Apocalypse on Christmas: Revenge of the Elves

By Johnny Apocalypse December 1st, 2010

T'was Christmas evening and a full year had passed
Since last year's volatile holiday blast.
Two Santas were dead and I thought I could rest,
Unaware of the approaching holiday test.
I sat in a chair, the fireplace alight,
Smoking my first cigarette of the night.
A book in the right hand and coffee in the left,
I had no more worries about Christmas time theft.
But a noise in the backyard caught my ear,
Could it be that a third Santa was near?
I stepped on the porch and flicked on the light,
The view I saw gave me a fright.
Dozens of elves covered my lawn,
I screamed "You little bastards begone!"
"You killed our master," they shouted right back,
"Santa's helpers, prepare to attack!"
I knew my pistol wouldn't handle this much fun,
So I ran to my room for my trusty shotgun.
I blasted an elf and down the stairs he fell,
I sent that fucker straight to hell!
Two more rushed me and I blasted them away,
I had a maniac grin as I entered the fray.
My house was now filled with the gnomes,
Buckshot and blood was filling my home.
When I ran out of shells I felt it was time
To beat the elves with their partners in crime.
I grabbed one of them and gave him a toss,
Right into the throngs of chaos.
Grabbing another by the legs,
I began to pummel the elves into bloody dregs.
Soon all that was left was a mass of gore,
I let out a loud and victorious roar.
"Come one and come all to the Christmas slaughter!
I kill you all and fuck your daughters!"