By John Saleeby
February 1, 2017
Sorry I didn’t contribute an article to the last Acid Logic issue of 2016 but I had too much Work to do. That’s all I did in 2016 - Work! Work Work Work! That was almost “Work Work Work Work!” but that was too much Work! My Job, Writing for Acid Logic, Recording my Comedy Podcast, Playing Bass in my Scorpions Cover Band - Work!
And it’s going to be more of the same for 2017 if the Losers in my Scorpions Cover Band ever quit screwing around and we finally start playing a few gigs. All we ever did in 2016 was fight over whether we should Sing “No One Likes You” instead of “No One Like You”. I dunno, I think “No One Likes You” would be funny. But Germans got no sense of Humor. Is flying to Germany and back every day for rehearsals with those jerks `worth the trouble? So that’s how busy I am. Right now I am Writing this article while Playing “Rock You Like A Hurricane” so it sounds like “Rock You Like A Guy Playing Bass With A Pen In One Hand And A Notebook In The Other”. This might be why John Paul Jones has never been able to find a Publisher for his Spy Novels.
All I do is Work and Sleep! And when I am asleep I dream that I am Writing Acid Logic articles. Remember that Acid Logic Article I Wrote about the Japanese Reggae Band that has a Bacon, Lettuce, and Cheese Sandwich for a Drummer? I hate to tell you this, but there is no such thing in Reality. I Wrote the whole thing while I was asleep and having a Dream about . . . Don’t make me Write it again, I feel STUPID!
All I do is WORK! All of the stuff that everybody was talking about in 2016 - The Presidential Election, The Olympics, The Giant Radioactive Dinosaur That Destroyed Tokyo (For all I know) - I was Working so much I missed out on all that crap. Election Night, while everybody else was watching CNN and laughing at those assholes trying to keep from crying I was busy typing up an Acid Logic article about a Ben Stiller Movie where everybody was telling him ”Fuck, you are UGLY! How did you get to Star in this Movie? Get Ryan Reynolds in here!” Yeah, that’s another article I Wrote while I was asleep and having a Dream about . . . Don’t make me Write it again, I feel as STUPID as those CNN douchebags on Election Night!
Did 2016 really happen? Did I Dream the whole thing? Is it possible that I was asleep for all of 2016 and the whole thing . . . Never Happened? Donald Trump didn’t win the Election, right? David Bowie and Prince didn’t die, right? Johnny Depp didn’t have a silly Band with Alice Cooper and Joe Perry, right? Don’t tell me to stop saying “right”! Who are you to order me around? No One Likes You! Oh, you’re Acid Logic Editor Will Forbis and yelling at me to “Write”! I HAVE been Writing, I . . . Where did all the stuff I was Writing go? The Pages in the Notebook are all BLANK! Oh, the Alarm Clock is going off . . . What Time is it? February? I’ll hit the Snooze Alarm and wake up in June . . .
Is it possible to Sleep for a whole Year? Maybe I’m DEAD! Am I in Hell? This isn’t too bad. Crap, I would have just went ahead and killed a bunch of people if I had known Hades was this easy. Hey, can I be like Pinhead in “Hellraiser” and go back to fuck with people? No? What a RIP OFF!
Is that “Odd Couple” Show with Matthew Perry and Tom Lennon any good? That really happened, right? Right?
What do you think? Leave your comments on the Guestbook!
John Saleeby wrote
for The National Lampoon while he was in high school, was a stand up
comic in New York, and has contributed to the net humor zines Schmuck.com,
Campaign Central, and the legendary American Jerk. He's on medication
now so he's probably a little nicer now than he was when you met him
Email - firstname.lastname@example.org