The Acid Logic One Hundred Best Movies Of All Time List (100% Spielberg-Scorsese Free)
By John Saleeby
If your Friendly Neighborhood Cineaste has been even more of a douchebag than usual lately it's not over Ingmar Bergman's dead ass, it's the American Film Institute's recent One Hundred Best Movies Of All Time List that's got us carrying on like Liv Ullman in . . . uh, whatever piece of shit Ingmar Bergman movie that pill was carrying on in. God, did you see that list? "The Shawshank Redemption", "Back To the Future", and "Schindler's List" but no "Suicide Kings"? "Forrest Gump" and "Toy Story" but no "Boondock Saints"? What do those snobs have against Sean Patrick Flanery? I bet they don't even know who Sean Patrick Flanery is! That's what playing Young Indiana Jones gets you! That list was so corny it had "Citizen Kane" at Number One. I bet if they made up a One Hundred Best Albums List "Sgt. Pepper" would be Number One. This list couldn't have been any cornier if "Children Of The Corn" had been on it. That's right, "Children Of The Corn" didn't make it! Damn! So forget the AFI List cause now you've got the Acid Logic One Hundred Best Movies Of All Time List to talk about in a loud drunken voice at parties until some asshole David Lynch fan gives you a chance to punch somebody in the mouth. George Romero Fans Of The World Unite! You Have Taken Enough Crap!
1) "Night Of The Living Dead" - George Romero
2) This clip I saw on the net of a black girl fucking an asian girl with a strap on
3) "Dawn Of The Dead" - George Romero - When There's No More Room In Hell The Dead Will Remake Good Movies
4) "The Searchers" - John Ford - Whether you want to or not you are obliged to have a bunch of John Ford movies on any Best List you make. I think it's a Federal Law enacted during the Reagan Administration.
5) " Battle Royale" - Yeah, it's a Japanese movie but I'm practically the only guy in America who's seen it so blow me!
6) "The Bell Boy" - Jerry Lewis
7) "The Wild Angels" - Roger Corman
8) The One Where Mark Wahlberg Finger Fucked Reese Witherspoon On A Roller Coaster
9) "The Mack" - Roger Campus
10) "Repo Man" - Alex Cox
11) "The Errand Boy" - Jerry Lewis
12) "Whoa! What Was In That Pipe You Passed Me?" - Oliver Stone
13) "Phantasm" - Don Cascarelli
14) " Long Island Cannibal Massacre" - Nathan Schiff
15) "X-The Man With The X Ray Eyes" - Roger Corman
16) "Nude On The Moon" - Doris Wishman
17) "Ed Wood" - Tim Burton
18) "The Quiet Man" - John Ford I hate that movie!
19) "What Do You Mean I Should Let Someone Else Write The Music?" - John Carpenter
20) "Bill And Ted's Underrated Adventure - Stephen Herek
21) "The Lawnmower Man" - Brett Leonard
22) "Day Of The Dead" - George Romero
23) "EEGAH" - Starring Arch Hall Jr.. James Dean wishes he was
Arch Hall, Jr.
24) "Sleeper" - Woody Allen
25) "The Dirty Dozen" - Robert Aldrich
26) " Texas Chainsaw Massacre" - Tobe Hooper
27) "Reanimator" - Stuart Gordon
28) The One Where Laurel And Hardy Are Gonna Get Drunk And Laurel's Wife Empties Their Bottle Of Booze And Fills It With Tea So They Drink It And Just Think That They're Drunk
29) "Machine Gun Kelly" - Roger Corman
30) "The Driller Killer" - Abel
31) "Robocop" - Paul Verhoeven
32) "The Patsey" - Jerry Lewis
33) "Urkel Be Tappin' That Ass!" - Jamal White
34) "The Road Warrior" - George Miller
35) "Dawn Of The Dead" - Zack Snyder - When There's No More Room In Hell Zack Snyder Will Offer Discount Weekend Trips To The Earth
36) "Red Dawn" - John Milius 37) "Up In Smoke" - Tommy Chong
38) "The St. Valentine's Day Massacre" - Roger Corman
39) "Jason And The Argonauts" - Izzy Stradlin
40) "Do It In These Costumes And It's 'The Alamo', Do It In Those Costumes And It's 'The Green Beret'" - John Wayne
41) "Kill Bill" - Uma Thurman
42) "The Nutty Proffessor" - Jerry Lewis
43) "Starship Troopers" - Paul Verhoeven
44) "Doctor Strangelove" - Stanley Kubrick
45) " Red River" - Another John Ford movie? Oh, a Howard Hawks movie? What's the fuckin' difference?
46) "House" - Steve Miner
47) "The Breed" - Michael Oblowitz - A lousy movie but Bai Ling drops her dress and goes up the stairs wearing only high heels so you can get a load of that ass.
48) "Dagon" - Stuart Gordon
49) "The Pit And The Pendelum" - Roger Corman
50) "I'm Better Than Other Black People" - Bill Cosby
51) "Coffy" - Jack Hill
52) "Nice Dreams" - Tommy Chong
53) "The Breakfast Club" - John Hughes
54) "House Of A Whole Bunch Of Corpses" - Rob Zombie
55) "Ted Bundy" - Matthew Bright
56) "Young Frankenstein" - Mel Brooks
57) That Thomas C. Howell Thing Where Rick Shapiro Was His Buddy And When Shapiro Died They Hid The Money Up His Dead Ass
58) "The Crow" - Some Idiot Another lousy movie but Bai Ling has a nude shower scene so you can get a load of that ass!
59) "Three Hundred" - Zack Snyder Much better than George Romero's original. Running Persians are much better than slow walking Persians. And no pie fight! 60) "Crazy From The Heat" - David Lee Roth
61) "Masque Of The Red Death" - Roger Corman
62) "From Beyond" - Stuart Gordon
63) "The Geisha Boy" - Frank Tashlin
64) "I Just Want To Make Great Big Bambi Eyes At The Camera" - Steve Martin
65) "The Wild Bunch" - Sam Peckinpah
66) "Bad Girls Go To Hell" - Doris Wishman 67) "The Family Jewels" - Jerry Lewis
68) "Carrie" - Brian DePalma
Edmond" - Stuart Gordon - Great movie, but who ca give you res? It's got Bai Ling as a Times Square Peep Show Girl so you can get a load of that ass!!! OH GOD, I LOVE BAI LING!!!!
70) "The Paul Lynde Story" - Wil Forbis
71) "And Now, For My Fifty Seventh Movie Of The Year . . . " - Wil Ferrell
72) "The Blob" I don't care which one, I'm wore out from all the "Dawn Of The Dead" bickering.
73) "Bubba Ho Tep" - Don Coscarelli
74) "Marie Antionette" - Sophia Coppola
75) "Hey, Whatever Happened To Me?" - Matty Rich
76) "The Seventh Voyage Of Sinbad" - Izzy Stradlin
77) "Love And Death" - Woody Allen
78) "No Code Of Conduct" - Brett Michaels - Yeah, the guy from Poison directed a movie! And it kicks ass! Hey, Eddie Vedder! When did you ever direct a kick ass action movie with Charlie Sheen AND Martin Sheen? Huh? You don't even direct your own videos! Faggot!
79) "American Werewolf In Vietnam . . . Look Out For That Chopper With The Silver Rotor Blade!!!" - Jon Landis
80) "If I Had Married John Saleeby I'd Be Alive Today" - Adrienne Shelly
81) "It'll Make Sense In An Hour! Now Shut Up!" - M. Night Shalaman
82) "A Bucket Of Blood" - Roger Corman
83) "Castle Freak" - Stuart Gordon
84) "The Ladies' Man" - Jerry Lewis
85) "Bad Lieutenant" - Abel
86) "Pootie Tang" - Louis CK
87) " Kentucky Fried Vic Morrow" - Jon Landis
88) "Car Wash" - Michael Schultz
89) "In The Mouth Of Madness" - John Carpenter
90) "Scanners" - David Cronenberg
91) "The Crazies" - George Romero
92) "Look At My Wife's Ass! That Ass Is MINE!! ALL MINE!!" - Rob Zombie
93) "Lil' Bitch Hosts The Oscars" - Chris Rock
94) That Alfred Hitchcock Movie Where Jimmy Stewart Gets Chased By An Airplane. What? That Was
Cary Grant Getting Chased By An Airplane? Cary Grant Was A Homo Who Got More Women Than I'll Ever Be In The Same City With - I Hate Him! Let's Go With "Psycho".
95) "The Big Mouth" - Jerry Lewis
96) "They Don't Cut The Grass Anymore" - Nathan Schiff
97) "Revenge Of The Nerds" - Jeff Kanew
98) "Run Ronnie Run" - Just kidding! That "Mister Show" stuff is shit. #98 is really "Supertroopers".
99) "The Big Lebowski - Joel Coen
100) "Citizen Kane" - Orson Welles - Well, it really is pretty good.
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wrote for The National Lampoon while he was in high school, was a stand
up comic in New York, and has contributed to the net humor zines Schmuck.com,
Campaign Central, and the legendary American Jerk. He's on medication
now so he's probably a little nicer now than he was when you met him
earlier. Email - firstname.lastname@example.org