Hot Rods To Mohawks - The Evolution Of The Apocalyptic Barbarian In Modern Cinema
By John “The Governor” Saleeby!
March 1st, 2015
The fellahs are out for a spin!
Everybody Loves The Apocalypse! Every Sunday Night we watch “The Walking Dead” to cheer the survivors of the Zombie Plague in their struggle against the Savage Maniacs who have lost all Humanity . . . What? You didn’t watch “The Walking Dead” this Week? What did you watch? The Academy Awards!?! You Savage Maniac!! You have lost all Humanity!!! (Saleeby hacks the Maniac to Death with a Machete before they can start whining about how Michael Keaton should have won for Best Actor.) But what kind of Apocalypse would it be without those Crazy Guys N’ Gals who have lost their minds over the End Of Civilization and become Full On BARBARIANS? Here they come now with their Motorcycles, Pink Mohawks, and Assless Chaps!!! Yeah, you know as well as I do the only reason we’re still watching that stupid “Walking Dead” is for when they get Pink Mohawks and start riding around on Motorcycles in their Assless Chaps! Give me a call when My Girl Maggie gets a Pink Mohawk and starts riding around on a Motorcycle in her Assless Chaps! YEAH! I’m talking about that crazy Australian dude in “The Road Warrior”, of course. Now there is a guy who has freaked out over The Global Holocaust with STYLE! People look at those Barbarians chasing Mel Gibson around and wonder “What happened to these people that they would carry on like that?!?” What happened? THE END OF THE WORLD happened! You think The World Ended with a highly promoted Finale Episode like “Seinfeld” and “How I Met Your Mom”? If you want to understand those Marauding Mofos in “The Road Warrior” a quick review of other Apocalyptic Barbarians in earlier “End Of The World” Movies will provide a Step By Step Guide to the Process of a Decent Citizen like you gradually becoming that guy with the Pink Mohawk. Oh, yeah - You’ll have a Blue Mohawk. You’re so MANLY!!
1) The Teenage Hot Rod Gang in “Panic In The Year Zero”!
Ray Milland and his Family are on a Fishing Trip in the California Mountains when Nuclear War erupts and now Ray is getting pushed around by Teenage Hot Rod Punks crazed on Rape, Robbery, and Rosewater. (If Jon Stewart can’t come up with a decent use for such a lovely phrase John Saleeby can)! In the Film “Hot Rods To Hell” Dana Andrews and his Vacationing Family are terrorized by Adolescent Hot Rodders BEFORE The World has Ended so Andrews still has an excuse to be a pussy about it. But Ray Milland has been freed of any such constraint. If The Bomb had been dropped at the Beginning of “Hot Rods To Hell” Andrews probably would have killed his Wife and kids before the Hot Rod Kids even show up in the Movie. Dana Andrews - That guy is a Wreck! If Civilization ever fell apart on that creep all his hair would fall out and he’d turn into Harry Cooper, the Angry Bald Headed Guy in “Night Of The Living Dead”. But in “Panic In The Year Zero” those kids screw up Big Time and rape Ray Milland’s Daughter so he can blow em to pieces with a Shot Gun! Whoa! “I would have done that, too! If there had been a Nuclear War before those guys showed up in their damn Hot Rods, I mean!” Shut up, Dana Andrews! You SUCK!!
2) The Motorcycle Army in “Dawn Of The Dead”!
If there is anything worse than Nuclear War it’s a Zombie Epidemic. Either that or when you are mopping the floor and a couple strands of the mop get wrapped around that little round thing at the bottom of a piece of furniture - I HATE THAT! “Panic In The Year Zero” is an early Sixties Movie but by the late Sixties Teenage Hot Rod Goons who hadn’t been splattered by Ray Milland had devolved to the kind of Two Wheeled Mayhem portrayed in Biker Movies like “The Wild Angels” and “The Losers”. So there is a Real World connection between “Hot Rods To Hell” and “The Wild Angels” which we can also see in “Panic In The Year Zero” and “Dawn Of The Dead”. Gee, those Real World connections make Writing about Movies so easy! Unless you are Writing about “American Sniper” and “Selma”, then that Real World stuff is a pain in the ass! Despite the Zombies, “Dawn Of The Dead” ends like every Biker Movie ends - The defeated Bikers ride into the darkness, bitching and moaning about how nobody likes em, Boo Hoo Hoo . . . Except for “The Wild Angels” which ends with Pete Fonda digging a grave for his dead Buddy. Or “Easy Rider” which ends with Pete Fonda as dead as his Buddy (Note To Bikers: Don’t be Pete Fonda’s Buddy).!
3) The Australians in “The Road Warrior”!
Yeah, “The Australians” - I don’t know what else to call those freaks in “The Road Warrior”! Is everybody in Australia crazy? Cause I’m moving there - Fuck being a Little Old White Man in America twenty years from now! But there you have it - From Hot Rod Kids to Biker Gangs and finally to people who hang around with Kangaroos. Cause those “Road Warrior” Barbarians are NUTS! So don’t believe what you see on “The Walking Dead”. When The End comes there won’t be any sane, intelligent Human Beings having thoughtful discussions about The Right or The Wrong thing to do. When most of us are Dead the Survivros will go completely out of their minds. And at long last Acid Logic will be recognized as The Best Internet Zine Ever! I don’t care, I’ll be in Australia. Remember the Four Eyed Guy in “The Road Warrior” whose fingers got chopped off by the razor sharp Boomerang? That’s gonna be ME!!
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John Saleeby wrote for The National Lampoon while he was in high school, was a stand up comic in New York, and has contributed to the net humor zines Schmuck.com, Campaign Central, and the legendary American Jerk. He's on medication now so he's probably a little nicer now than he was when you met him earlier. Email - email@example.com