Apocalypse on Christmas

By Johnny Apocalypse December 1st, 2008

Twas the night before Christmas and I was having a smoke,
Writing for Acid Logic, telling many a joke.
I ground out my Marlboro and reached for the pack,
When a piercing strange aura raised the hair on my back.
I don't know what caused it so I reached for my gun,
The .45 and I were going to have some fun.
I crept down the stairs with maniac glee,
And saw a dark figure before my Christmas tree.
"Freeze motherfucker!" I shouted with zest,
Right before the intruder kicked me in the chest.
My gun went flying and I realized in fright,
The burglar was St. Nick and he wanted to fight.
I was full of caffeine and ready for trouble,
And that's when I found out that Santa could rumble.
He got me in a bear hug but I worked my hands free,
That's when the fat bastard kicked me into the tree.
I hit him with a right and he doubled back,
But Santa fought hard like a ninja on crack.
He punched me, he kicked me, he clobbered my balls,
He was using my blood to deck the halls.
I rabbit punched the man and dove for my gun,
Fired a few rounds as he started to run.
St. Nick squeezed up the chimney like he was made of clay,
But I wasn't about to let the prick get away.
I climbed on the roof in the dark of night,
Grabbing the sleigh right before it took flight.
We soared through the air as I clung to the back,
Santa started beating me with his heavy toy sack.
"You son of a bitch, every year it's the same,"
He yelled "I'm sick and tired of this holiday game!
I only break in to steal your toys,
To molest your dog, to stir up some noise!"
"You're not Santa, you're a crazy fat fuck,
And now that I've got you, you're shit outta luck!"
I jumped in the sleigh and took hold of the reins,
Guiding the sled like an out of control train.
The madman lost his balance as I steered for the ground,
I whipped out my gun and fired my last round.
The city was littered with brains and bone,
But I was laughing my ass off, heading for home!

 

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