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Double-Barrel Diplomacy
By Tom Waters
December 1 , 2008

How rock solid is your culture when the radio stations are required by law to play 75% of their songs from Canada? There are only so many Neil Young and Rush songs you can put on the rotation to fill a broadcast day and the rest of it sucks.

The Canadians are a festering cold sore on the face of Western civilization. Not since the Romans or the Vikings has a populace pillaged, pilfered and looted a neighboring nation so rudely and indiscriminately and Buffalo has taken the brunt of it with our hands around our ankles. For the first time in a few decades, their flamboyantly cartoonish tender is stronger than the American dollar, and theyíre more than happy to rub it in our faces. Are you going to take it lying down? Iím done pretending that weíre happy to have you over here and turning the other cheek while you run rampant with no regard for the rules in America. Either straighten up and fly right or Iím revoking your weekend visitor passes.

Iím sick of being a good neighbor. Youíre guests in our country, so be on your best behavior or weíll string you up near the border with the shit you leave behind stapled to your genitals. Anyone with a lick of wit is privy to their shopping scams. Buy some clothes, change into them and drop the old clothes in one of our parking lots on the way out of the shopping center. Buy new shoes, change the shoes and leave your Canadian stench wafting through our city. Purchase ten things, throw the receipts away for five of them and claim half your duty on the way back over the border. We have receptacles for garbage over here that we refer to as ígarbage cansí. Polite citizens dispose of their trash in said receptacles. Coming over here and throwing your junk all over the place is like having a house guest over who shakes your hand on the way out after crapping in the water tank of your upstairs bathroom. Show some manners and show some respect, goddamnit.

Iím tired of pretending that weíre cool with having the lot of you flock over here en masse on the weekends to criticize our culture and pass judgment over our economy. Keep pissing your discretionary money away over here and our dollar will be stronger than a fourteen year oldís boner. Do the math. Another year of this and your economy will be back in the gutter. I used to visit Canadia years ago and tried to treat itís denizens with the courtesy and respect that a visiting dignitary would bestow. As a citizen of the United States, I was ever-conscious of the image I was projecting for the rest of my people. I didnít walk up to a random hoser and say íHey, whatís up with your wacko socialist healthcare system?í or íI had to clean out the entire half of my Monopoly cash till so Iíd have some walking around money while I was hereí or íDo you honestly thing the Queen of England remotely gives a shit about you guys over here?í I kept my mouth shut like a good guest and minded my manners. I never complained about the antiquated corkscrew Hot Wheels tracks you call expressways. Maybe thatís why the lot of you have no idea how to drive over here.

When youíre in our country, obey our traffic laws. Most of us donít turn on our right blinker and cut through four lanes of rush hour traffic assuming that our car isnít going to get flattened. Keep driving like that and weíll be scraping your pale Canadian ass off the sidewalk. And I know the metric system can scramble your brain, but just try to keep up with the rest of the traffic over here. The left lane is reserved for the fast drivers, not the mentally challenged who are trying to figure out where theyĎre going, so stay the hell out of it if you donít know what youíre doing. We may not always drive sensibly or even courteously over here, but at least we donít drive like Evil Knievel.

And Iím not even a sports fan, but take it easy on the beer when you attend our events. I read the paper during football season and 75% of the people who were arrested were from the Great White North. Behave yourselves! Jesus! Is it that hard to do? When I reviewed strip clubs for five years up there I never got so tanked that somebody hauled me off. I took it easy because I knew I had a hell of a long ride home through that curly-cue novelty straw of a transit system you have up there. Buffalo takes itís football and hockey very seriously, believe me. Baseball, not so much. Getting rowdy at our sporting events is a death wish. Iíve seen people skinned and filleted for wearing an away teams baseball cap, so you donít want to mess around where sports are concerned.

There are a lot of things that Canadia is good for. Molson, Labatt, comedians and strip clubs. Thatís about it. There are a lot of great comedians that have come out of Canadia and the majority of them are smart enough to stay over here. How many good Americans defect to Canadia? John Irving. By my recent census, you got one, and his writing was going downhill anyway, so you can have him. John Irving is a sucker trade for Dan Ackroyd, Pam Anderson, Jim Carrey, Harold Ramis, Martin Short, John Candy, Eugene Levy, the entire cast of The Kids In The Hall and the rest of them. And while Iím at it, you can have Michael Moore. We donít want him. Heís a whiny liberal bitch with the spine of an amoeba. And he eats too much, so you can feed him.

How rock solid is your culture when the radio stations are required by law to play 75% of their songs from Canada? There are only so many Neil Young and Rush songs you can put on the rotation to fill a broadcast day and the rest of it sucks. Howís Honeymoon Suite doing? I thought so. With your vast geography and natural resources, we should withdraw from Iraq and take over Canadia once and for all. Turn the developed regions into one gigantic Disneyworld of topless dancing and strip mine the rest for wood and oil. The only reason we havenít gotten around to it yet is because you havenít posed a threat, but watch it. Youíre pissing all over our welcome mat and itís getting old quick. Foreign guests can turn into prisoners of war in no time. Whoís going to save you, the Mounties? Riding in on their horses at 3 kilometers an hour? Thatís right. Next time you come over here to avoid the outlandishly high gross sales tax that your government imposes on you, remember this: The image you project while youíre here is the impression we form for the rest of your country. And thatís what itís all aboot. As Dave Thomas said in ĎStrange Brewí, Ďlick my left oneí.

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