Bro support: The Advice Column That Puts Bros before Hos
By Wil Forbis
08/01/2012
We know how it goes: you're a hard-working dude out there working hard and making the scene. But you've got your problems like everybody else. While chicks can turn to an infinite amount of weepy, sisterly self-help columns in magazines like Marie Claire and Women's Health, guys are out there all alone. That's why we started "Bro Support," the advice column that's got your back and understands your point of view.
Dear Bro Support,
So here's the deal. I'm 33 and live in a sweet little pad I've got going on in my mom's basement. The problem is that she's always getting on my case to get a job and start paying rent. I think she's missing the big picture because once my blog on collecting action figures takes off I'm gonna be making way more money than I could with my computer science degree. If she would just take it down a couple notches maybe I'd let her in on the action once the cash starts flowing. How should I handle this?
Frustrated in Phoenix
Whoa, Frustrated... could your mom be any more of a douche? It's pretty obvious that you've got a entrepreneurial Death Star just waiting to bring in some sweet dough and get she's bitching about a few minor bills. I tip my hat to your patience putting up with her B.S.
Still, it doesn't look like she's going to be going away anytime soon (unless you're in charge of making her meals, hint, hint) so you might need to find some kind of middle ground. Maybe you could do some weekend web development while the old blogorooney builds up steam?
Yours in broness,
Dear Bro Support,
So check this out. I'm 28, have a law degree and a nice apartment in downtown Manhattan. I've been seeing a girl for a while and just recently asked her to marry me. She said yes at first but just last week backed out of it. Why? Get this: she's upset because she found out that I've got several honeys that I've been banging casually on the side. Frankly, I don't get why my girlfriend even cares --- it's just sex --- and I really don't buy her claims that she had no way of knowing. So how do I win back the love of my life?
Horn Dog of Houston Street
Horn Dog,
Awesome! It sounds like you're doing really well for yourself and I tip my hat to you my bro. If anything, your woman should be happy to have hooked up with a guy who knows what he's doing around the lady parts. But if chicks made sense, I wouldn't be writing this column.
I'd see if you can reach a compromise with your lady. Maybe you only bang your sweet honeys on special occasions --- like Christmas and your birthday --- and only do it when your gf is out of town. If she can't meet you halfway then it might be time to trade her in for a new model.
High five dawg! You a pimp.
Dear Bro Support,
First, I want to thank you for writing such an awesome column. Sometimes life really gets me down, and just knowing you're out there is the little extra something I need to keep me going.
Here's the deal. I've got a nice ground floor apartment in Boston that's almost perfect except for my neighbor whose this like 9000-year-old female mummy with PMS. She's always screaming at me and my dog, Weasel, whenever we leave and she's formally accused us of numerous building violations such as...
1) Weasel ate her cat. (True.)
2) I came home drunk late one night and accidentally vomited on her welcome mat. (Technically true.)
3) Weasel tried to rape her. (Absolutely not true. Weasel is asexual.)
What am I supposed to do with this bitch?
A boy and his dog,
ABAHD,
Whoa, dude, Weasel sounds AWESOME! I used to have a French bulldog/Chihuahua mix named Kierkegaard and he was my best friend in the world. I hope you and Weasel have a long and happy life together.
Frankly, from what I can tell, you haven't done a single thing wrong. If I were you, I'd tear out this column and hand it to Grandma Moses to let her know that whatever rules they used in the Paleozoic era no longer apply.
Peace!
Dear Bro Support,
I'm writing to you, because, more so than any other advice columnist out there, you understand this basic truism of life: chicks are wacked! For instance, get this: my girlfriend is trying to turn me into a vegetarian. She's constantly whining about how vegetarianism is better for the environment, healthier for the human body and kinder to animals. I'm like, "Are you crazy? Animals like to be eaten. They recognize it as part of the natural cycle of things. Hamburgers are like a beautiful waterfall at the end of a rainbow... the epitome of nature."
How do I get this chick to chow down on some red meat?
Salivating in Seattle,
Dear Salivating,
You might want to point out to the little princess that she's not a real vegetarian. After all she's getting plenty of sausage in her diet. The sausage in your pants!
By that I mean your penis.
That said, an occasional salad wouldn't hurt you. Plus, it makes your sausage juice taste better!
Later Bros!
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Wil Forbis is a well known international playboy who lives a fast paced life attending chic parties, performing feats of derring-do and making love to the world's most beautiful women. Together with his partner, Scrotum-Boy, he is making the world safe for democracy. Email - acidlogic@hotmail.comVisit Wil's web log, The Wil Forbis Blog, and receive complete enlightenment.