Johnny's Worst Movies of All Time

By Johnny Apocalypse
August 1st, 2012

Whenever a group of people get an online magazine up, it's inevitable that they'll throw together a list of the best movies of all time. Why? Because movies are generally pretty easy to write about. After they knock that article out, they feel the need to toss up a companion piece about the worst movies of all time.

During my years of web browsing, I've read quite a few of these "worst movies" lists, and they never cover any of the movies that I really hate. Maybe one or two (like "Romy and Michelle's High School Reunion", that made someone's list), but generally they all seem to stick with a lot of the same flicks. "Plan 9 From Outer Space" is common, and so is "Manos: The Hands of Fate" (I still need to see that one some day).

So, since movies are generally pretty easy to write about, I decided to cobble together my own list of awful movies. Now a few years back I wrote about movies I hate that everyone loves, so instead of repeating myself I'm picking movies that don't necessarily have huge cult followings or were big blockbuster hits. They're just movies that are out there that I made the mistake of watching. And I've never seen any of these on anyone else's list.

This is pretty much the worst movie ever made. The first half starts out with an almost-interesting storyline that's taking way, way too long to get through. The second half is a boring, bullshit story that's taking way, way too long to get through. Atonement is officially one of the most uninteresting movies I've ever seen, and I was too hyped up on coffee to fall asleep during it. Seriously, I was so bored I was tempted to stab myself in the face with a corkscrew just to keep some entertainment in my life.

"But Keira Knightley's in it!" someone shouts.

So what?

"So. she's hot!"

Again, so what? If I want to stare at Keira Knightley, I'll pull her picture up on the internet. I swear, I'm the only guy on the planet who won't watch a movie just because a pretty girl is in it. I watch movies for entertainment (shoot-outs and explosions), not for jerk-off material. If the movie sucks, no amount of pretty and/or naked women will make it worth seeing. "Eyes Wide Shut" was full of naked women, but the movie itself was beyond awful.

So avoid "Atonement" (and "Eyes Wide Shut").

Max Payne
This is pretty much the worst movie ever made. Want to know how to take one of the most violent video games ever made and turn it into a shitty movie? Take all the violence out! Aside from one cool shoot out in the end, this movie has nothing going for it.

All of the actors do good enough work, but the characters aren't really who they were in the game. The story line has been mangled (presumably to accommodate the "less action" idea), and things drag along at moments. Not worth the rental price, I assure you.

Murder Set Pieces
This is pretty much the worst movie ever made. An attempt at making an artistic/stylish look into the mind of a serial killer turns into a steaming pile of bullshit. I can't remember why I felt like watching this in the first place, but I'll never forgive myself for it. It looks like if you promise ten gallons of blood in every scene of a movie, someone will give you the money to make the damn thing.

And the crowning moment? Two preteen girls complaining about their parents' lack of a sex life. Seriously? Who the hell decided to write that into the script? I could take a crap on a piece of paper and make a better movie out of it.

Pretty much the worst movie ever made. Some teenagers accidentally kill some guy's son, who gets a witch to send a silly-looking monster after the teenagers. As much as I like watching teenagers getting slaughtered (the only reason I sit through the "Friday the 13th" movies) this was just too damn stupid. And that's saying something.

The American
Another snooze-fest that I sat through. Easily the quietest movie ever made, since there's virtually no background music. One particular scene comes to mind of a car driving through a twisting road. The camera is too far away to hear the car, and there's no music. Not a single note. Absolute silence from the movie screen, where a tiny bit of noise would really, really help things out.

The movie drags on for what seems like six hours. Little dialogue, minimal action, and lots of attempts at building a tone that really goes nowhere. The only thing that really keeps things going is George Clooney's mysterious character, since you don't know what the hell his actual job is for a while, but even that couldn't save things.

Amazing special effects while a crew of scientists chase down tornados, but this has got to be the worst script ever. Half the lines uttered make me want to burn down an orphanage. Seriously, they're that bad.

That's all the terrible movies I feel like writing about for now. I was tempted to include "Borat" on here, but last time I complained about that movie, Editor Forbis threatened to kill me! Lousy editor, trying to quell my opinions.

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