Twenty-Six Years of My Bullshit

By Johnny Apocalypse September 1st, 2005

October of 1982. Remington Steele premiered on television, the Cardninals defeat the Brewers in the world series, and a madman was born who would lead the world into a new age of prosperity, laughter and insanity.

Okay, so maybe I'm not leading anything into prosperity, but having been crawling around this planet for twenty-six years I have certainly made everyone a bit crazier. And even though people generally curse the day I was born, I felt like wasting some space on the internet to talk a bit about my life, perhaps accidentally explaining how I managed to lose my mind so effectively.

Sometime around eight in the morning I was forcefully removed from the womb and into a doctor's hands. After taking one look at my face and hearing my Joker-like laugh, he immedately attempted to shove me back in. Realizing that the deed could not be undone, he handed me over to my parents, saying "name him whatever the hell you want, I need to leave the country".

The first few years of my life were simple enough. I watched a ton of Sesame Street, had my first exposure to video games through my cousin's Atari, and played the same childhood games everyone does. I devolped my love of pizza and chili dogs, which follows me to this day, and realized that movies are the best way to waste time.

Then came my first days at school. Halfway through my first year at Kindergarten, my teacher advised my parents that she thought I was "gifted", although I wonder if forty years ago the teacher would have said "touched in the head" instead. I was adept at math, even though I hated it. I was far from social, creating a few good friends but not talking to many of the children.

As school went on I followed the same pattern. I was good at math, good with vocabulary but not so good with grammar (I have vowed to never know what a "past participle" is), and lousy at some of the sciences even though I was pretty interested in them. I also realized that if the teacher wanted us to read a book I had no desire to read (like "Anne of Green Gables" or anything Charles Dickens wrote), I generally wouldn't read it.

Somewhere around the age of thirteen, two of the biggest changes in my life came. I tried coffee for the first time, and to date I drink about two to three pots a day. And I realized that I wanted to work for the FBI.

I had previously taken small sips of my parent's coffee, never liking it because they put cream and sugar in it, and they had me convinced that I wouldn't like it unless I did the same. At some point I decided to try it black, and I have developed a caffeine addiction of epic proportions, as well as the belief that strong black coffee is the greatest taste in the world.

And now onto the concept of being a Federal agent. Back in 1991, Jeffrey Dahmer was arrested for multiple murders. In 1993, a reference to his crimes in Mad Magazine caught my interest and I looked into it. The idea of a serial killer fascinated me, especially one as fucked up as Jeffrey Dahmer. I realized then and there that I wanted to arrest and study these sick bastards for a living.

It was because of my desire to join the FBI that I have, to date, never tried any illegal drugs, and probably never will. I knew that any sort of arrest involving drugs would knock me a few rungs down the ladder on the FBI's "to-hire" list, as would most any sort of criminal activity. And even though my career plans have changed and I no longer want to work in law enforcement, I still stay away from the hard drugs because I have an addictive personality. More on that later.

Several years into high school I first met people who were heavily into politics. I was raised in a family whose political views I generally adopted, but have formed different opinions on several issues. But in high school I met a great number of people my age who could think of nothing but politics, advocating or condemning any cause you could think of, arguing, begging and pleading with everyone around to join their side. From all of this, I developed my main political opinion: Politics suck, and anyone who wants to be a politician is even crazier than I am.

I have grown against the idea of being a politician so much that it's no longer a matter of simply not running for office. I have to be proactive, and campaign for people to not vote for me. That's why I want my own political commercials. By the time you've seen one of them, you won't even vote for me as a joke.

"Hi, I'm Johnny Apocalypse, and I don't want you to vote for me. Not for President, Senator, Sheriff or Mayor. If elected, I'll outlaw art museums. I'll legalize public defecation. By all that is holy, I'll nuke Florida. And Florida is one of the states that I like. I'm Johnny Apocalpse and I approve this message."

And what campaign is complete without an adversarial commercial, telling you why I'm so evil, complete with the dark and shadowy voice.

"Johnny Apocalypse wants to raise income taxes to 100% and use the money to buy Skittles, leaving you without a dime, and leaving him with Skittles. He wants to overcrowd our public schools, and then release rabid, steroid-addled bulls into them, selling the video footage to reality television and using the proceeds to buy more Skittles, leaving you with dead children, and leaving him with more Skittles. Why should we entrust all our nation's power, and all our Skittles, to one man? Paid for by the committee to keep Johnny Apocalypse the hell out of office. I'm Johnny Apocalypse and I approve this message."

And one last commercial, the type that takes one small thing way out of context.

"Johnny Apocalypse is a man who believes in Bigfoot. Seriously, Bigfoot. Would he use our tax money to hunt Bigfoot down? Does he support Sasquatch's civil rights over our own? Most importantly, can we take that chance? I'm Johnny Apocalypse and I approve this message."

With gung-ho dreams of law enforcement in my mind, I somehow got to thinking that it would be a good idea to join the Army and become a Military Policeman to get some experience. Shortly after I turned the age of 18, I signed the papers to get a six-year hitch in the Reserves. I graduated from high school and then went off to basic training and Military Police school.

As it turns out, joining the military was probably the best decision of my life. I was never good enough to be soldier of the year, and my personality may not have been the best for the Army, but what really made this such a great decision is the effect the military had on me. Basic training was the first time I ever learned to listen to myself. I realized that my thoughts of killing in self defense were far too simple. I had always thought "if they're trying to kill me and I kill them, so be it. I'll sleep just as well as I do now." I quickly figured out that even though I could probably live with myself after killing in self defense or defense of another, it would affect me a lot. I'd probably end up with nightmares and bouts of depression, to say the least.

Beyond listening to myself in that respect, my time in the Army taught me more social skills (I had friends, but most of my talking was done yelling at Super Mario when he wouldn't jump when I hit the buttons on my Nintendo controller). I had more self confidence, and I gained a wide variety of skills, not just in killing, but leadership, an enhanced work ethic and some attention to detail. Listening to myself actually led me to a spiritual conversion (which most people think I'm lousy at following but who cares?)

And most importantly, I discovered that I wasn't the right person for a career in law enforcement.

After my training in the military I went to college and studied criminal justice, not that I was still planning to be a Fed or even a cop, but primarily because it was one of the few fields that I was interested in studying. I'm horrible at chemistry and biology barely interests me, so being a doctor was out. I despise math with a passion so a degree in that or accounting wasn't an option, and I figured that a degree in business would lead me into jobs that would bore me worse than the Lord of the Rings movies.

The only other field I could foresee studying was Philosophy, which would be as useful as studying ancient Sumerian script. But I took two Philosophy classes which has led me to a deep love of the art, as well as my current belief that questions and doubt can be much more fun than answers and certainty. My favorite bit of philosophy comes from David Hume, who wrecked house in all things concerning belief and has shown (still conclusively last I checked) that we cannot prove nor disprove our own existence. Pretty crazy, right?

Instead of trying to prove that I exist, like so many philosophers have tried and failed (and I'm not nearly smart enough to actually succeed where these great minds have not), I like to try to disprove my existance. However, this is generally limited to the malarky of telling people that I'm a figment of their imagination.

"So Johnny, why am I paying you to do this job when you keep telling me that you don't exist?"

"Why don't you tell me? You're the one forking money over to someone who's not here."

"But how can someone I've imagined be doing a good job at this?"

"Look pal, you're hallucinating the fact that I'm even here, why don't you hallucinate a reason to pay me."


I'm of the firm belief that everyone has had an interesting life, whether or not they realize it themselves. The experiences of everyone walking this planet are absolutely fascinating, and more often then not they have some stories that I can learn from.

Whether or not you've learned anything from this little autobiography, I hope that you've found it entertaining. As for how much of it is true, I'll say that I wrote more fact than I was expecting to. But at the same time, you should keep the title of this article in mind.




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