My Name is Mud

When it came to Rock And Roll nobody - NOBODY! - was Cooler than John Saleeby. Oh, The Beatles on “The Ed Sullivan Show”? SQUARESVILLE!!! I fell in Love with Rock And Roll when I saw The New York Dolls on “The Midnight Special”! And, mind you, I saw The Beatles on “The Ed Sullivan Show”. The whole World was freaking out over those Mop Top Mooks but Three Year Old John Saleeby had his reservations “Eh, pretty good. Let’s wait a few years, see what AMERICANS can do with this stuff. Some Americans from NEW YORK. Some Americans from New York on HARD DRUGS. Some Americans from New York on Hard Drugs who dress up like TIMES SQUARE HOOKERS. Some . . . Hey, Dad, shut the fuck up! Some Americans from New York on Hard Drugs who dress up like Time Square Hookers on a TV Show that comes on late at Night so we can dig em without having to listen to our Parents bitch about em! Yeah!” To Hell with Lester Bangs - John Saleeby was Mister Rock And Roll. 

Until One Awful Day when I was inspecting some guy’s Record Collection for Fleetwood Mac related offenses . . . “Black Sabbath? Okay . . . The Dead Boys? Okay . . . Mudhoney? Okay . . .  The Melvins . . . The Melvins? THE MELVINS??? OH MY GOD!!! I FORGOT TO LISTEN TO THE MELVINS!!! and The Ghost of Lemmy appeared to confiscate my Motorhood Hoodie. 

The Melvins have been making Records for a Solid Quarter Century and I never bothered to listen to em until May 2017? I am no different from some Knucklehead in a Sports Bar snorting “A Band called Death Cab For Cutie!?! WHAT!?! DEATH CAB FOR CUTIE!?! Oh, yeah! I bet they really ROCK!!!! HAW HAW HAW!!!” I might as well have been a Kid Rock Fan all this Time. That would explain a lot. Let me check my Collection for any Kid Rock CDs. “CD”s? Yeah, Kids - CDs. What are you laughing at? (Saleeby gets in Chevy Van with Conan The Barbarian arm wrestling with David Lee Roth painted on the side, puts a Foghat CD in the Stereo, and pulls out of a Handicapped Parking Spot blasting “Slow Ride”)

So I finally got a load of The Melvins and it was FANTASTIC. The Music was Great but all I heard when I tried to listen to the Lyrics was “Boy, are you an ASSHOLE!!! You spent all that Time listening to the same Aerosmith Records over and over again when you could have been listening to THIS!!! You are such a JERK!!! SCREW YOU, JOHN SALEEBY!!!” I felt so stupid that when I tried to push the “PLAY” Button on the CD Player to listen to em again I pushed the “KICK” Button on a Kangaroo and get my Head kicked off. The Main Guy in The Melvins is Buzzo Osbourne and he is so good that when he plays a Guitar Solo the World Turns Upside Down and Buzzo leads everybody to safety like Gene Hackman in “The Poseidon Adventure”. Buzzo Kicks Ass!!! If Buzzo had gotten into Comedy instead of Music Adam Sandler and Will Ferrell would be down here fighting stray cats over dead squirrels with me and Pauly Shore. I think Buzzo is so Cool I’m not going to make any Jokes about his HAIR! “Oh, well, fine - I’ll just cut it all off then!” “Can I make a funny Comedy Wig out of it?” “SHUT UP, PAULIE SHORE!”

So, yeah , The Melvins - Along with Mister Bungle, Primus . . . Primus? PRIMUS??? AW, SHIT - I FORGOT TO LISTEN TO PRIMUS!!!! 

The Ghost of Lemmy appears to sell Saleeby a Primus Hoodie.

But, HEY - I bought a Primus CD back in the early Nineties when I was unemployed, a failure at Stand Up Comedy, my Girlfriend had dumped me, and I wound up living in the Shed behind my Parent’s House. It had a brown cover, a Song called “My Name Is Mud”, and I can’t think about it without remembering when I was unemployed, a failure at Stand Up Comedy,  and my Girlfriend had dumped me so if you ask me I’ve got a pretty good excuse for not wanting to listen to Primus any time in the past Twenty Goddam Years. Every time I see Primus mentioned in a Magazine I hear the same warning voice in my head that Republicans hear every time  they see Bob Dole mentioned in a Magazine. Sorry about that. Thought I’d try some of that “Political Satire” that’s so big with the assholes these days. Boy, did that feel stupid!

Anyway, Primus is run by a guy named Les Claypool . . . Les Claypool? The guy who made that “Electric Apricot” Comedy Movie? I may not listen to Primus but I’ve watched “Electric Apricot”a Billion Zillion Times! Les Claypool is HILARIOUS! Hey, if the guy from Primus has a really funny Comedy Movie that he Directed and Starred in maybe Buzzo from the Melvins has one, too. Like “Buzzo Goes To Med School”, that would be hysterical! Buzzo goes to Anatomy Class, sees the Cadaver lying on the Table, and goes “Hey, that guy was a BASS PLAYER! Look at his Finger Tips! Bass Player Finger Tips!” No one in the Field of Medicine was aware of such a condition as “Bass Player Fingertips” until Buzzo went to Med School. Bass Player Fingertips becomes known as The Buzzos “Break it to me, Doc.” “Bad News, Duff. You’ve got . . . The Buzzos” “Can I be in the ‘Buzzo Goes To Med School’ Movie?” “SHUT THE FUCK UP, PAULIE SHORE!!!”

So I tried listening to Primus and now every time I look in the Mirror I see your Grandfather getting his diaper changed in the Nursing Home. I look at my CD Collection full of Ramones, Cheap Trick, and Iggy Pop and I see a pile of dusty old Bing Crosby Records on top of a Nazi War Criminal hiding out from the Israelis. My ZZ Top poster is now a Hand Bill for “Ziegfield Follies Of 1924”. In other words, Primus is AWESOME!

Eh, SO WHAT if I’m not Hip to The Melvins and Primus and whatever bullshit you Punks are into? I’ve been into THE DARKNESS forever, man! Are you into The Darkness, Mister “Buzzo Is My Main Man”? Do you have all of The Darkness Albums, Mister “I Went To High School With Les Claypool”? Do you have a Darkness Tattoo? Well, No, neither do I. Cause I’ve got a MELVINS Tattoo!!! BAM!!! WHAM!!! ALLAKAZAM!!! Totally set you up for that one! The Hunter has become The Hunted! Well, I don’t have a COMPLETE Melvins Tattoo. I’ve got an “M” Tattoo. I started to get a Melvins Tattoo but, shit, getting a Tattoo hurts so much I decided to take a break after the first letter. What did you just say? Too bad I didn’t take a break after Writing the first letter of this article?  Why is everybody such an ASSHOLE these days? Shit!

(Saleeby gets into a Chevy Van with Red Sonya Mud Wrestling with Mary Ann from “Gilligan’s Island” painted in the side, puts a Jethro Tull CD in the Stereo, and crashes into a Police Car blasting “Bungle In The Jungle.”)

John Saleeby wrote for The National Lampoon while he was in high school, was a stand up comic in New York, and has contributed to the net humor zines Schmuck.com, Campaign Central, and the legendary American Jerk. He's on medication now so he's probably a little nicer now than he was when you met him earlier. Email - jacksaleeby1@hotmail.com