“Aw, Dave, Give Me A Break”
By John Saleeby
September 1st, 2018
I was looking at pictures of Japanese Girls on the Internet and I found the Script David Lee Wrote for a Comedy Movie he was going to make about Thirty Years Ago. It was like that Time a few Years Ago when I was looking at pictures of Japanese Girls on the Internet and I found that crazy Acid Logic Net Zine!
I don’t have to explain who David Lee Roth is, do I? Yeah, it’s 2018 and people don’t remember . . . Oh, the Nurse is pushing the Medication Cart down the Hall and I have to get my Wheel Chair out of the way . . . A lot of people don’t know about David Lee Roth and Van Halen because they’re too young or they’re too stupid . . . “THESE DAYS ‘TOO YOUNG’ AND ‘TOO STUPID’ ARE THE SAME THING!!!” Hey, Nurse, my Roommate isn’t Dead after all! What’s your Name, Buddy?” “PETER FRAMPTON!!!” See? He’s doing just fine! Yeah, for a little while there Van Halen was so popular David Lee Roth got a Big Hollywood Movie Deal to Write, Direct, and Star in his own Comedy Movie “Crazy From The Heat”. He already had a Hit Solo Record called “Crazy From The Heat” and after the Movie Deal fell through he used the “Crazy From The Heat” Title for his Autobiography. Yeah, the “Crazy From The Heat” Movie never happened. Maybe you can find out exactly why in the “Crazy From The Heat” Autobiography. I don’t know, I’m too depressed from the Movie never happening to read the Auto . . . I’m tired of typing that word! But now I’ve finally read the Script to the Movie and it is so funny I am gonna read the Book! Probably won’t listen to the Record but I just drank eleven cans of Dave’s “Crazy From The Heat” Energy Drink and (John Wrote about Forty Six Pages about not listening to the Record. If he had listened to the Record we would have had to cut about Ninety Two Pages about listening to the Record) I decided to Write an Acid Logic article about reading the “Crazy From The Heat” Script. But I don’t want to give any of Dave’s Jokes away. I can’t give any of my Jokes away . . . CRAP!
First - Where do you find this thing? Go to Google, type in “Crazy From The Heat - Movie Script” and it will take you to all kinds of Links to the Script. Or go to Google, type in “I’m drunk and just fucking around” and it will take you to the exact same Links. Those Google people have turned out to be such Left Wing Dipshits that if you type in “Mid Terms Candidates” you will find yourself reading the “Crazy From The Heat” Script and wind up Voting for David Lee Roth. If Al Franken can be a disgraced Ex Senator so can Dave!
Would a “Crazy From The Heat” Movie have been any good? Well, please bear in mind that I’m the guy who thinks Jerry Lewis is The Greatest Comedian In The History Of Falling Into A Swimming Pool With Your Clothes On, but - Yes, “Crazy From The Heat” might have been so Funny that in 2018 Seth Rogan would be Mowing David Lee Roth’s Yard for a Living (I made up that bit while Mowing Seth Rogan’s Yard this Afternoon). The Big Conflict of “Crazy From The Heat” is between Dave The Happy Rock Star and his Sleazeball Hollywood Agent Marty who gets as much Screen Time, Jokes, and Gags as Dave. It’s like on a Van Halen Album where you hear Michael Anthony Singing even more than Dave. Maybe Dave Wrote this character with Michael Anthony in mind. Nah, Michael Anthony is a really nice guy and Marty is an evil prick. If Marty is going to be played by an evil prick Bass Player the role would have to go to Gene Simmons. HA! “Good one, John!” Beat it, Ace Frehley! I read Paul Stanley’s Book and have lost all respect for you!
The most confusing thing about this Script is the character of Pete, Dave’s Best Friend. I cannot for the Life of me imagine what kind of Guy David Lee Roth would be Friends with. The most recent Dave Video I have seen was pretty much about Dave and his Dog. Yeah, in 2018 David Lee Roth is an Old Guy with a Dog. Maybe this Pete was meant to be played by a Dog or some kind of Dog Muppet. Yeah, Dave just has a Guy named Pete in the Script but once the Studio gave him a Ton of Cash to make the Movie he could announce “Oh, and Pete is a Talking Dog! It’ll be HYSTERICAL!” Dave is not a “Buddy” kind of Guy. He was in Van Halen for Five Years before he caught on that Eddie and Alex were Brothers. That’s what finally pushed Eddie over the brink “What the FUCK! Alex’s last name is Van Halen just like my last name is Van Halen!” “So what? i didn’t even know his name was Alex until I tried reading the part of a Van Halen article that wasn’t about me!” There is also a guy named Ed in the Script but he is not an Alcoholic Guitar Player. Maybe this was an effort on Dave’s part to inspire Eddie Van Halen to stop being an Alcoholic Guitar Player. Or at least quit being a Guitar Player. By that time we had heard pretty much everything we were ever going to hear from Eddie the Guitar Player, by “1984” it was pretty much . . . Sammy Hagar should really get more credit. Did he have a Movie Script? “Can’t Drive Fifty Five” could have been a Kick Ass Burt Reynolds-Hal Needham style Car Chase Comedy. But there isn’t anybody named Sammy in the “Crazy From The Heat” Script so I’ll save all the Sammy stuff for theAcid Logic Sammy Davis Junior Interesting Motherfuckers Article.
Remember a few Years ago when Patton Oswalt and some other LA Comedy Hipster assholes did a Public Reading of the Script for Jerry Lewis’ “The Day The Clown Cried”? Me and the other Acid Logic Guys were gonna do a Public Reading of the Script for Richard Pryor’s “The Day The Clown Set Fire To Himself While Freebasing Cocaine” but now we’re going to Freebase Cocaine and do a Public Reading of “Cray From The Heat”! It’ll be outside the Shell Station on Pearson next Tuesday at 3 AM while that Old Guy is the only Employee in the Station and we can really Go To Town! We’re all gonna dress up in Wolfgang Van Halen Fat Suits and blast Dave’s “Eat Em And Smile” Album on my Car’s Stereo while we jump up and down on the hood. Uh oh! The Old Guy is already suspicious from when we went in there looking for Wolfgang Van Halen Fat Suits! Freebasing Cocaine fucks up your Sneaky Skills. Hey, maybe we can get Dave to come over and read all the “Dave” lines? Hey, the Phone is ringing! Hello? Yeah, this is John Saleeby! The “Crazy From The Heat” Script Reading? Yeah, it’s happening! Oh, Hi, Dave! I was just Writing about . . . Uh . . . No, we won’t have a Backstage Dressing Room . . . A Bowl of M&Ms? . . . Nah, Patton Oswalt won’t be there . . .
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John Saleeby wrote for The National Lampoon while he was in high school, was a stand up comic in New York, and has contributed to the net humor zines Schmuck.com, Campaign Central, and the legendary American Jerk. He's on medication now so he's probably a little nicer now than he was when you met him earlier. Email - email@example.com
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