Pick Up


By John Saleeby
June 1, 2019


Here is a Man to provide Inspiration next Time you get Married to a Gold Digging Blonde who is plotting to kill you and steal all of your Money – HUGO HAAS! Hugo Haas is too obscure to be an Acid Logic Interesting Motherfucker but is certainly qualified to be an Acid Logic Amusing Son Of A Bitch. So LET’S GET WITH IT! Hugo was a Czech (I call him a Czech because Czecklsobelushi is too hard to spell) Movie Actor, Writer, and Director who left Europe to escape from Hitler and the Nazi Gold Digging Blondes plotting to Marry, Kill him, and steal all of his Money. Unfortunately as an Actor, Writer, and Director Hugo wound up in the World Capital of the Gold Digging Blondes – Hollywood, California where he singlehandedly created an entirely Cinematic Genre based on Nice Guy Czechs who get Married to . . . If you haven’t caught on by now you should stop reading this to keep an eye on the evil bitch you’ve messed up and gotten Married to. Hugo Haas – What a NUT!

Of all the Hugo Haas Gold Digging Blonde Movies “Pick Up” is the Best. Probably because “Pick Up” is the only one that I’ve seen. Ha Ha, I’m trying to cheer you up now that you’ve caught on to how you are going to be Murdered by that Bleached Out Bimbo any moment now. I’ve seen another Hugo Movie “Hit And Run” which is nowhere as good as “Pick Up” although both of these Movies feature a Scene in which Hugo gets hit by a Car. Do all Hugo Movies have Our Hero getting hit by a Car as well as Getting Married to a Scheming Blonde who is probably driving the Car? Was Hugo ever hit by a Car in Real Life? At least he didn’t get killed! He could have taught James Dean a thing or two. Nah, there was no danger of James Dean getting Married to . . . Maybe this should have been a Jayne Mansfield Joke. Nah, Jayne Mansfield was too much of a Big Star to be in a Hugo Haas Movie. She didn’t need to Marry a slob like Hugo to get the Big Bucks. She already had the Big B . . . I’m sorry. Hey, did you just hear a Crash outside? So much for Jayne Mansfield! Hugo mops his head with a handkerchef, says “What a relief!” ,and gets hit with a Car. Hey, it’s Ernie Kovacs!

But I should stop clownin’ around and tell you that “Pick Up” is a Great Movie that you have got to see. It has a lot to offer aside from guys getting hit by Cars and a blunt Lesson on the Predatory Nature of the Female Women. For one thing, it has a Guy going suddenly Deaf (Weird electronic sounds as Hugo looks up into the sky looking frightened. I thought he was about to get attacked by a Space Ship – A Space Ship from the Planet of the Gold Digging Blondes!) is bullied by his Conniving Wife into claiming a Big Money Disability, and gets hit by a Car so he gets his Hearing back (Hugo gazes around happily as he is now in the Noisiest Town in Civilization – Barking dogs, honking cars horns, lawn mowers, leaf blowers, loud lava lamps, Acid Logic Readers arguing about if “Pick Up” really is a better Movie than “Hit And Run”, Motler Crue jammin’ on “Kick Start My Heart”, etc) But . . . Psychotic Missus Hugo will go Alice Kramden on him if he comes Home all “Guess what? I got my Hearing back! Who needs a Big Money . . . Why are looking at me like that?” So he goes to the Disabilty Office and pretends to be Deaf (“Motley Crue? I thought that was Quiet Riot!”) so most of the Movie is Hugo sitting around trying keep from doing an OJ act on the Blonde and her Stooge Boyfriend while they sit around Drinking and plotting to Murder him and steal all of his Money RIGHT IN FRONT OF HIM! Wow!

So that’s My Home Slice Hugo Haas for you! In his Final Days Ol’ Hugo returned to his Beloved Czeclelouisiana where for all I know he got hit by a Russian Tank and lost the Ear Ring he bought for some whore. So, before you forget about him and ditch the Blondes for a Life of Jungle Fever, Yellow Fever, and . . . Uh . . . Burrito Fever, watch “Pick Up” . . . Uh! It’s Vince Neil! LOOK OUT!


John Saleeby wrote for The National Lampoon while he was in high school, was a stand up comic in New York, and has contributed to the net humor zines Schmuck.com, Campaign Central, and the legendary American Jerk. He's on medication now so he's probably a little nicer now than he was when you met him earlier. Email - jacksaleeby1@hotmail.com

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