Western Civilization: What’s In It For Me?

The Zenith of Western Civilization!

Yeah Yeah Yeah, buncha Muslims shot all these Cartoonists in Paris - I got my own problems, man! My goddam car broke down Ten Miles outside of Monroe, Louisiana and I spent a half Hour in the freezin’ rain trying to get a ride into Town. By the Time I got the damn thing towed into Monroe I was sick as a dog. Spent the whole Week End dying of Pneumonia while they figured out the car needed a whole new engine and then I had to rent a car so I could make it back to Work all Week . . . I GOT PROBLEMS! So, yeah, I’m really BUMMED OUT about those Terrorists killing all those French guys but, if nobody’s gonna be doing anything to fuck up all the other Terrorists and get all this “Terror War” “Jihad” thing settled for good - I DON’T CARE! I got a broken down car all the way over in Friggin’ Monroe that I gotta worry about, I don’t have Time to worry about all this stuff about how Cartoonists are Such A Great Bunch Of Guys and We All Gotta Stand Up For Free Speech and Je Suis Charlie Hebdo - Charlie Hebdo can BLOW ME! If I don’t make it to Work cause my car is in ten million pieces scattered all over some Garage in Monroe is Charlie Hebdo gonna help me out? Is there gonna be a Cartoon in Charlie Hebdo next Month all about John Saleeby standing in the rain on the side of Interstate 20 trying to get a ride into goddam Monroe while ten million bastards drive right past to leave me to DIE? No, nobody gives a Rat’s Ass about some stupid jerk freezing on the side of the road anymore than they give a Rat’s Ass about Terrorists plotting to kill ten million bastards driving right past him. But if you ever want to see a Cartoon of a Rat’s Ass it sounds like Charlie Hebdo is the Magazine for you!! !

All that LOUD TALK about what a bunch of Great Heroes all the Cartoonists are, where are all the Cartoons about KILLING TERRORISTS? That could be some FUNNY FUNNY stuff! But NOOOOO, You Can’t Do That! That Would Be WRONG! We can’t draw Cartoons about Cold Blooded Killers, that would be INSENSITIVE! “But look at THIS! I’m drawing a Cartoon of John Boehner making goofy faces at the State Of The Union Address! Edgy Edgy stuff! His face is ORANGE! WHOA! GUTSY!”! !

I DON’T CARE! If you guys are cool with those assholes dragging the World back into the Dark Ages so am I. I was a Teenager in the Seventies. I saw KISS on the “Rock And Roll Over” Tour, Cheap Trick on the “Heaven Tonight” Tour, Ted Nugent on the “Cat Scratch Fever” Tour - I saw Civilization at it’s Zenith! It’s all been downhill from there, so if you’re really gonna let it all go to Hell, what do I care? Do you really think Fall Out Boy will ever come up with anything as Cool as Bachman Turner Overdrive? We’ve got another Presidential Election coming up, let’s just put a Muslim in charge. ANOTHER one, I mean. A Muslim who at least has the balls to admit to being a Muslim. Yeah. Hey, if the Muslims take over will cars be banned? I know cars will be banned if the Global Warming people take over but it’s pretty clear that the Muslims are going to take over one Hell of a lot sooner than those Global Warming douchebags ever will. You ever see a Video of an Environmentalist cutting a Hostage’s head off? Those wusses don’t even take Hostages! Isis will save me from having to spend all my money on a piece of shit used car a lot quicker than Al Gore will. A little Sharia Law could be just the thing for the scumbags stinking up the USA today. Oh, I can’t Write Crazy Comedy Bits any more? FINE WITH ME! That bullshit hasn’t caused me nothin’ but trouble. I’m not the one that’s gonna be in danger when the Terrorists do a Hit on the Acid Logic office. “Acid Logic office”! That’s a Good One! So what if they ban everything? If I see “Seinfeld” one more time I’m gonna kill myself!! !

I don’t care and neither do you, let’s all be Monkeys in the Zoo! I never get to do anything I want to do, why should anybody else? All my Life I’ve been Living in a Free Country and all I ever got to do was Work my ass off. How bad can it be under the Ayatollah? At least I’ll be able to take care of stuff without having to listen to morons yelling at each other about The Super Bowl. I DON’T CARE!! ! !

John Saleeby wrote for The National Lampoon while he was in high school, was a stand up comic in New York, and has contributed to the net humor zines Schmuck.com, Campaign Central, and the legendary American Jerk. He's on medication now so he's probably a little nicer now than he was when you met him earlier. Email - jacksaleeby1@hotmail.com