jennifer Love Hewitt choked on a bone in a fish
Not really, but geez, don't you wish
Diane Spencer was a pretty British chick
Got married to the Prince and was bulemic
Diane, I miss you more than all the rest
This song is for you, Princess!

Those were cute girls who died - Died!
Those were cute girls who died - Died!
Those were all cute girls and they died!

SALEEBY: So, Steve, about the title of your new book, "Shopgirl-A Novella"-
SALEEBY: Have you gone totally gay on us or what?
MARTIN: This afternoon Martin Short is coming over with a great big tray of cucumber sandwiches! We'll go out to the floral garden where we will drink tea and practice walking around like Charlie Chaplin.
SALEEBY: Tell the readers the name of the main character of the book so they will understand why I am about to club you over the head with a lead pipe.
MARTIN: The name of the main character of my book is Mirabelle Buttersfield.
Saleeby clubs Martin over the head with a lead pipe.
MARTIN: I'm a little teapot short and stout, here is my handle here is my spout, when I get all steamed up here me shout, just tip me over and pour me out!
SALEEBY: What's the name of your next movie?
MARTIN: It's called "I Just Want To Make Great Big Bambi Eyes At The Camera". long pause.
SALEEBY: Jesus, you used to be so funny. Do you know when you started to suck? When you stopped playing banjo and started tap dancing.
MARTIN: I'd have taken up ballet if only I had the buttocks of Nureyev, Barishnikov, or my gardener Nunzio.
SALEEBY: Is it true that you're the one who recommended Jay Leno for an appearance on The Tonight Show?
MARTIN: Yes, it is.
Saleeby slices Martin's face off and feeds it to Jackie Mason on rye bread with mustard.  

John Saleeby wrote for The National Lampoon while he was in high school, was a stand up comic in New York, and has contributed to the net humor zines, Campaign Central, and the legendary American Jerk. He's on medication now so he's probably a little nicer now than he was when you met him earlier.
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