R.E.M. Versus The Replacements

By John Saleeby
August 1st, 2014

Aw, this will be EASY! R.E.M. Versus The Replacements? I can Write this in my sleep! I'll just drink some coffee and . . . Well, there goes Writing this in my sleep. I'll save that for Writing about Nastassja Kinski. Who? Oh, I'm sorry, I was young back in the Eighties. That's how I know so much about R.E.M. and The Replacements. And what I know is that THE REPLACEMENTS KICK R.E.M.'S ASS!!!

BEST SINGER:

I'm gonna be a Nice Guy and give this one to R.E.M. Like in the First Quarter of The Super Bowl when the Team everybody knows is gonna lose gets a Touch Down and everybody goes "Aw, let em have a lil' fun before they get KILLED! HAW HAW HAW!!!" Yeah, I'm talking about Football just to bug Michael Stipe. "I win the Best Singer category and you're talking about Sports!?" Sorry, Mike, I don't know enough about Art to come up with anything you would find amusing. Is Van Gogh cutting his ear off funny? How about Van Halen cutting his ear off? How about Van Halen cutting David Lee Roth's ear off? How about Van Halen cutting David Lee Roth's hair off? It's gonna fall out anyway! Oh, shit! I'm telling Hair Loss jokes to Michael Stipe!

WINNER : R.E.M.

BEST GUITAR

This kinda confuses me cause I can't think about the Guitars on The Replacements' records without remembering Bob Stinson wandering the Streets of Minneapolis bombed out of his skull, Slim Dunlop having a Stroke and wishing he could wander the Streets of Minneapolis bombed out or bombed back into his skull, and Paul Westerberg being such a dipshit he can't pull off The Replacement's reunion without that weasel from Green Day helping out. God, thinking about the Guitar Players in The Replacements is a BUMMER! R.E.M.'s Peter Buck ain't exactly C.C. DeVille but he's done more to promote The Beach Boys than even John Stamos and . . . OH SHIT! R.E.M. WINS ANOTHER ONE!!! Don't worry, The Replacements have got this thing sewn up! They've got an album coming out called "Don't Tell A Soul" and it is gonna be HUGE!

WINNER : R.E.M.

BEST BASS

Always the worst category in every Acid Logic "--- Versus ---" Rock Band competition. Is it possible for John Saleeby to Write Jokes about Bass Playing without stepping in the dreaded "Duff" Trap? Uh oh! What was that loud metallic snapping sound? OW! MY ANKLE! I have lost more feet that way! But who is the Best Bass Player - Tommy Stinson or Mike Mills? Tommy is a freakin' Rock God while Mike looks like The Little Funny Guy in a John Hughes High School Comedy. BUT has Mike Mills ever put out an Album supposedly Performed by his Bad Ass Punk Band but actually Performed by the dullards in Tom Petty And The Heartbreakers? No! If Mike Mills had an Older Brother in R.E.M. with a terrible drug problem would he . . . UH OH! MIKE MILLS HAS THE BALL, THE REPLACEMENTS ARE CRAWLING AROUND LOOKING FOR A BOTTLE OPENER, AND . . . Shit!

WINNER : R.E.M.

BEST DRUMS

I'm confused here so don't hold it against me if I just make a lot of silly jokes and jump into the Swimming Pool for a Big Finish. Today The Replacements' Chris Mars is an Internationally Respected Painter but R.E.M.'s Bill Berry is The Guy Who Had A BRAIN ANEURYSM Onstage In Iceland And Became A Mysterious Recluse! You would have to be David Bowie now that everybody knows he fucked Susan Sarandon back when Susan Sarandon was Susan Sarandon to be cooler than that! How's the Game going? Mike Mills just kicked Chris Mars' Tom Toms over the Goal Post and Tommy Stinson is eating the Cheerleader's Pom Poms with French Toast! Guess he learned that from Axl.

WINNER : R.E.M. A.G.A.I.N.!.

BEST SONG

What's The Replacements' Best Song? I'd pick one of the fast funny ones on "Sorry, Ma, Forgot To Take Out The Trash" but most Replacements' fans would probably prefer "Unsatisfied" or "Here Comes A Regular". Oh, Boo Hoo Hoo! Little Man can't get girls and has to work all day so now he's gonna drink beer and listen to The Replacements while he feels sorry for himself! Makes me want to puke! What's R.E.M.'s Best Song? Well, it sure ain't that thing about Andy Kaufman that goes on and on and on like Andy Kaufman reading "The Great Gatsby" from Beginning To End onstage at some College Gig, I'll tell you that! The Best R.E.M. Song is "The One I Love". That's what John Saleeby says, anyway. Are you Writing this Article? No, you're drinking beer and pouting like a fucking Springsteen fan while you listen to "Here Comes A Regular" or that damn "Sixteen Blue". Oh, God! Is this one going to R.E.M., too? I knew I shoulda did "Great White Versus The Replacements" instead! The Crowd is going nuts! Peter Buck is passed out in The End Zone! R.E.M. is sending in some guy from the DBs!

WINNER : R.E.M.

BEST ALBUM

"Pleased To Meet Me" is The Best Replacements Album. Tell most Replacements fans that and you too can experience the Living Hell that is being John Saleeby. Talk to Replacements fans about "Pleased To Meet Me" and they look at you like you're talking about some Jethro Tull Record. I talk to Replacements fans about some Jethro Tull Record whenever I am looking for an excuse to fuck somebody up. I'm like Charles Bronson in "Death Wish" only cuter and funnier. The last few R.E.M. albums are supposedly pretty bad but I was so turned off after the last few Replacements albums I stopped paying attention to Music in general. I don't even know what KC And The Sunshine Band is up to these days! So let's dig up some of those old R.E.M. records . . . Oh, here's the first one, "Murmur" . . . Let's put that on . . .

Two Weeks Later . . .

Oh, damn! I've been having such a Good Time listening to "Murmur" over and over again I forgot about Writing the article! What was it about again? KC And The Sunshine Band?

WINNER : R.E.M.

And The Big Winner Is . . . REM! I'm sorry, but those little dots were killing me!

I Love The Replacements but, let's face it - Those guys were stupid. The Replacements are mostly known for getting loaded and messing everything up. The strange thing is that REM was every bit as loaded as The Replacements and still managed to do everything Just Right. How is such a thing possible? REM was smart. Smart? What is this "Smart"? I don't know, I have had no experience with the phenomenon. I'm barely smart enough to spell "phenomenon" without having to take a day off from work. That must have been why I was always more of a Replacements fan than a REM fan. Stupid People find Smart People annoying. Them and their "Where have you been!?! You were supposed to be here FIFTEEN MINUTES AGO!!!" Hey, at least I was too smart to be a Metallica fan!

COMING SOON - "Metallica Versus That Guy In The Toyota Who Don't Know His Left Turn Signal Is On! Dumb Ass!"

John Saleeby wrote for The National Lampoon while he was in high school, was a stand up comic in New York, and has contributed to the net humor zines Schmuck.com, Campaign Central, and the legendary American Jerk. He's on medication now so he's probably a little nicer than he was when you met him earlier.
Email - jacksaleeby1@hotmail.com