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News from Around the World

By Johnny Apocalypse

So there I was, watching TV and the nine o'clock news was about to come on.  I avoid the news more then I avoid visiting the hospital, so I was preparing to change the channel when a promo for the top stories came on.  While I can't remember the first story they mentioned, the second story was covering a bomb threat at a local high school in the county I live in.  The school wasn't named, so I figured I'd watch the news for the first time in my life so I could find out more.

The top story covered was indeed the first story from the promo, and I felt I had sufficient reason to believe the bomb threat was coming next.  Instead, I get a story about some high speed chase tearing through Denver.  Certainly worth being on the news, right?

After another story or two, the news came to its first commercial break, mentioning again the upcoming story about the bomb threat.  Straight after the commercial, they went into the weather, and then a human interest story to brighten the mood.  Next came another commercial, with another promo on the bomb threat.  I checked my watch; just about nine twenty, surely there would be enough time to cover that!

The commercials end and we go straight into sports.  I really don't care about sports one way or the other, but nothing in the professional or college levels had happened that day so they covered high school sports, which I definitely don't care about.

Finally, with a minute until nine thirty, the anchors wish Colorado a good night and signed off.

What the hell happened to the story about the bomb threat?  I'm being teased left and right about the story coming right up, and I never get it.  I didn't run to the bathroom and I wasn't being distracted by the dog so I know I didn't miss it.  How the hell does high school sporting events take precedent over that?  Maybe I don't have the same priorities as the rest of Colorado does, but something relating to public safety should certainly be mentioned far before I find out which school is going to the state wrestling championship.  Right after the news, I sent the station a scathing e-mail but never got a reply.

That was the last straw.  I once read a quote from some guy stating that if you want to change the media you have to become the media, so that's exactly what I'm going to do.  I welcome you to the premiere of the Apocalypse Times, all the news you need to know, plus weather, sports and everything else you check the paper for.

Vikings Protest the United Nations -
Yesterday a group of Vikings held a seven hour protest outside of the U.N. headquarters in New York.  Vlad Eriksen, the group's spokesperson, said that they were tired of being sanctioned by the United Nations due to their pillaging activities.

"We can scarcely raze a village to the ground without these bastards whining," said Eriksen, "much less steal us some silver.  Why, I haven't plundered in nearly a fortnight!  Thor is very angry."

Dwight McPherson, the Special Representative to the Secretary General, said that after the Monty Python Act of 1989 the Vikings are only allowed to stand around and chant "spam".  "We really have no other use for Vikings these days," he said.  "They're outdated.  Sadly, we can't make a unanimous decision on much anything else, but at least we're taking care of that problem!"

The protest ended around five o'clock, as the Vikings had to work the night shift at McDonald's.

Priest Declares Scientology a Cult -
Father Anthony Black of the Portland Non-Denominational Church, received praise from his parishioners during his sermon when he called the Scientology movement a "vicious, bloodsucking cult".

"I don't know what they stand for," Black said, "but neither does anyone else!  All I know is they've turned good men and women away from God, and we can't stand for that.  Get rid of your First Amendment nonsense and outlaw that crap!"

An anonymous spokesperson for the Scientology movement claimed that the priest's comments were uncalled for.  "We're trying to make the world a better place in our own way, there's no need for this hostility.  Regardless, we're going to sue the hell out of Father Black."

Father Black is also the noted leader behind a less-popular anti-Buddhist group.  "Every religion is a path to God my ass," he said.  "That sounds like something a cult would say!  If this doesn't get taken care of soon, my parishioners and I will commit suicide so we can meet our lord, Jobuu, in the ninth level of existence."

Every President Declared an Idiot -
Historian James Carpenter has recently pieced together evidence which demonstrates that as long as there has been Democracy in the United States , people have long considered each President to be incompetent and dim-witted.

"I have pieced together essays from throughout the last two hundred years where each President is called an idiot by their opposing party.  Zachary Taylor was labeled a dumbass by his opponents, Nixon thought Carter was as smart as manure.  I even have an excerpt from the Farmer's Almanac where Ben Franklin alludes to John Adams committing homosexual oral sex!

"Sure, the Democrats complain about Bush and the Republicans about Clinton, but it's nothing new.  As long as there have been two political parties, there have been rampant insults between them."

No one can accurately predict the weather.  It's going to be cold as hell in the north and south poles and hot around the equator.  Some places will have rain, others will have sun.

New CEO of Gates Energy Steals Enron's Idea -
Cynthia Dolan, the first female CEO of Gates Energy, had decided to branch into energy trading, much like the Enron company.

"Nobody knows what the hell energy trading is," she said, "so I don't really have to do shit.  Seriously, what does this company do now?  Trade seven tons of coal for two smashed atoms?  All I know is that our stock prices will increase dramatically and I stand to bank some serious money."

Movie Reviews -
Superman Returns kicks ass.  You, Me and Dupree looks pretty damn stupid.

Fourth Horseman Arrested-
Death, the fourth horseman of the apocalypse, was arrested yesterday morning in Munich for distribution of child pornography.  The long term investigation came to a close with a raid on Death's fifth floor penthouse, confiscating his computer and his fabled pale horse, which will be sold at a police auction next Wednesday.

Frederich Schtüttenhaben, chief investigator for the Munich Polizei, said "we've been after this guy for a long time.  I knew he was up to no good, and once I tracked down his e-mail address we got to work."

Interpol is still looking for Death's accomplices, War and Pestilence.  Famine was arrested two years ago in Australia on charges of bigamy.

Horoscope -
Roll a standard six-sided pair of dice.  If the numerical sum is even, you're going to have a shit day.  You might even die.  If the number is odd, now is the time to make an important business decision or seek new love.  If you rolled snake eyes, get an AIDS test.

Cure for Cancer Developed-
Scientists in Australia stunned the world yesterday when they revealed that they had developed the cure for cancer.  Surprisingly, they have said that the cure is eating a healthy diet and getting plenty of exercise.

"It's amazing we didn't discover this before," said Dr. Hanson McCoy.  "People can prevent cancer before it starts as well as cure it the same way!  All you need to do is eat a well balanced diet, exercise for thirty minutes or more a day and keep your weight down."

Shortly after the story was initially released on CNN, seventy five percent of America said they were waiting for the cure to be developed into pill form.

Noted Psychic Predicts Armageddon -
Armin Skeezor, of the Skeezor Psychic Friends Hotline, has predicted that the world will end in December of 2007.  He claims that the smallpox virus will mutate and spread viciously, with little or no time to prepare a new vaccine.

"I know plenty of psychics have predicted the end of the world before," says Skeezor, "but I have a really good feeling about this one.  I've confirmed my sources in the spirit world, and December of 2007 is the end."

In related news, Skeezor's wife Annie has predicted the end of their marriage to be within the next week.

You want sports, watch ESPN.


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