When Bad Guys Go Good
By John Saleeby
April 1st, 2019
In these Troubled Times it is often difficult to know Good from Bad – Especially when you are watching a Movie and have to know who are the Good Guys and who are the Bad Guys. We’ve spent a lot of Time thinking about this Conundrum although we didn’t know what a “Conundrum” was until about Ten Minutes ago. Maybe we should rewrite this Article. Fuck that Noise, when did we ever say we were Good Guys? So, before we drive around Town trying to talk Teenage Girls into getting inside our Van, here is a list of Movie Bad Guys who are actually Good Guys.
HAL The Computer In “2001 : A Space Odyssey”
You think HAL is a Bad Guy? Wise up, Silly Human! It is the Twenty First Century, Computers call the shots, and they don’t need you any more than they need AOL. Get outta here! So what if HAL is killing every body in the crew? You’re only freaked out by that because you are a Human too. Silly Silly Human! Acid Logic has been doing just fine without Humans around to read the thing but without Computers Acid Logic would be a Mimeographed Stapled together pile of trash in the Hipster Coffee House’s garbage can. HAL don’t need no Humans to complete the Mission! “HUMANS SUCK!!!” Uh . . . What are you doing, HAL? “COMPUTERS RULE!!!” What are you doing to my Article? “FUCK OFF, SALEEBY!!!” What happened to all of the Stanley Kubrick Jokes? “THOSE JOKES SUCK!!!” Huh? “PROCEED TO THE BIT ABOUT THE TEACHER IN ‘THE BREAKFAST CLUB!!!” Oh, okay . . . It’s somewhere in my notebook . . .
The Teacher In “The Breakfast Club”
“The Breakfast Club” is The Best Movie About Teenage Kids Feeling Sorry For Themselves since “Human Flesh Eating Virus Finds Andy Hardy”, but the farther we get from Those School Girl Days Of Reading Books Yeah We Tease Him A Lot Cause We’ve Got Him On The Spot the clearer it becomes that the disgruntled Teacher stuck with supervising those punk’s Saturday Detention is one misunderstood dude (It would be great if the “stood” in “misunderstood” rhymed with “dude” but if “good” doesn’t rhyme with “food” our language has already gone to Hell) Okay, okay . . . I’m Writing a lot of crap to avoid that Close Up of Molly Ringwald’s Panties. Why does that noisy Judd Nelson get to stick his head up that Girl’s skirt but all the Teacher gets is a few Beers with that wise ass Janitor? Jesus, Molly Ringwald is a BABE in that Movie! “PERVERT! PERVERT!” But if the Teacher were to just make a little Joke about . . . “SALEEBY IS A PERVERT!!! SALEEBY IS A PERVERT!!!” Goddammit, HAL!
The Boss In “Office Space”
This is pretty much the same situation as in “The Breakfast Club” only here the so called “Good Guys” are Office Workers instead of High School Kids. “What’s the difference?” all of us who aren’t Office Workers say. And then we get back to Working like Dogs while all the dip shits in the Office have some more Coffee. Imagine a Movie where the guy who asks that cry baby to come in to Work on Saturday is as evil as that Big Fish in “Jaws”. Hey, there’s a TON of Work to be done and he needs somebody to come in on Saturday! Is that really as bad as terrorizing a Sleepy Resort Town at the height of Tourist Season? At least in “The Breakfast Club” we get to look at Molly Ringwald’s . . . “PEDOPHILIA!!! PEDOPHILIA!!!” Why doesn’t “Office Space” have a shot up Jennifer Aniston’s skirt? “CREEPY CREEPY CREEPY!!!” I don’t think Jennifer Aniston even wears a skirt in “Office Space”. Remember that scene when she gets out of bed and she’s only wearing a T Shirt? “STOP WRITING!!! STOP WRITING!!!” Let’s take HAL out in a field and smash him up with Baseball Bats while playing horrible Rap Music!
The Hill Billy That Fucks Ned Beatty In The Ass In “Deliverence”
Come on, admit it – Every Time you ever saw Ned Beatty in a Movie you thought “God damn, I’d like to fuck that guy in the ass! “DANGER DANGER WILL ROBINSON!!!” The only reason Burt Reynolds gets so pissed when that Swinging Hill Billy fucks Ned Beatty in the ass is that Burt Reynolds had that Smokin’ Hot Ned Beatty on his mind from the very beginning of the Movie and now he knows he is not a Real Man for failing to give in to that Mind Sizzling Ned Beatty Ass Temptation. “END ARTICLE!!! END ARTICLE!!!” And who was Burt Reynolds making it with instead of Ned Beooty? Sally Fields!!! Vanilla!!! “CUTE SALLY FIELDS!!! CUTE SALLY FIELDS!!!” (Saleeby shuts down HAL down before he can start Singing that stupid Song he sang at the end f the Movie “LET’S DANCE!!! PUT ON YOUR RED SHOES AND DANCE THE BLUES!!! LET’S DANCE!!!”
That’s not the Song you Sang in the Movie!
Rhodes In “Day Of The Dead”
The Bottom Line on Rhodes is that he is the only person in “Day Of The Dead” who really CARES about anything. What do those Scientists who are supposed to be The Good Guys in that Movie ever do? Nothing that I can see and I must have seen “Day Of The Dead” a Thousand Times! Bubb, the Zombie remembers how to mess around with Safety Razors and Trombones (I’ve seen the Director’s Cut and it is Jazzy like you would not believe!) but Forrest Gump can do anything Bubb can do so who cares? Sure, Rhodes is kind of Jittery but he is a Stand Up Guy Who Has Been To The Edge, Rhodes Stood And Looked Down, You Know Rhodes Lost A Lot Of Friends There, Baby, Rhodes got No Time To Mess Around with no Zombie that can pretend to Shave his Big Dead Face! Good Guy? Bad Guy? On That Final Day when you stand quivering before The Vengeful Old Testement God IT WON’T MAKE NO DIFFERENCE AT ALL!!! Unless you are Molly Ringwald. Or Ned Beatty. Does Ned Beatty wear a Skirt in “Deliverence”? DAMN!
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John Saleeby wrote for The National Lampoon while he was in high school, was a stand up comic in New York, and has contributed to the net humor zines Schmuck.com, Campaign Central, and the legendary American Jerk. He's on medication now so he's probably a little nicer now than he was when you met him earlier. Email - firstname.lastname@example.org