Someone Made A Movie Just For ME!!!
By John Saleeby
A couple of issues ago, Acid Logic Editor Wil Forbis wrote an article about the negative critical reception to the wonderful motion picture version of "Charlie's Angels", particularly the effeminate snit ol' Roger Ebert threw over it. (Rog doesn't seem to think tits and ass sexploitation films are a legitimate art form and called Charlie's Angels a "jiggle show.") Wil! Have you been watching PBS again? (Editor's reply: "I sure have, John. They had a great special on the lives of ants!") Who cares about the critics? Writing movie reviews - What a dipshit way to make a buck. Now, writing humor bits for web zines - That is the manly way to make a . . . Wait a minute! I have yet to make a buck writing humor bits for these cockamamie web zines! Hhhmmm, lemmee give that film critickin' a shot -
It was good. Go see it.
That was how we all used to talk about movies back in the old days before Siskel And Ebert became Big TV Stars. "Hey, I saw 'Planet Of The Apes'." "Yeah? Was it good?" "Oh, yeah. Go see it." "Yeah?" End of discussion. But nowadays? My goodness!
"Hey, I saw 'Castaway'." "Yeah? Was it good?" "Well . . . 'Castaway' is the latest collaboration between Academy Award winning Actor Tom Hanks and Bob Zemekis who won The Oscar himself for directing Hanks in 'Forrest Gump' and has…"
This is not the America I knew as a boy! But then, I grew up in New Orleans so maybe I missed out on something. Like this thing about it being wrong to dig tits and ass, is that a New England thing? How did such a tight assed place ever produce Aerosmith?
Why are we supposed to feel bad about looking at beautiful, sexy, young women? Don't we feel bad enough about hardly ever getting to sleep with em? Why would any guy stand in line to pay eight bucks to see a movie full of actresses who look just like the broads he was just standing in line with?
To Hell with Roger Ebert, says I! He's such a snatchface he uses Summer's Eve as mouthwash. I bet he doesn't even like Black Sabbath. What does he know about girls? He only likes dippy looking chicks like Winona Rhyder and Penelope Cruz. "All The Pretty Horses"? Compared to Penelope I bet the horses look totally hot! Pack her up and send her back to Barcelona! Leave some room in the crate for Antonio Banderas.
Now, getting back to "Charlie's Angels" - It was good. Go see it. What? You want more? But I said it twice! Aaaahhh, don't tell me this country don't need a Culture War!
Okay . . . Okay . . .
"Charlie's Angels" is a prime example of The Saleeby Formula For Satisfying Entertainment - Cute Girls And Funny Guys (And don't give me that "Whatchoo mean, 'Cute Girls And Funny Guys? What about Funny Girls!? Whatchoo, sexist?" number. Cute Girls ARE funny. Funny Girls are loud, plain, and coming soon to a Funny Bone near you.) That's all you need to put on a good show - Don't worry about a plot, music, scenery, all that Irving Thalberg nonsense - Just get some Cute Girls And Funny Guys and it'll be great. My belief in this theory is so deep it actually inspired the only poem I have ever written in my life. It's called "Why I Watch 'Ally McBeal'" and it goes like this -
The girls are cute
And the guys are funny
It's on TV
So it don't cost money.
"Charlie's Angels", of course, is a motion picture so it does cost money, but it's money well spent cause the Girls are Really Cute and the Guys are Really Funny (I don't watch 'Ally McBeal' anymore cause in the Cute Girls Dept. they were dumb enough to let Courtney Thorne Smith go and in the Funny Guys Dept. they gave that scumbag Robert Downey Jr. a seventy five thousand dollar an episode job and it got poor Calista Flockhart so stressed out she wound up in the hospital. Goddammit! Am I the only man in America who knows what that poor woman needs?).
First, The Cute Girls:
Drew Barrymore - I Love Her. There! I said it! Bold And Unashamed! I hope you are all as grateful as I am to be alive during The Age Of Drew. What will you say in the future when your grandchildren come to you and ask "Grandpa? What was it like when 'Charlie's Angels' came out and you went to the theater to see Drew?" How will you be able to look them in the eye and tell them "I'm sorry, Grandchildren, but Roger Ebert said 'Charlie's Angels' was not a good movie and I went to see 'Wonder Boys' instead. Come back, Grandchildren! Come back!" Alone You Shall Live And Alone You Shall Die.
As producer of "Charlie's Angels" Drew is a givin' kinda chick and she had the genorosity to offer America's most promising actress the ultimate showcase in which to shine. But Traylor Howard was too busy playing The Girl on "Two Guys And A Girl" and Drew had to go with Cameron Diaz instead. (That started out as a joke but now I'm not so sure). The thing about Cameron Diaz that I came away from this movie with is that she has a pretty back. No, I don't mean her butt, which is a very good butt by any standard, I mean her back. I like women's backs. Am I creeping anyone out with this? Is there a name for this particular fetish? Any web sites I should know about? I'm sorry.
Lucy Liu is the Third Angel but - I'm sorry, Lucy - to me she'll always be The Chinese Girl On "Ally McBeal". And that's a great thing to be! (So is The Sexy Blonde Receptionist On "Ally McBeal", The Beautiful Blonde Lawyer Whose Husband Was Ally's Old Boyfriend On "Ally McBeal", and The Pretty, Funny, Skinny Girl on "Ally McBeal". Oh, I'm sorry, The Pretty, Funny, Skinny Girl IS Ally McBeal!) But Three's A Crowd and Lucy is definately the Chico, the Larry Fine, the Alex Lifeson of this particular trio. Although if we've gotta have a third wheel it might as well be one so hot and funny she somehow turns a line as neutral as "Who else has an idea like this man's Coke machine?" into the funniest joke in the movie. Pure Comic Alchemy! She could probably get laughs with the jokes from my old stand up act.
AND KELLY LYNCH IS IN THIS MOVIE!!! Hot damn! Kelly Lynch walked into "Charlie's Angels" and I jumped up and yelled "Wait a minute! I knew Drew Barrynore was in this movie, I knew Cameron Diaz was in this movie, and I knew The Chinese Girl From "Ally McBeal" was in this movie, but nobody told me Kelly Lynch was in this movie!! Drag me outta the theatuh an' down to de graveyard cuz I done died an' gone to Hebben!!" Just in case I am being to subtle about this - I like Kelly Lynch. She's no spring chicken but neither am I, she can chill out in the henhouse while I'm up crowin' at the sky. Hey, that's another poem! See how serious I am about this Cute Girls And Funny Guys stuff?
Now, The Funny Guys . . . eh, who gives a shit? They already got to hang out with these babes all day for a few weeks, what else do they want? Bill Murray, America's greatest comedian since John Belushi died and Steve Martin turned out to be even more of a pussy than Woody Allen, is in "Charlie's Angels" and if that don't take care of The Funny Guy Dept. right there they've got Tom Green and Matt LeBlanc to answer the phones and run out for sandwiches. Green and LeBlanc are both great, but when I heard that Bill Murray was in this movie I knew I'd go see it even if Rosie O'Donnell, Whoopie Goldberg, and that horrible woman who plays Dharma on "Dharma And Greg" were playing The Angels.
So, that's "Charlie's Angels" ,everybody, and if you haven't seen it by now you are a square and everybody is making jokes about you behind your back. Unless you are a woman, then John Saleeby is staring at your back thinking weird "Back Freak" thoughts. I hear they're working on a sequel and we all know what that means. "What? What does it mean?" the guys who paid to see "Lethal Weapon 2" say. "Huh? What did he say? He used too many big words!" The guys who paid to see "Lethal Weapon 3" say "Me hungry! Want eat ashtray! Ouch!" the guys who paid to see "Lethal Weapon 4" say…
John Saleeby wrote for The National Lampoon while he was in high school, was a stand up comic in New York, and has contributed to the net humor zines Schmuck.com, Campaign Central, and the legendary American Jerk. He's on medication now so he's probably a little nicer now than he was when you met him earlier.
Email - email@example.com
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