You Tube! I Tube! We All Scream For Side Boob!
By John Saleeby
August 1st, 2019
You Tube is the best thing to happen since the last Acid Logic article about You Tube. Free Movies on a screen the size of a Movie Theater Ticket! Here are a few suggestions for what to watch the next time you want to push your eyeballs one inch closer to permanent blindness...
(Note: Movie titles are liked to youtube video.)
Some nut got his head banged up real bad with a surf board and wrote the script for “Surf 2” (Ain’t no such Movie as “Surf” or “Surf 1”) while his head was banged real bad with pain killers. That might explain our current Opioid epidemic – Guys see “Surf 2” and it’s so funny they get all Oxy’d up and try writing something as hilarious – Good Luck, Punks! And what a Cast! Did that nut bang his head up so bad he had to wear a Cast for a hat? And what a Cast! Eric Stolz! Terry Keyser (Fuckin’ Bernie in “Weekend At Bernies”)! Eddie Dreezen! Yeah, Eddie Dreezen, that little annoying guy who was in practically every Comedy Movie in the Eighties. Is he in “Weekend At Bernies”? “Hey, I think there’s something wrong with Bernie there! Is he dead! He stinks of decomposition!” Shut up, Eddie! “Surf 2” is so good Eddie Dreezen is actually funny in it. WOW! Eddie plays a Mad Scientist who manufactures Buzz Cola, the refreshing beverage that turns Surfers into Zombies. Send a case to Brian Wilson’s house right away! To think after all these years I am suddenly an Eddie Dreezen fan. Have I banged up my head real bad? Am I dead? Do I stink of decomposition? “Hey, that’s my big word! Go find your own highfalootin’ nouns!” Shut up, Eddie! You know who else is in this Movie? That blonde I’ve had a crush on ever since I saw her in a McDonalds commercial when I was a kid! No, not that blonde. The other blonde. The blonde that . . . Shit, “Surf 2” is a Movie about Surfers in California, there are a million blondes in the damn thing. Look for the blonde with a Big Mac in her hand instead of a can of Buzz Cola “Eat a Big Mac with a can of Buzz Cola and you will wind up like that smelly Bernie guy there!” Shut up, Ernie! Don’t be afraid of the Zombies in “Surf2” - They don’t eat people, they eat garbage. People? Garbage? This Movie is set in California so what’s the difference? The only scene in the Movie I don’t like is when the Obligatory 80’s Comedy Movie Fat Guy challenges a Zombie to a gross out garbage eating contest while everybody moans with disgust. And then the other Obligatory 80s Comedy Movie Fat Guy eats a bologna sandwich with mayonaise and everybody goes berserk with disgust. Yeah, “Surf 2” has TWO obligatory 80s Comedy Movie Fat Guys. Which might explain the “2” in “Surf 2”. What do you think, Eddie? Where’d he go? I was getting kind of fond of the little guy! “I was at McDonalds tryin’ to get a bologna sandwich with mayonaise! I hate that place!”
Shock Em Dead
“Shock Em Dead” is about a pathetic loser who makes a deal with Satan to become a Big Rock Star. This Movie was Produced before we had Pathetic Loser Big Rock Stars like Husker Du and The Replacements. Ha. Hey, this is weird - “Shock Em Dead” has a scene in which the loser turned Big Rock Star barges into a band audition, immediately takes control, and throws the original guitar player out of the band just like Mick Mars’ audition scene in the Netflix Motley Crue Movie! Did Mick Mars sell his soul to Satan? Maybe if he had helped a little old lady cross the street once his soul would have been worth enough to get him in Guns N’ Roses instead of Motley Crue, huh? I always thought Mars was a Hair Metal Junkie that OD’d and Nikki Sixx and Tommy Lee were dragging him around for laffs like those zany pranksters in “Weekend At Bernie’s”. So was the Motley Crue Movie based on “Shock Em Dead”? To hell with the Motley Crue Movie, I bet Motley Crue was based on “Shock Em Dead”. What Movie was Poison based on? “Don’t put down Poison! CC DeVille has the moves that rocked and shocked Broadway!” SHUT UP, EDDIE!
This Movie is set at the height of Hair Metal and just wait til you see the height of this guy’s hair in this Movie! It’s as massive a special effects production as the mechanical shark in “Jaws” or the guitar solos on any Boston album. He uses a knife to kill people but it would be better if they figured out a way for him to KILL WITH HIS HAIR! “How about if Monster Foot Long Hair Lice could come out and chase em up and down the Sunset Strip! And then a giant can of bug spray could show up and all the Monster Foot Long Hair Lice could yell ‘RAID!’ while it squirted them all to oblivion! And then there will be an all out Battle Royale between the can of bug spray and a can of hair spray and when the can of bug spray wins my home slice CC DeVille will invent a brand new genre of Rock Music called ‘Bug Rock’!” Will somebody please get Eddie the fuck out of here? Yeah, we’ve all seen “Wrong Turn” before – The Movie about the Cannibal Hillbillies who attack people dumb enough to drive on the backwoods road that doesn’t go to anything but a shack where they are chopped up and . . . No, I don’t mean Stuckey’s, I . . . Uh, “Wrong Turn” is a good Movie but you’ve never seen it until you’ve heard it dubbed into ITALIAN! (Ed. Note: John fucked up - "Wrong Turn" on You Tube isn't dubbed in Italian. It's dubbed into some lingo called Tamil. But Eliza Dushku is hot in any language so don't have a Cow, okay?) One of the more annoying things about You Tube is when you sit down to watch a Movie and finding all of the actors jabbering at each other in one of them freak ass languages like Italian, German, and Spanish. Oh, Spanish isn’t foreign any more. Well, pardon my French! Yeah, “Wrong Turn” is good but with everybody talking to each other in Italian it is probably The Best Movie About Cannibal Hillbillies Of All Time. Do they have Cannibal Hillbillies in Italy? Imagine a Dario Argento or one of those goddam Fulci Movies about a backwoods road that doesn’t . . . I need to lie down. “Choppin’ up dead people is for sissies! Real Men chop up living people! Ain’t you never read no EC Comics?” SHUT UP, EDDIE!!! Keep them Cannibal Hillbillies away from here before they chop up my man Terry Keyser in “Weekend At Bernies!” And don’t forget - “Wrong Turn” has ELIZA DUSHKU!!! Or as we say in Saleeby Language, ELIZA DUSHKOOOOOO, BABY!!! And an Eliza Dushku Movie where she speaks Italian – OOOOOO, BABY!!! Uh, is Eliza Dushku old enough in “Wrong Turn” for me to making these jokes about her? Cause I can always make jokes about her later appearances in “Buffy Vampire Slayer”. Or her more recent performance in “True Lies”. Is she doing a Sit Com on Nickleodeon these days? Am I going to Hell for these jokes? That’s the only place where they’ll ever get a laugh “Do some jokes about Jeremy Sisko in ‘Wrong Turn’! How come that guy is in ‘Wrong Turn’ but I couldn’t even get a part as one of the Cannibal Hillbillies? I hate Jeremy Sisko!” FUCK YOU, EDDIE!!!