Monsters are The Best! I just Love that thing they do where they come from out of Nowhere and kill everybody. No wonder they couldn't get those people to evacuate New Orleans before Hurricane Katrina hit - They wanted to see what it was like to be in Tokyo when Godzilla attacked - Hell, yeah! Getting killed woulda been worth it. Dying all alone in a Hospital bed or chained to the wall in some pervert's basement is awful, but dying at the exact same instant as one quarter of a million other people is a BLAST! All those people in Hiroshima's last words - "WOW, man!!!" (Only in Japanese so it sounded like they were shrieking in horror and agony. But they were COOl.) Yeah, everybody Loves Monsters.
The two Monsters most likely to destroy the World are the Sasquatch (Or Bigfoot) and the Loch Ness Monster (Or Nessie). I don't have enough room in this article to write about less frequently spotted Monsters like the Flying Fiddler Crab of Dayton, the Big Green Queer of Dallas, or the Twenty Foot Gerbil That Jumped In Front Of A Guy's Car So He Lost Control And Crashed Into The Waffle House of Jacksonville. That last one demonstrates the necessity of giving a Monster a silly name like "Bigfoot" or "Nessie". I'm pretty sure that if just one or two more drivers see that Twenty Foot Gerbil and crash their cars into the Waffle House some clever witness will spare everybody all that talk about jumping in front of cars and crashing into greasy spoon diners. Maybe if this article goes over I'll drive down to Jacksonville and keep my eyes peeled for gigantic rodents while approaching the Waffle House. But I'm not going to Dallas!
Everybody wants to believe in Bigfoot but, I am sorry, I give up on the bum. If there really are a bunch of big hairy apemen running around the Pacific Northwest when are they going to quit being all shy and withdrawn and get to work killing people as posing a threat to Civilization As We Know It? All my Life I've been waiting for the day when I turn on my TV set and find out that millions of big hairy apemen have emerged from the wilderness of the Pacific Northwest and wiped out the entire populations of Washington, Oregon, and whatever other States they've got up there (I have no idea.) When I was a small boy I got so used to the idea that every Man, Woman, and Child up there in that godforsaken part of America was going to be torn apart and devoured by big hairy apemen one day that I have never been able to form any kind of attachment to the place. Except for Mudhoney. I didn't know Mudhoney was from up there, I thought they were one of those mopey Minneapolis bands like Husker Du or The Replacements. Then I found out they were from the Land of the Bigfoot Holocaust and realized I had opened my heart to despair.
Maybe I'm just old fashioned, but it takes more than being big and ugly to be a Monster. Yeah, Bears, Alligators, and Rush Limbaugh are big and ugly but they aren't Monsters. Well, maybe Rush . . . A little Comedy for you "Daily Show" assholes! No, a Monster is big and ugly but a Monster is also an Aggressive Blood Crazed Killing Machine! King Kong, Godzilla, The Thing From Another World, OJ Simpson (Screw those "Daily Show" dipshits) - Soon as they see somebody - BOOM! Dead! Did you ever see a Movie where Godzilla or Ghidra noticed someone was looking at them and they said "Feets do yo' stuff!" in Japanese? Forget it! But Bigfoot or Nessie? Every story about spotting those chickenshits ends with " . . . and then he saw me looking at him and ran away." Pathetic!
Imagine how lame "King Kong" would have been if the Dinosaurs on Skull Island had been as timid as Bigfoot. Remember when they were walking through the jungle and spotted that Stegosaurus? When that Dinosaur looked over and saw those guys gawking at him did he go "Oooohhh!" and run off to hide in the shrubbery like Mary Anne when she was sunbathing and saw The Professor and The Skipper coming at her . . . Sorry. No, that Stegasaurus didn't do anything in the least bit Mary Anne! That Thunder Lizard got one glimpse at those guys and - "YOU MOTHERFUCKERS!!!!" - it charged right at em! Now THAT was a Monster with a Capital M! Didn't Bigfoot ever see "King Kong"? Kong would be a good Role Model for that sissy.
Nessie should rent a few good Monster Movie CDs, too! If there was really a Loch Ness Monster Scotland would not be known as the place where guys wear kilts, play bagpipes, and . . . I can't think of anything else. Oh! "Trainspotting"! Yeah, if there really was a Monster in Loch Ness Scotland wouldn't be the Land of guys in skirts, the most horrible Musical Instrument ever devised, and "Trainspotting". If there was a Loch Ness Monster the first thing that comes to mind when you hear about Scotland would Brontosaurus Dinosaurs rising up from the waters of Loch Ness to roam the countryside with the Stegosaurus, Tyranosaurus Rex, Triceratops, and Pterodactyls flying around so all that Human stuff with the kilts, bagpipes, and "Trainspotting" never would have happened. No Scotland, no Ireland, no England, no London, no Royal Family, no Beatles, no Monty Python - Nothing but Dinosaurs! And why not - A giant Gorilla named Kong that likes Blondes. Every year the French sacrifice one to him. And with all that going on any big hairy apemen who might be in the American Pacific Northwest would be emboldened so raise so much Hell it would have been impossible for cities or towns to be built even if the North American continent could be settled by Europeans at all. There wouldn't even be Indians! They say that the first Indians came to America from Asia through Alaska and down into . . . the Pacific Northwest! Good Luck, Indians! Bigfoot ain't even gonna give you Firewater and Blankets infected with Cooties! Forget about all that cool Apache and Navaho stuff. The most you'll be is Eskimos - BUMMER!
There's only one way to get to the bottom of all this - Radiation. As any one who has studied old Monster Movies like "The Beast From Fifty Thousand Fathoms" and "The Giant Behemoth" while everybody else was studying Biology knows there is nothing like Radiation to have even the most harmless of creatures destroying cities and killing millions like Radiation. I propose we dump huge amounts of Radioactive Stuff all over the Pacfic Northwest and Scotland and if that doesn't result in the horrible deaths of millions at the hands of mutant big hairy apemen and Brontonessies we will at least get to laugh at all the people in Soundgarden and "Trainspotting" when they get sick and die. No Monsters? No problem. If we don't get to watch gigantic freaks slaughter multitudes we can massacre 'em ourselves. We were gonna do it anyway.
I dunno, maybe Bigfoot never does anything cause he's afraid of Nessie? And Nessie never does anything cause he's afraid of Bigfoot? Fuck em.
wrote for The National Lampoon while he was in high school, was a stand
up comic in New York, and has contributed to the net humor zines Schmuck.com,
Campaign Central, and the legendary American Jerk. He's on medication
now so he's probably a little nicer now than he was when you met him earlier.
Email - firstname.lastname@example.org