By John Saleeby
December 1st, 2004

The Man who said Bush would win the election, Springsteen would make an ass of himself, and "Joey" would be really great is back with another glimpse of Things To Come - Hopefully none of which have anything to do with that stupid Matt LeBlanc . . .

2005 - Someone at Maxim finally gets a girlfriend.

2005 - Just as an experiment, Iggy Pop tries on a shirt. "Say, I like these 'button' thingies! They're shiney! And this nice little 'pocket' to hold my ink pen! Why didn't someone tell me about these . . . My nipples! My nipples are bleeding!! MY NIPPLES ARE BLEEDING!!!"

2005 - Everybody finally figures out what it is they don't like about Cameron Diaz.

2006 - Halfway through production of "The Fifty Baddest Bad Boys Of Rock And Roll" the entire staff at VH-1 is overcome with shame and commits mass suicide.

2006 - That bicycle racing guy who had cancer finally comes to his senses and dumps that horrible Sheryl Crow bitch to go back to his wife and kids - "I can only hope that the American people will find it in their hearts to forgive me!"  And they do, of course, although millions of European fans are utterly disgusted.

2006 - A segment on "Sesame Street" has a picture of Kurt Cobain with pictures of John Lennon and Jimi Hendrix while they play the "One of these things doesn't belong here, two of things are kind of the same . . . " song.

2007 - Barak Obama flosses his teeth, loses two and a half pounds.

2007 - Normal white people find out that "Rascal Flats" is trailer park slang for "fags".

2007 - After failing miserably at toppling Rush Limbaugh as America's most popular radio host, Al Franken vows to replace Julia Roberts as America's most popular female box office attraction and succeeds brilliantly! "And we came THIS close to casting him with Richard Gere years ago when we made 'Pretty Woman'!" says Gary Marshall, slapping himself on the head "Damn!"

2007 - Michael Moore announces a new film about how the St. Louis Cannibal Massacre was all George W Bush's fault. Oh, I'm sorry - I'm not supposed to say anything here about the St. Louis Cannibal Massacre! Sure hope President Bush don't see this!

2007 - Hollywood divulges the Ice Cube-Henry Rollins Formula for domesticating "Outlaw" entertainers - "Put Him In A Movie And All He Will Want Is To Be In Another Movie".

2008 - All out nuclear war breaks out and it just ain't THAT bad. Turns out that the Japanese are just pussies when it comes to nuclear fission. The entire United States is nuked and, aside from a few burnt out Sushi bars and electronics stores, you'd never know the difference.

2008 - Conan O'Brien becomes the host of "The Tonight Show". Jimmy Kimmel becomes the host of "Kareoke Night" at Benny's Pizzaria in Green Bay, Wisconsin.

2008 - Garrison Keillor has a good idea and immediately dies of a cerebral hemmorage.

2008 - A drunken Mike Dukakis steals a tank from a Massachusetts National Guard base, destroys several small towns and kills hundreds of people while shrieking "Who looks funny NOW, motherfuckers!?! Who looks funny NOW!?!" Dukakis is prevented from entering the Kennedy estate when Ted Kennedy heroically drives a car off of a bridge and right on top of the tank.

2009 -  Turns out that every one of the men set up with women through the eHarmony.com introductory service has been sending that Dr. Neil Clark Warren guy hidden camera videos of their wives sitting on the toilet. "I can't help it!' admits the lovable matchmaker. "I just dig watching chicks squeeze out a stinky!"

2009 - The new Duff McKagen balloon in the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade is an immediate Hit!

2009 - Every one of the panelists and spectators on a C-SPAN broadcast fall asleep for fourteen minutes. No one notices.

2010 - Another Destiny's Child reunion! Everyone is so busy looking at Beyonce and Kelly it's halfway through the third video til anyone notices the third one has been replaced by a big ol' sack o' crayfish.

2010 - A version of "War Of The Worlds" presented from the Martian's point of view entitled "War Of The -  Cough Cough - Worlds" goes into production.

2011 - Israel announces that . . . Aw, who gives a crap?

2011 - Science Fiction writers of the Seventies, Eighties, and Nineties are so reviled for their paranoid vision of a totalitarian future they are rounded up by The Justice Squad and banished to The Chaos Territory.

2011 - A tall, thin man shakes Sean Hannity's hand and appears to go into a trance. Hannity looks on fearfully until his security men lead the man away.

2012 - Johnny Depp look at Sean Penn, says "Hey, remember OLIVER PLATT?", and they laugh and laugh and laugh.

2012 - A tall, thin man starts shooting at Sean Hannity during a public appearence and Hannity grabs a woman's baby to hold up in front of him as protection. People all over America are so impressed by Hannity's resourcefulness that he is elected President.

2012 - Jamaica issues an official apology for Reggae - "We were stoned!" Refuses to accept responsibility for any white people who ever wore dreadlocks but will try really hard to start saying "man" instead of "mon".

2014 - Millions of people die of fright when the ghost of Bob Hope materializes in the middle of a broadcast of "Saturday Night Live". Lorne Michaels wakes up, looks around, and goes back to sleep.

2015 - An episode of the daytime talk show "Osama" ends with the host giving every member of the studio audience their own car bomb.

2028 - It is revealed that there is no such place as Austrailia. "Mad Max", AC/DC, "Crocodile Dundee", INXS - All that stuff came from South Africa. The whole thing was an evil scam to peddle their racist wares to the international community. Kangaroos and Koala Bears are oppressed black Africans in hot, uncomfortable costumes. Aborigines are zany white Africans in blackface. Bad South Africa! Bad Bad South Africa!

2033 - John Kerry tells the nursing staff at the Jean LeClerc Old Folks Home that he has a "plan" to return from the dead.

2041 - Red China is invaded by an army of androids that look and behave exactly like Jada Pinkett in "A Low Down Dirty Shame". "Everybody just CHILL! RELAX!! Don't make me get ROWDY! It is not a PRETTY SIGHT!!!" Million and millions of them.

2055 - John Saleeby finally picks up one of those Grand Funk Railroad records he's been hearing about all his life, listens to it for three minutes, and drops dead of a heart attack - "I'm too old for this shit!"

3001 - Frye from "Futurama" is George Jetson's bitch.

 

John Saleeby wrote for The National Lampoon while he was in high school, was a stand up comic in New York, and has contributed to the net humor zines Schmuck.com, Campaign Central, and the legendary American Jerk. He's on medication now so he's probably a little nicer now than he was when you met him earlier. Email - jacksaleeby1@hotmail.com

 

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