Tonight I’m Gonna Party Like It’s 1939

By John Saleeby
May 1st, 201

Swing it Man!Hey, remember that crazy Swing Music Revival in the Early Nineties? Hey, I’m not putting those Swingsters down – Going out to have a few drinks, dance around with some pretty girls – That’s a perfectly legitimate way to spend your Time. Not everybody is Cool enough to sit around in a dingy apartment writing Comedy bits in a spiral notebook all night - Go out in a Zoot Suit and Cut The Rug to Music they liked in World War Two, I don’t give a crap what you do. I’m so Old I feel like I was dancing around in a Zoot Suit during World War Two. You kids want to be like me, I appreciate the compliment. Just don’t wind up sitting around in a dingy apartment writing Comedy bits in a spiral note book all night – It SUCKS!

But it was Nuts! Every Night on TV you’d see some idiot gushing at us about “Today’s Kids have FINALLY turned away from Rap, Punk, and Metal to enjoy the Good Ol’ Wholesome Music their Grandparents Loved!” No, wait, that wasn’t the “idiot” part. That came next with “ . . . Good Ol’ Wholesome Swing Bands like THE CHERRY POPPIN’ DADDYS” and I’d pull my hair out and knit a pair of Socks with it. THE CHERRY POPPIN’ DADDYS!!! How happy would you be if your Kid was into a Death Metal Band called The Cherry Poppin’ Daddys? You’re going to tell me Grandpa would happy to hear Little Jimmy Boppin’ The Bop to a Combo called The Cherry Poppin’ Daddies? “Hey, Jimmy, is that SWING MUSIC I hear coming out of your room?” “Yeah, Grandpa!” “Who was that blastin’ that Jumpin’ Jive?” “THE CHERRY POPPIN’ DADDYS!!!” Gramps dissolves into a puddle of bubbling green slime. Last Words - “Give that Boy ‘Reign In Blood’ for Christmas!”

Just like Punk came out of CBGBs and Rap out of CFuckBFuckGFuckBs the Swing Revival can be traced to a Los Angeles Club called The Derby. This Classy Joint opened in 1993 offering Free Swing Dance Lessons and if that doesn’t sound a great place to meet girls you’re in some dive full of sweaty dudes waiting for your Cousin’s Misfits Cover Band to come on. SCREW THAT! The Derby was the first Club in LA to book Swing Bands every night – It was The Place To Be! You expect those Kids to spend The Best Years Of Their Lives sitting around waiting to see what Courtney Love comes up with?

So CHEERS to you, Swing Kids! But what really brings out the MADTV Wiseassery in Me is the Teensploitation Industry’s desperate attempt to cultivate that silly little LA Shindig into an International Market that could be Milked for Millions. Seriously, those people are hopeless. Just for a gag we ought to get every Teenager in Tulsa, Oklahoma to go out every Saturday Night and dance to old Sammy Davis Junior Rat Pack Records. Bribe thousands of Kids to get together every Week End and Shake A Leg to “Peter Lawford Is A Crazy Cat”, “Are You A Jew? Hey, I Am,Too!”, and, of course, that fucking “Candy Man” thing. After a Month and a half they’ll have Justin Timberlake recording an Album of that crap, Netflix will be Producing a Sammy Bio Pic Starring Will Smith’s miserable kid, and there will be a Freighter sailing over from Hong Kong full of whatever the Hell kind of Socks Sammy wore. Hay, wait a minute, wasn’t Sammy the poor bastard who lost an eye in a car accident? “Get one million Sammy Davis Junior Eyepatches and Glass Eyes in here by Tuesday!!! WE ARE GONNA MAKE SO MUCH MONEY!!!” So, No – Nobody made a Dime off of The Swing Revival. But it did a lot better than that damn REGGAE mess!

And me? The Whole Time was mortified that Teenage Kids weren’t getting into Izzy Stradlin Solo Albums. “We gotta drop a Million Izzy CDs with little Cartoon Parachutes onto LA right away!”
“Iggy CDs?”
“Oh, Goddammit!!”

“Hey! How much would that Izzy guy want to lose an eye in a car accident? I got a warehouse in Brownsville full of eye patches and glass eyes I gotta unload!”

John Saleeby wrote for The National Lampoon while he was in high school, was a stand up comic in New York, and has contributed to the net humor zines, Campaign Central, and the legendary American Jerk. He's on medication now so he's probably a little nicer than he was when you met him earlier.
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