Where are the Nic-Fits?

By Johnny Apocalypse

March 1, 2013

How many cigs can you smoke?This is just fucking weird. No other way to describe it. It defies all logic. Everything I thought I knew just went out the window. I have no idea what I'm doing with my life now. It's completely in shambles.

I quit smoking, and I suffered no withdrawals. None. A few on the last days I smoked (I cut back to three a day right before stopping), but after that, nothing. Nada. Just normal days.

I know I should be thankful, nicotine withdrawals are absolute hell. I knew a former heroin addict who thought that cigarettes were harder to quit than china white (although another former addict that I met disagreed). For those who've never experienced a nicotine withdrawal, imagine the most restless feeling you've ever had in your life, and multiply it. The restlessness courses through your whole body (for me it really focuses on my legs, not sure about anyone else), and on top of it all, you're moody as shit so your friends won't want to hang out with you.

Now someone may be thinking "well you're just one of the lucky individuals who don't get addicted to stuff very easily", but that's far from the truth. I get addicted to everything, and I mean that in the most literal sense. My list of former addictions includes but is not limited to: alcohol, cigarettes, cheetos (yes, seriously), the TV shows "24" and "The X-Files", video games, and sugary foods. My list of current addictions: coffee. I'm planning to let the coffee addiction persist until death.

So how the hell have I managed to avoid the withdrawals this time? I've thought it over carefully, and I have deduced that my body has learned to synthesize nicotine from sunlight. There's really no other explanation. I cut back heavily on my smoking, started feeling some pretty rough withdrawals the last few days and then nothing. The only thing that makes any sense is that my body freaked out and said "I need more nicotine! what the hell am I going to do?" and completely defied all logic by creating a new, unholy biological process that takes sunlight, makes nicotine out of it, and stores it in fat cells for steady release throughout the day.

Sadly when I presented this theory at a medical symposium, the only response I got was a kick to the balls. By everyone at the symposium. One by one.

And while my severely swollen testicles did contribute to having a few minor withdrawals (and impressed a few ladies who let their eyes stray), I still managed to keep off the cigarettes.

And now the difficult part, staying off of them for life. Or at least much longer than I have in the past. Previously when I've quit smoking, I've stayed away for a year or two before going back. What's really odd is that in the past, it's always been a well thought out decision to start smoking. Well, maybe you couldn't say "well" thought out, but it was always thought out.

"Maybe it's time to start smoking again. I do enjoy it, and I'm going to die anyway. Cancer treatment is getting better all the time too."

And part of the above thought process is why I've kept going back- I enjoyed it. The taste, the smell, the feeling of that first drag hitting your lungs. But this time, staying away might be easier, because I really wasn't enjoying it nearly so much. The taste wasn't nearly so tasty, and they were really leaving me with a horrendous aftertaste. And my lungs seemed to be getting pretty upset with all the smoking, so the tobacco clogging up my airways wasn't what it used to be. All I was really left with was the smell, but why keep spending so much money for just a smell?

Regardless of the reasons why I quit, I still don't understand the lack of withdrawals. Someone mentioned that I was just psychologically ready to quit, but could that really overcome the physical addictions of nicotine? I know that nicotine has physically addictive properties, not just psychological ones. Like the dopamine burst it gives you- that's why smoking seems relaxing when nicotine is actually a stimulant.

And perhaps it is just my mindset that killed the withdrawals. But to be honest I was hoping that I would have some nasty ones this go around. I figured that if I survived some really bad withdrawals I could use the experience to keep off cigarettes.

"You remember how bad it was to quit last time, right?" I'll tell myself, "and if you go back to smoking, you'll have to go through all of that again someday. Might be best to avoid it."

But can't really use that argument now, can I?

So who knows, maybe this time I'll kick it for life, maybe not. But even if I do start smoking again it could always be worse. At least I'm not chasing the dragon, right?

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