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No respite in sight! It's more of two Saleeby articles in one!

By John Saleeby
By John Saleeby

In our last edition Wil Forbis wrote a column wondering if rock and roll is really dead. And in this edition John Saleeby has written a column saying "Hell, yeah, that shit is deader than Steve Allen on Halloween." John's kinda cranky but he knows dead when he sees dead - He works in a hospital!

You know what finally turned kids off rock music? All that "Alternative" foolishness. "Alternative", huh, kids? Hot damn, records so far ahead of their time they sound just like 1977! Except for the more progressive ones which sound more like 1968. My old man makes more musical sounds sucking little pieces of chewed up food from in between his teeth. And poor ol' Kurt Cobain. I'll never forget when I first found out he was dead. It was about fifteen seconds before I first found out who he was.

By the way, kids, what do you call two "Alternative" quartets onstage at the same time? Give up? Sure you do. It's all you kids know how to do. But back to the joke, What do you call two "Alternative" quartets onstage at the same time?

Aw, cheer up. But what really got the runaway in the dungeon was when we decided that Neil Young was The Number One Cool Guy Of Rock And Roll. Neil Young! Sheesh, that guy was a little old man when I was a kid, how must he look to kids now that I'm a little old man? If they could bottle what that guy's got it would be one hell of a lot easier to get rid of. You know what I found out about Neil Young? All of those stupid guitar solos of his are in fact morse code telegraph messages to his road crew backstage. There's this one solo on one of his live albums where he's jammin' his big middle aged ass off for the crowd and at the same time he's tellin' his roadies "I want Ovaltine in my dressing room when I get back there! Last night I went back there after the show and there wasn't any Ovaltine! Ovaltine! Ovaltine! I want Ovaltine!"

As the protagonist of James Ellroy's "American Tabloid" says to Bobby Kennedy in his final scene - "God damn you for the trouble you've caused me."


Matt Stone and Trey Parker are in the office. Isaac Hayes walks in.
MATT: Isaac! Hi!
TREY: Hi, Isaac!
ISAAC: Shut up, you white faggots!
MATT: What?
ISAAC: I mean . . . uh . . . Good morning, Matt and Trey.
RET: Just wait until you find out what our latest episode of "South Park" is about! ISAAC: I don't give a wet shit what the latest episode is about!
MATT: What?
ISAAC: I mean . . . uh . . . I can never predict what you crazy comedy geniuses will come up with next!
TREY: Well, it starts with all the boys going to school-
ISAAC: Just like half the other fuckin' episodes start! Damn!
MATT: What?
ISAAC: Oh, ho ho ho! The boys are all going to school! Hooooweeee! You guys are craaaazy! Whoooo!
TREY: Wait, wait, we haven't gotten to the funny part yet!
ISAAC: You lame muthas haven't come within a hundred miles of the funny part for as long as you've been doing this dumb ass show!
MATT: What?
ISAAC: I mean . . . uh . . . Well, I think everybody's gotten the point of the routine by now.
TRENT: The routine?
ISAAC: You know, first I say something really insulting and when Matt says "What?" I make up some bullshit about how happy I am to still be working on that stupid cartoon show.
MATT: What?
ISAAC: Oh, kiss my fat black ass.  

John Saleeby wrote for The National Lampoon while he was in high school, was a stand up comic in New York, and has contributed to the net humor zines, Campaign Central, and the legendary American Jerk. He's on medication now so he's probably a little nicer now than he was when you met him earlier.
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