Reviewing Politicians

By Johnny Apocalypse

June 1st, 2009

Writers and journalists review pretty much everything under the sky. Movies, TV shows, books, CD's, theatre plays, even restaurants. Someday people will probably start reviewing the people they went to bed with last night (which is bound to lead to some pretty funny lawsuits). And I'm sure somewhere, there's a person who's reviewing politicians. But since I haven't seen this before, mostly because I don't read anything political, I'm going to review several of those serving this country, and see how their ideals and positions hold up under my unusual scrutiny.

First we come to Governor Philip Q. Bortram of Connecticut, Democrat who won in a landslide victory. Bortram won an easy victory over the Republican nominee, who was a registered sex offender and showed up to every debate with syringes stuck in his arms. Philip's two primary issues have been stricter gun control and higher funding for schools. While this may seem like reasonable positions to take, under even the slightest scrutiny it becomes quite apparent that this will never work.

Many of us have seen these super-brainy kids on daytime talk shows. Kids, who at the age of eight years old, are taking college classes, are better at math than a nuclear physicist and can actually understand what Coleridge's poem "Kubla Khan" means. If we increase the funding of our public schools, we get more super smart kids. Sure, children are our future, but if we get too many of these genius brats it can only lead to revolution: the eight year olds overthrow the adults, and then there's free candy for all. Sounds like Communism to me.

In order to stop this revolution, we're going to need guns. These kids will see a knife coming a million miles away, plot the trajectory of your swinging arm and bust out open heart surgery on you before the blade gets anywhere them. Bortram should have picked one of these positions and taken the opposite stance on the other, because this is a recipe for disaster.

Republican representative Joyce L. Merriweather seems an ideal politician to many--- educated at Harvard, fought police corruption in her home state of Texas and inspired dozens by overcoming her birth defects: being born with one leg, six fingers on the left hand and half a vagina. Upon entering congress she took her fight against corruption to the federal level, imprisoning several senators and a federal judge for taking bribes. Many have praised her efforts on this, but they're not taking one thing into account: she favors higher taxes on alcohol, and this combination will never work.

We Americans have gotten used to corrupt politicians, so much so that while we all complain about them, if Merriweather manages to get them all booted out of the government, we would be utterly lost. Suddenly we have an honest government who doesn't take bribes from lobbyists, never lies about anything, tells us the truth about Roswell and actually complete their campaign promises. And a government who doesn't lie leads to mass confusion (simply the concept of an honest government baffles many), and mass confusion will lead to mass drinking. So if Joyce gets the taxes on alcohol boosted, we're going to drink ourselves to the poorhouse pretty damn fast. Fight corruption, but vote to make booze cheaper.

Mayor Joseph P. Triston of Colorado Springs, Colorado , ran on an independent ticket and won the position by one vote. While the issues that won him the election was a tax reform for the city and a pledge to get better equipment for police officers, no one seemed to notice that he favored early earlier curfews for teenagers and decriminalizing marijuana, and, simply put, this will never work.

There's a reason teenagers are out and about at all hours of the night, and that's because their parents get so sick and tired of them that they have to throw them out of the house for a few hours of peace and quiet. If the teens are at home all night the parents will start to lose their minds, turning to weed in a vain effort to keep some shred of sanity while their punk kids are spouting rebellion and writing lousy poetry. And if television has taught me one thing, it's that parents who do drugs have kids who do drugs. Pretty soon we have a house full of people smoking weed, getting the munchies twenty-four seven, and they won't be able to send their kids out at night to stock up on cheetos and gummi bears. The only people who win are the marijuana cultivators.

Finally we come to Julio M. Fruitas, state legislator for Oregon. Mr. Fruitas is a religious man who supports prayer in school, denounces green technology as witchcraft and supports civil rights for grizzly bears (it is commonly believed that the entire state of Oregon voted for Julio as a joke). While I certainly empathize with the plight of grizzly bears, the combination of these positions will never work.

If we get all the children praying, sooner or later God is going to get tired of listening to them and answer their prayers--- candy raining from the skies (kids only care about candy). Next thing you know, we have tons of people getting fat from eating the sky-skittles and they can't get off their obese asses to go to work. That's when the grizzly bears start taking our jobs, and everyone knows that grizzly bears are miserly tightwads who will hoard their money, spending only what they need to with the squirrel merchants and keeping the rest for themselves (not even helping the owl-owned banks). The economy will be in a shambles since the bears won't spend money in our towns, and the squirrel merchants will start charging the humans outrageous prices to make up for the bears haggling their prices down (they have to give in, otherwise the bears eat them). It's a classic case of the poor getting poorer and the squirrels getting richer.

Then combined with Julio's stance against green technology, we have complete mayhem. The bears will start bitching about their forest homes being cut down (the lumberjack bears will certainly be lynched), and start leading lobbies to stop global warming. But since we can't put up windmills and solar cells, they figure that we humans are at fault, driving the gas cars when we could be riding the moose to work like they do. The bears begin eating us, starting with the SUV and pickup truck drivers, then branching out to the minivan and family-size sedan owners. The squirrel merchants will get pissed because the bears are eating the customers who actually pay the asking price and start a forest revolution. Soon we have dead bears everywhere, tons of bear shit that looks strangely like it used to be a squirrel merchant, and no one to do our jobs or sell us stuff because we can't stop eating the snickers falling from the clouds.

So zero out of four politicians have workable plans. Not the odds I was hoping for, but certainly not unexpected. Purging all the crooked politicians out of office and decriminalizing marijuana sound like great ideas to many, but as clearly evidenced here it's not all it's cracked up to be. And even though the revolt of the Mensa-children will bring hardship for all, there's always hope that we can at least feed them to the bears.


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