All God's Chillun Got Guns
By John Saleeby, Honorably Discharged From The United States Army, March 1, 1986. Should Have Stayed In, But Noooooo - I Had To Go To New York And Become A Stand Up Comic, Oh Boy, When I Screw Up I REALLY Screw Up!
Well, Thank God they finally started dropping bombs on people! For a while there it looked like the only bombs we were gonna see around here were "Emeril" and "Inside Schwartz". That war took longer to show up than the girls at a Chess Club meeting. But if you thought all the trivial things we were talking about before September 11 were silly how about the crap we came up with between the terrorist attacks and our first bombing of Talibanistan? Like how it was everybody's patriotic duty to buy a plane ticket, fly to New York, and see "The Producers" cause "We've got to save the musical theater!" As teenage girls, gay men, and people who talk like teenage girls and gay men would say - "Please." And all that foolishness about Bill Maher on "Politically Incorrect" - Boy, how dull would your life have to be for you to write an article about that? And comparing Rudy Guiliani to Churchill - Quick! What British government position did Churchill hold during the First World War? Huh? Huh? Okay, try this one - What political party was Churchill a member of while Prime Minister? Huh? You don't know that one either? Mmm . . . Let's try just one more - What was Churchill's first name? What? I am sorry, but - No, Churchill's first name was not Rudy. No more Churchill talk, okay?
But, Hey! Speaking of Prime Ministers, a lot of British people ( I'm being generous with that "people" there, I almost wrote "dangerously inbred pink bipods" but didn't because I didn't want to hurt any loud drunken unattractive person's feelings ) are unhappy with Tony Blair for going on and on and on and on and on and on so much about . . . What was that man carrying on so much about? Oh yes, the terror war. That guy couldn't be more tedious if he was a rock critic who has just discovered Sinatra. Don't mind us, Britishes, here in America we're so accustomed to nervous mumbling from our leader that compared to him Blair is Marlon Brando in "Street Car Name Designer" ( "Is dis da stop for da Versace street car?" ). Speaking as an American - Drunk and banging my beer bottle on top of the table for emphasis - I say "How dare youse limey beans put down Selma Blair - I'm sorry, I mean Tony Blair ( I was in Alabama yesterday ) for going into such a supportive tizzy over our war against the Taliban ( But not against Islam, just in case being told that every three seconds all day long for three weeks isn't long enough for you to catch on )? I say, Tony, Old Boy, Old Chap, Old Bean, Old Spice, Old Yeller, Old Navy Khaki Pants On Sale This Weekend - You're too funky for this crowd. Come to America, become a citizen, and then run for - " Yes, I know it's against the law for foreign born citizens to be elected President. Tony Blair can still run for President Of The United States without breaking the law, it's not like he's got a chance in Hell of ever being elected. I just get off on watching guys who are a million times more successful than I am falling flat on their asses.
The first night's attack included dozens of US planes, several British submarines, and a French guy doing Jerry Lewis' Invisible Typewriter routine. All the bombs we drop of Adghanistan seem to have "FOR THE NYPD" written on them. I know some black guys who have toilet plungers with that written on them. Thank you, Apollo!! Peace out!! Will the draft be brought back? Yeah, sure - Why not? All of the Baby Boomers who weren't drafted and sent to Vietnam in the sixties should be drafted and sent to Afghanistan. Or Vietnam. Or Finland - Hell, send em anyplace where I won't have to listen to em flappin' their gums all the time - I'm sick of the bastids.
Did you see "The Osama Bin Laden Show" on Al Jazeera TV the other day? "Those who live in America will never taste security and safety!" Well, those who live in Afghanistan will never taste Popeye's Fried Chicken, a McDonalds Quarter Pounder With Cheese, or a Burger King Whopper with onion rings, Mister Bin There Laden Done That Laden. He is sooo queer. I bet he doesn't even have a chloresterol problem. Watch that video while you play an old Steve Martin record and it's just like an old sit com I used to have on Al Jazeera called "The Flatulant Infidel Who's Very Existance Is A Rebuke To The Memory Of Our Holy Prophet" ( It's a lot catchier in Arabic, sounded kinda like "BALALALALALALALALALA!!!" ). We only made it because we got the much coveted Thursday night eight thirty spot after "Aoipca".
Speaking of television - And being Americans, do we have any choice in the matter? - they cancelled the Emmy Awards the night of the first attacks. Not because of the attacks, really - They just knew that stupid Jenna Elfman was gonna be there and they couldn't stand to be around the bitch. Which reminds me - Has Heather Locklear ever had anything even vaguely resembling an ass? What, did Tommy Lee win it in some weird Hollywood prenup agreement? Yeah, he's got it in a safety deposit box somewhere. Some poor Mexican lady has to open it up and clean it out twice a day. What does Heather Locklear's ass have to do with terrorism? Nothing! But I've got to carry on, I've got to get back to normal! Because if I stop doing jokes about women's asses the terrorists will have won. Well, the terrorists and my Mom. But what the hell was that prayer service they had in Yankee Stadium? What kind of religon has services officiated by Oprah Winfrey and Bette Midler? I'll become a Voodoo Witch Doctor and bring the XFL back from the dead before I'll pray with Bette Midler. They all said "Amen", looked down at their feet, and they were all wearing THE MOST FABULOUS NEW SHOES!! God was up in Heaven going "Hello, operator? For the next hour I'm only taking calls from Kabul, okay?"
It's interesting that for the first time in history we had an anti war movement before we had a war. This movement seems to be based on the teachings of a man named Noam Chomsky. There are other prominant thinkers in the "We Couldn't Get A Date To The Prom And Now America Is Gonna Pay" crowd such as Danny Tyler, Bob Peters, and Dennis Clark - But if you're gonna get the attention of the kinda people who wear Bierkenstocks and are deeply offended by Columbus Day you've just gotta have a name like "Noam Chomsky". Actually, you could probably find more people in the United States who admire Osama Bin Laden than admire Noam Chomsky, but that's probably because Bin Laden at least has the spunk to get up off his ass and really do something. Chomsky would be thrilled if a few if his devotees did something to kill a few thousand ugly Americans, but most of them haven't left the house since Jerry Garcia kicked.
There was an anti war protest in Central Park in which they chanted "No war in our name! No war in our name!" so then President Bush had to find a new name instead of The Pussies In The Park War. Isn't that the English translation of "Pelopenesian"? I can't look it up, I'm too busy working on my Bruce Vilanch look. Which reminds me, Whoopie Goldberg says she hasn't had any sense of humor since September Eleven. Yeah - September Eleven, Nineteen Eighty Six! Haw haw haw! What, you thought I was gonna keep a straight all through this thing?
And now everybody's scared to death of an outbreak of Anthrax! Wow! That is entirely too frightening to make jokes about, but that is exactly what I was saying about the World Trade Center four weeks ago. So check out Acid Logic in a month and there will be Anthrax jokes all over the place. Too bad we'll all be dying of the shit by then and you won't have any sense of humor about it. So just in case I'm too weak to say it then please allow me to say it now - "Hey! It was just a joke! Sheesh! Okay! I'm sorry! Now get off my freakin' back! Yikes!"
Okay, Okay, here's something I've been working on for you -
THE SALEEBY PLAN FOR PEACE WITH THE ISLAMIC WORLD
There are two things the Muslim terrorists are fighting to destroy:
2) American Popular Culture
As for (1), they've just got to get over it and shut the hell up. The fox will like the farmer if the farmer lets the fox into the hen house but when the chickens are all gone and the fox gets hungry the fox is gonna give the farmer a bite on the behind. I just threw that in for all you old Ross Perot admirers. Lord, you are dumb. But Isreal is here to stay. "We're here! With a schmear! Get used to it, already!" So the prospects of peace aren't looking too good until you remember that every single one of us with a shred of intelligence and taste despises (2) faaaar more than Bin Laden or Saddam Hussein could have ever thought possible. Was Saddam Hussein ever dragged into a theater showing "Sleepless In Seattle" by some chick he was going out with? Did Bin Laden ever have to keep a straight face while all his buddies were jammin' to a Kansas album? Nobody hates American culture more than any red blooded American, NO ONE!
So Here Is The Deal - They leave Isreal alone and we step back and let em do whatever they want to everybody in the Entertainment Industry. It's a great idea, so let's get Bin Laden out of hiding and back to work before Hollywood gets one of their pet Democrats into the White House and we'll have to dig out "The Turner Diaries" again.
Oh, one more thing - Did you know that "The Taliban" is Arabic for "The Onion"? It's true!
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John Saleeby wrote for The National Lampoon while he was in high school, was a stand up comic in New York, and has contributed to the net humor zines Schmuck.com, Campaign Central, and the legendary American Jerk. He's on medication now so he's probably a little nicer now than he was when you met him earlier. Email - email@example.com