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There Will be Tits

By John Saleeby
March 1, 2010

why was Conquest of the Planet of the Apes denied its rightful Oscar?When Acid Logic Editor Wil Forbis told me to write an article about the Academy Awards I spent even more time daydreaming about chaining him to the back of a pick up truck and dragging him down a dirt road than I usually do. In fact, I spent so much time daydreaming that five days later I had a one hundred page motion picture screenplay about chaining Wil Forbis to the back of a pick up truck and dragging him down a dirt road entitled "Saleeby Gets Pushed Too Far" and if there was ever a Movie entirely too cool to be dragged into that Academy Award mess that would be it right there. Cause out here in the Real World where Men are Men and Women are Women we watch Movies but only Men who are Women watch the Academy Awards.

We don't care because of all the lame Movies that have won the Academy Award (I can't bring myself to talk about the "Oscar". Isn't it bad enough they had everybody talking about "Harvey Milk"?) and all the great Movies that haven't won their stupid little naked dude statue. And NO, I am not talking about when "How Green Was My Valley" beat "Citizen Kane". What's eveybody got against "How Green Was My Valley"? "Citizen Kane" is great but "How Green Was My Valley" never did anything to deserve the way all you "Citizen Kane" freaks are running around talking trash about it. That is a perfect example of the kind of unseemly behavior that comes out of caring about the Academy Awards - A bunch of grown men carrying on like Junior High School girls over a perfectly nice Movie like "How Green Was My Valley" just because it got the Academy Award instead of . . . Uh . . . Where was I? . . . "How Green Was My Valley" . . . " . . . Valley" . . . "Valley Girl" . . .

"Valley Girl"! That's what I'm talking about it! "Valley Girl" - One of the best Motion Pictures in Motion Picture History! Every time I see "Valley Girl" it makes me so happy I can go two or three days without wanting to kill myself. When was the last time I saw "Valley Girl"? Three days ago? Hhhhmmm . . . So of course a Movie that beautiful got the Academy Award for Best Motion Picture, right? Right? Let's look up what Movie won the year "Valley Girl" came out . . . Uh . . . The Best Picture of 1983 was . . . "Terms Of Endearment"? What the fuck is "Terms Of Endearment"? I've never heard of that Movie in my entire Life! And I am so up on Movies not only have I seen the one Mudhoney got their name from but I have even heard Mudhoney! Anybody who saw "Terms Of Endearment" in 1983 and thought it was better than "Valley Girl" should have been shot. But I think they've all died of AIDS so it's too bad we could'nt put them out of their misery. Go ahead and see "Terms Of Endearment" if you want but I am pretty sure that it died. If not, give me a call and I'll shoot it after you've seen it. And then I'll shoot you. Unless I haven't seen "Valley Girl" again, then I'll beg you to shoot me.

Here's 'nother 'xample why I don't care 'bout no 'cadamy 'wards - What's the first Movie that comes to mind when you remember 1972? "Conquest Of The Planet Of The Apes", right? It's a Beloved Monkey Classic! When were you ever sitting around knocking back the Brewskis with the Guyskis when somebody didn't get up, recite Roddy McDowell's big monologue from the final scene, and then fall flat on his face while everybody hooted and hollered like a bunch of Monkeys that have just cast the first blow in the Titanic Struggle for control of the Planet Earth? It's the Movie that popularized the use of the Banana as more than just another funny Sex Toy! I've seen that Movie so many times that if I'm not careful I'll start walking around in front of everybody like Roddy McDowell in it and walking around in front of everybody like Roddy McDowell is dangerous even when he isn't walking around like a chimpanzee!

So did "Conquest Of The Planet Of The Apes" win the 1972 Best Motion Picture Award? No! What Movie won? "The Godfather"! Can you believe that? What's "The Godfather" got that "Conquest OF The Planet Of The Apes" ain't got? Oh, yeah - It's got Marlon Brando sticking an orange slice in his mouth and pretending to be a Gorilla, but that ain't enough Monkey for me! All you Acadamy minded mooks'll say something like "Well, Roddy McDowell was already in 'How Green Was My Valley' and the Academy doesn't like to give awards to people who have already -" Get outta here! If you're such an "In The Know" Hollywood Insider let's see you set me up with Hillary Swank for next Saturday night, I'll buy her a sandwich. You don't know shit. I'll tell you what I know, "Conquest Of The Planet Of The Apes" got RIPPED OFF!! Hey, Francis Ford Coppolla! If it wasn't for "The Outsiders" I'd be outside of your house in a Roddy McDowell Chimpanzee costume so you'll think I'm Al Pacino and when you let me inside I'll run around screaming like a banshee and . . . Do you people have any idea how exhausting writing this stuff is? Oxygen? No, Thanks! You got any Gummy Bears?

My final example of why I let this shit disturb me so takes us all the way back to 1964, the year The Beatles came to America so you'd think that the Acadamy picked something totally Rockin' for the Best Movie, huh? Well, the Best Picture Award for 1964 went to "My Fair Lady". At first this did not upset me too much - Once you've been kicked in the teeth by something like "Terms Of Endearment" and then kneed in the crotch by something like "The Godfather" you get used to cheap shots - Like Rocky Balboa, a man who deserved every friggin' Award he ever got! Where's the trophy for Rambo? Those BASTARDS! - but "My Fair Lady" had a delayed impact. Like when Stiv Bators from The Dead Boys got hit by a car, jumped right up, dusted himself off, took his girlfriend out to dinner, and died in his sleep (Pretty good idea for an Academy Award winning Movie, although Julia Roberts as Stiv might be a hard sell. Maybe we can work in Sally Field as Cheetah Chrome?) Not that I was dead when I woke up the morning after I found out that "My Fair Lady" won the 1964 Best Picture Award, I just smelled like it because I overslept and had to leave without brushing my teeth or taking a shower. But I thought that I had died and gone to Smelly Hell when I remembered that 1964 was the year that My Ultimate Hero Jerry Lewis released two of his All Time Best Movies "The Patsy" and "The Disorderly Orderly" - I LOVE THOSE MOVIES!!! "The Patsy" is maybe The Best Movie Ever Directed By Jerry Lewis and if that isn't high praise to you I prays for you! Is there anything in "My Fair Lady" as fantastic as the scene in "The Patsy" where Jerry gets his shoes shined by SCATMAN CROTHERS? Is Scatman Crothers even in "My Fair Lady"? I don't remember him. "The Disorderly Orderly" may not be as great as "The Patsy" but it's better than "My Fair Lady". At least "The Disorderly Orderly" has Sammy Davis Junior singing the theme song, I'll admit that all of the songs in "My Fair Lady" are better than "The Disorderly Orderly" theme song but did they let Sammy Davis Junior sing any of them? No!! What does "My Fair Lady" have against The Brothers? No Scatman Crothers, no Sammy Davis Junior - Sidney Poitier better be somewhere in there or I'm gonna dress up like Spike Lee and do something to get my name in the magazines!

All "My Fair Lady" has going for it are a bunch of songs that have been hammered into our brains as permamently as "Stairway To Heaven" and "Free Bird" - "I'm getting married in the morning! Ding Dong, the bells are gonna chime! Just get me to the Church, get me to the Church . . . " Oh, was I prancing? I'm sorry! Allow me to walk around like a Chimpanzee to bolster my masculine image . . . What? I wasn't walking around like Roddy McDowell, I was . . . Let me try this . . . You'll think I'm really cool when you see me doing this . . . Huh? No, I wasn't acting like Jerry Lewis in "The Patsy", that was supposed to be Nicholas Cage in "Valley Girl"! I don't have time for this, I have to finish this article.

Forget about Movies from the Eighties, Seventies, and Sixties - How about more recent ones? Did "Beer Fest" win the Academy Award? Let me look that up . . . Shit!
How about "The Signal"? Let's see . . . Crap!
"The Wackness"? . . . Damn!
Wait a minute! "Zombieland" wasn't nominated for Best Movie this year? Fuck, I don't know why I even bothered to write this god damn article. 


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John Saleeby wrote for The National Lampoon while he was in high school, was a stand up comic in New York, and has contributed to the net humor zines, Campaign Central, and the legendary American Jerk. He's on medication now so he's probably a little nicer now than he was when you met him earlier.
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