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Everyone Loves an Abortion

By Dan Seymour
July 16 2003

It seems that all you'd have to do to set off a massive riot of berserk, blood-hungry women, scratching, clawing, biting, and screaming in every conceivable direction, is to suggest that maybe sucking out a living fetus of a woman's womb and scraping out other various amenities with some tools isn't the most beneficial possibility for all parties involved. To hear some women talk about it, it really sounds like they think that abortion can be placed in the same classification as pretty clouds and cotton candy, peaches and chocolate and beautiful, sunny days. I actually overheard some girl in a bowling alley saying to her friend: "Oh, you mean you've never had an abortion? You have to try one. They're great!" Just kidding.

But in all seriousness, I have difficulty grasping exactly where and when people began thinking of abortions as God's greatest gift to woman since the Lifetime Television Network. I wouldn't be surprised to walk out of my house to see "Nation Abortion Promotion Day," with people handing me flyers and pamphlets about why I simply can't afford to pass up an abortion while I still have the chance. I happen to be pro-choice, but that is only because I am an extremely progressive liberal, and an insufferable bleeding heart. I put my belief in a woman's right to choose to kill her unborn child in the same category as my belief that all drugs should be legal, that pedophiles should be allowed to possess child pornography, and that convicted murderers and rapists should be teachers, in order to expose our children to all different types of people. I also believe that when discussing a woman's right to choose, abortion should be considered a very serious and grave matter, with an emphasis on the fact that while oppression and restriction of women's rights are bad, a dead, bloody fetus that had a heartbeat until you aborted it is bad as well. Abortion is an ugly process. I've seen pictures. They weren't exactly the most wholesome images I've ever seen. It's not a particularly natural procedure, and women bleed, have cramps, and pass large clots of blood (ewww!!!) for weeks after an abortion. None of this is any reason why abortions shouldn't be perfectly legal anyway, but can we at least paint a realistic picture of them as regrettable but occasionally necessary evils, rather than a joyous trip to the beach that you'll always remember fondly? Can we at least discourage them, please? Pretty please? I mean I don't buy this whole "think of all the possible Kareem Abdul-Jabars who never lived because of abortions" argument, because for every Kareem who was aborted, there were three or four million Will Perdues. But I do believe that abortions are wrong and bad, and although I don't believe we have the right to tell a woman that she can't have one, I also know that I would never in a million years have one for myself. Fortunately for me, the prospects of me getting pregnant remain encouragingly slim. Don't get me wrong, now. I'm not supporting pro-lifers by any stretch of the imagination. I think they need to get off their soapboxes, stop shooting doctors who perform abortions, and mind their own business. Furthermore, I don't think some jerk in a suit working for an insurance firm for $55,000 a year with season tickets for the Lakers has the right to tell a pregnant, single woman working at the White Castle that killing a tiny, sticky fusion of cells within her own body is immoral, unless of course he intends to pay for the baby's expenses himself.

All I'm saying is that we need to bear in mind what a horrifying and ugly thing an abortion is, and even though we can't prevent women from having them (either by a legal medical procedure or by a wire hanger,) we shouldn't champion abortion as being a fun, cheap, and constructive way to spend our leisure time. We must silence the voice of that hippie demonstrating on the campus of Columbia University, yelling: "Get an abortion today!"


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