Two Options Aren't Enough

By Johnny Apocalypse
Bschin2188@aol.com

Did you ever wake up, and your first thought was that two political parties just isn't enough? Probably not. Your first thoughts upon waking are more likely centered around not wanting to go to work, wanting another ten minutes of sleep, something like that.

But perhaps that thought has hit you at another time. You're standing in the supermarket, staring at the various items on the shelves, and you burst out screaming "I HAVE TWENTY BRANDS OF KETCHUP IN FRONT OF ME BUT ONLY TWO POLITICAL PARTIES?" Sadly, I know from personal experience that screaming this in the supermarket will get you a short trip to the asylum and placed on several government watch lists.

Whether or not you've had the actual thought, this inevitably leads to the same general responses. "We have third-party options, but they're never going to win," or "Why not vote Green Party?" But this isn't the sort of response I'm looking for. I don't want the Green, Reform or Libertarian parties sucking up the limelight. I want some new political parties, ones that will at least garner interest. I want fringe political parties. Not fringe of the left wing or the right wing, fringe as in "holy fuck, who would vote for this crazy shit?".

And the best part of these new parties? It doesn't matter if they win or not. They simply come in, shake things up, and actually make the world of politics interesting for once (anyone who reads my stuff knows that I'm bored to death by politics).

Author's note: Johnny Apocalypse does not inherently advocate these political parties. But he doesn't necessarily decry them either.

The Ninjacrat Party-

You want change in politics? Elect someone who will put ninjas everywhere! That's the premise behind the Ninjacrat party. People who want to replace the police forces and federal law enforcement groups and court systems with ninjas. Lots and lots of ninjas.

The best part of this party's policy is that it will have a dramatic reduction on crime. Firstly, because ninjas punish everything with death. First degree murder? Beheading! Kidnapping? Beheading! Speeding ticket? Beheading! Although the ninjas will have mercy if you commit seppuku for your crimes.

But the second reason this will have an effect on crime is because ninjas are sneaky. Any criminal can see a cop car coming from a mile away. But if you think you're going to rape someone in the privacy and comfort of your local park, there could be a ninja in the bush, in the tree, anywhere. Going to beat your kids? There could be a ninja in the hall closet. Taking a gun to work, planning a killing spree? There's a ninja hiding behind the water cooler. And there's no need for search warrants, because the government-sanctioned ninjas could already be in your house.

The Pro-Cannibalism Party-

We have interest and advocacy groups for just about anything these days. Animal rights, pro and anti abortion, gun ownership, blah blah blah. Hell, there's even some advocacy groups for pedophiles. Why not a political party who endorses the cooking and consumption of your fellow man?

"But Johnny," you say, "You can't legalize the killing of people for food!" Firstly, I didn't say anything about murder, I said cannibalism. There's no reason for murder when thousands of people die daily from natural causes, car crashes, suicide and the like. And second, I'll legalize anything I damn well want to.

Since the majority of people are disgusted by the mere thought of cannibalism, it's highly doubtful that anyone from this party will ever be elected. But who cares? It's the situation alone, someone trying to become President on a pro-cannibalism ticket, that makes the idea worthwhile. I want American politics to be entertaining, dammit, and this would be worth watching on C-SPAN.

The Vampire Party-

There's no real reasoning behind this one, I just think a President who thinks he's a vampire would be pretty funny.

And finally, we come to The Darwinist Party. This group advocated the use of "survival of the fittest" to its fullest extent. Based upon the idea of trying to get the strongest society possible, they see fit to allow the best fighters and best marksmen to rise up and eradicate those weaker then them. In the hopes of getting an intelligent society as well, they advocate that the strong kill sparingly, and keep in mind that a brainy doctor or physicist can be of great benefit to them.