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The Dead Boys first got together in Cleveland but there weren’t any places for a Punk Band to Play in Ohio so they packed up their Black Leather Jackets and Silly T-Shirts (Can’t have Punk Rock without Silly-T Shirts!) and went to New York. That’s what Joey Ramone told em to do. That’s what Joey Ramone did to amuse himself every time he went on the Road with The Ramones - Find the most Horrible Kids in whatever Piece Of Shit Town he happened to be Playing in and tell em to go to New York. Joey was an Undercover Government Agent assigned to locating all the Dirty Punk Rock Malcontents of the Decent Clean American Cities they were Terrorizing and getting them to migrate to Filthy Stinking New York where they belonged. Steve Martin, meanwhile, was Traveling across the US brainwashing the Wise Ass Comedy Assholes into going to LA. So The Dead Boys went to New York and quickly became regular performers at CBGBs “Are The Ramones Playing tonight?” “No, The Dead Boys are Playing.” “Is Blondie Playing tonight?” “No, The Dead Boys are Playing.” “Are Talking Heads Playing tonight?” “No, The Dead Boys are Playing.” “Is Television Playing Tonight?” “Well, the UHF Antenna is kinda . . . Oh, you mean the Band! Ha Ha! No, The Dead Boys are Playing.” “Is Iggy or David Johanson sitting around Drinking to guarantee the presence of slutty girls and guys with Drugs?” “Uh . . . Yeah” “Oh, Okay. Let’s see The Dead Boys.” The Dead Boys were lead by Singer Stiv Bators and Guitarist Cheetah Chrome. It was not easy being a Dead Boy. Stiv died after getting hit by a Cab in Paris. But he didn’t die right away. First Stiv got up, brushed off his Black Leather Jacket and Silly T Shirt, had a Romantic Night in the City Of Lights with his Girlfriend, and when she woke up in the Morning Stiv was DEAD. That’s what happens when you get hit by a Cab in Paris - You get up, have The Night Of Your Dreams with a Beautiful Woman, and then you DIE! It’s PARIS! Losers who got no Woman are going over there cause they’re guaranteed The Night Of Their Dreams for just the Price of getting Hit by a stupid Cab! Middle Aged Virgins are throwing themselves in front of Cabs in Paris! IT’S A SURE THING! “That wasn’t a Cab, you imbecile! That was merely a Postal Delivery Vehicle! Ha Ha!” Is Blake Edwards still alive? This would be a great idea for a Blake Edwards Movie! Oh, Blake Edwards is Dead? Well, let’s do it with Wes Anderson, what the Hell . . . If Cheetah Chrome ever got hit by a Cab it would have made one Hell of a lot of Noise. People talk about The Greats Of Electric Guitar Amplification and mention Jimi Hendrix, Jeff Beck, Eddie Van Halen - WHY NO CHEETAH CHROME APPRECIATION OUTTA YOU MOTHERFUCKAS!?! Cheetah Chrome don’t give a SHIT! You think Cheetah Chrome would call himself “Cheetah Chrome” if he wanted your Rock And Roll Hall Of Fame Approval? It takes GUTS to be Cheetah. If Eddie Van Halen was going to be Cheetah Van Halen his stupid Brother would have to be Lancelot Van Halen. Like Lancelot Link. You know, Monkey Names. Hey, at least I threw out the Thirty Seven Pages of “Cleveland” Jokes I Wrote for this thing! “Young, Loud, And Snotty” is Punk Rock at it’s Best. For one thing - How ‘bout that Title? Maybe The Replacements equaled that with “Sorry, Ma, Forgot To Take Out The Trash” but anybody who was counting on The Dead Boys to keep it clean around here was in for “The Trash hasn’t been taken out in WEEKS!! IT SMELLS LIKE SHIT IN HERE!!!!” “And Cheetah is passed out in the Fridge!!!” “It’s nice and Cool in here!” “Get outta there, Cheetah! And dump out that Lettuce Crisper in the Bathroom!” “Ha Ha!” “Why didn’t Saleeby Write an article about Television?” “He only watches ‘The Walking Dead’ and ‘The Big Bang . . . Oh! You meant the Band! Ha!” The Dead Boys Recorded one other Album before they split up called “We Have Come For Your Children”. Unfortunately Foreigner got to the Children first and Punk never got anywhere. Unless Seattle counts as somewhere but The Dead Boys were too Crazy for that Grunge stuff “Hey! Why does Mudhoney get to be in ‘Black Sheep’? Make a Movie where Chris Farley gets hit by a Cab! We’ll play ‘Sonic Reducer’ while David Sade wears a Beret and goes ‘Sacre Bleu!’” Well, now that everybody has read this and is going to Amazon to order “Young, Loud, And Snotty” I can . . . Saleeby gets hit by a Cab. “Sacre Bleu!” NEXT MONTH - “Marquee Moon” By Televis . . . Nah. So, anyway, Ace and Peter were getting to be kind of a . . . John Saleeby wrote for The National Lampoon while he was in high school, was a stand up comic in New York, and has contributed to the net humor zines Schmuck.com, Campaign Central, and the legendary American Jerk. He's on medication now so he's probably a little nicer now than he was when you met him earlier. Email - jacksaleeby1@hotmail.com
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