Living in a Musical

By Johnny Apocalypse
December 1st, 2012

Imagine that a person enters a room and starts singing. Before they can finish the first line everyone else gets up and starts dancing and singing along. Is this too much to ask?

By now, you're thinking "Johnny Apocalypse must be gay." I can assure you, I'm not gay. I just think that would be fun.

I'm not really into musicals. "Grease" is pretty decent, and anyone who doesn't like "Tommy" is either a punk teenager or a loser. "The Music Man" is okay too, mostly because of the "Marian the Librarian" song. But beyond that, most musicals out there are pretty awful.

And maybe I'm being a little harsh on those who don't like the film version of "Tommy", that scene with the baked beans coming out of the television was pretty damn ridiculous. But besides that, "Tommy" is awesome.

Regardless of how little I actually care for musicals, I still think it would be fun to live in a musical. At least for a day, it might get pretty old after a while, especially since I suck at writing lyrics. Walk into the room, toss a hand in the air and start bellowing "I hate that crazy bitch like I hate drunken giraffes!" Instead of dancing, everyone in the room just stares at me.

Seriously, I may be one of the worst song writers in history. Back in high school I did a jam band with some stoners (I was the only guy not stoned), and none of us could write a song to save our lives. One guy wrote an almost-decent song called "Backdoor", which was really just a giant allusion to anal sex. Probably would have gotten us protested by the religious types. My best effort was based upon Dr. Seuss's story about the pale green pants with no one inside them. The less said about that, the better.

So instead, we just did covers of all sorts of songs. This was problematic, though, because the stoners were under the impression that music had reached perfection with the metal band Godsmack, whereas I'm more of a 1970's rock guy. You ever hear guys trying to make Cream's song "Badge" sound like Godsmack? It doesn't work. In fact, it downright sucks. And we knew it. So we never tried to book any gigs, just got together and played shitty covers. But since they were a bunch of damn stoners, they felt the need to name our band. Want to know what we were called? Flux Flashback and the Snack Pack. Never, ever, let stoners name your band. You'll end up with something god awful like Flux Flashback and the Snack Pack.

Anyway, living in a musical. Yeah, I'd like to pull that off, just once. Almost happened one time, I stepped into the kitchen and started singing "Good Day Sunshine" by The Beatles. No one was home but me and the dog, and the dog immediately jumped up and walked over to me. That's close to dancing for a dog, right?

"Jesus Christ, this guy actually tries breaking into a song one day? He really is gay!"

No, I'm not gay. Really. I have several gay friends, and have nothing against the homosexual crowds, but I'm straight. Seriously.

Maybe I'm approaching this musical thing all wrong, though. I keep thinking that I should be the one who kicks things off. The guy who rolls into the room and starts the song. Maybe I should stick to the background. Just do the dancing and some back up singing, let someone else have the spotlight.

"I swear to God, this guy is as gay as they come."

I'm not gay, man. Really, I'm not! In fact, I can prove it. If I was gay, I wouldn't be sitting here, writing this article. I'd be too busy stalking Chris Isaak.

"So. you know who you would be stalking if you were gay?"

Well yeah. Isn't that common for most guys?

"Umm, no. No, it's not. Since you're 'straight', what female are you stalking?"

I'm not stalking anyone. I'm too mentally balanced for that.

"But if you were gay, you'd be stalking Chris Isaak? No 'gay and crazy', just gay? So if you were crazy, what woman would you stalk?"

You know, I've never actually thought about that before.

"Figures."

Oh. oh shit.

"Yeah."

I'm not gay! Sodomizing that dude in prison was just to get status! Otherwise I would have ended up being someone's bitch!

"Why didn't you just kill him? You'd get status that way too."

What? Killing the guy didn't even occur to me! Oh, shit.

"Exactly."

Fuck you, man! I'm not gay! I'm. I'm not. I. I.

Breaking News

Humorist Johnny Apocalypse was found collapsed in his home last night, twitching uncontrollably and humming the score of "South Pacific". His condition is expected to improve, although many are now questioning his sexuality.

Author's Note
I'm not gay.