Johnny's Worst Movies of All Time
By Johnny Apocalypse
Whenever a group of people get an online magazine up, it's inevitable that they'll throw together a list of the best movies of all time. Why? Because movies are generally pretty easy to write about. After they knock that article out, they feel the need to toss up a companion piece about the worst movies of all time.
During my years of web browsing, I've read quite a few of these "worst movies" lists, and they never cover any of the movies that I really hate. Maybe one or two (like "Romy and Michelle's High School Reunion", that made someone's list), but generally they all seem to stick with a lot of the same flicks. "Plan 9 From Outer Space" is common, and so is "Manos: The Hands of Fate" (I still need to see that one some day).
So, since movies are generally pretty easy to write about, I decided to cobble together my own list of awful movies. Now a few years back I wrote about movies I hate that everyone loves, so instead of repeating myself I'm picking movies that don't necessarily have huge cult followings or were big blockbuster hits. They're just movies that are out there that I made the mistake of watching. And I've never seen any of these on anyone else's list.
"But Keira Knightley's in it!" someone shouts.
"So. she's hot!"
Again, so what? If I want to stare at Keira Knightley, I'll pull her picture up on the internet. I swear, I'm the only guy on the planet who won't watch a movie just because a pretty girl is in it. I watch movies for entertainment (shoot-outs and explosions), not for jerk-off material. If the movie sucks, no amount of pretty and/or naked women will make it worth seeing. "Eyes Wide Shut" was full of naked women, but the movie itself was beyond awful.
So avoid "Atonement" (and "Eyes Wide Shut").
All of the actors do good enough work, but the characters aren't really who they were in the game. The story line has been mangled (presumably to accommodate the "less action" idea), and things drag along at moments. Not worth the rental price, I assure you.
Murder Set Pieces
And the crowning moment? Two preteen girls complaining about their parents' lack of a sex life. Seriously? Who the hell decided to write that into the script? I could take a crap on a piece of paper and make a better movie out of it.
The movie drags on for what seems like six hours. Little dialogue, minimal action, and lots of attempts at building a tone that really goes nowhere. The only thing that really keeps things going is George Clooney's mysterious character, since you don't know what the hell his actual job is for a while, but even that couldn't save things.
That's all the terrible movies I feel like writing about for now. I was tempted to include "Borat" on here, but last time I complained about that movie, Editor Forbis threatened to kill me! Lousy editor, trying to quell my opinions.
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