Note To Readers: I apologize if this article is a little "dark" compared to my usual Acid Logic stuff. Just before I began writing I saw some red carpet pictures of Brenda Song at the premier of "The Social Network" and found out that she has gotten a TATTOO!!! How can I be funny when the whole World is going to HELL!?! Anyway, here is the True Crime Tale of . . .
UNCLE JIMMY'S EASTER SUNDAY SHOOTING SPREE!!!
By John Saleeby
Easter Sunday, 1975. Hamilton, Ohio.
All of the Ruppert Family gathered at Grandma Ruppert's two story wooden house to celebrate the Resurrection. In attendance - Leonard Ruppert, his Wife Alma, all eight of their children ages four through seventeen, and Leonard's Younger Brother James who was single, unemployed, and lived in his Mother's house.
There was a traditional Easter Egg Hunt in the yard and then everyone went inside for Lunch. While Grandmother and Alma prepared the meal, Leonard and James had a brief conversation about politics and then James went upstairs to prepare for an afternoon of "shooting" out by the river. After a few minutes the gun enthusiast came back downstairs carrying a rife and three handguns. On his way out through the kitchen Leonard asked him "How is your Volkswagon, Jimmy?" and James shot his brother in the head. Then he shot Alma, his mother , and every one of the children.
WHY? WHY? WHY? Brenda Song is such a cute young girl! Why would she get a tattoo? WHY?
When James Ruppert was a small child his father was a chicken farmer and the family lived in a wooden shack with no electricity or plumbing. James suffered from an infinite number of allergies and not engage in any kind of physical activity. He had to wear glasses, walked with a slump, and was the target of merciless teasing from other children.
As he grew older, things got worse. When James was twelve his father died after twelve years of screaming at James about how useless he was and how he would never amount to anything. Meanwhile, James' mother made it clear that she wished he had been a girl rather than a boy and joined his older brother Leonard in abusing James. Leonard was a sadist who enjoyed beating James up and locking him in closets. When James was sixteen he ran away and tried to hang himself. Leonard was now the man of the family; he became an electrician and began a successful career at General Electric. James made poor grades, flunked out of College, and was unable to earn a steady income. Leonard married Alma and they started a family. James rarely went out with girls, was dumped by a fiancée , and was dating Alma when she met Leonard. The day before the shootings was James' 41st birthday. He was broke and living in his mother's House but Mrs. Ruppert made it clear that she was throwing him out the day after Easter. He had no idea where he was going to go or what he was going to do.
Psychiatrists later found that James had paranoid delusions that not only were Leonard, Alma, and his mother conspiring to ruin his life but so were the United States Government, the Central Intelligence Agency, and the Federal Bureau of Investigation. When James got in trouble for allegedly making an obscene phone call he concluded that there was an orchestrated conspiracy to inform the entire population of the City of Hamilton of the incident and spread suspicion that he was a communist and a homosexual.
But James believed that Leonard in particular was responsible for his troubles. He had been having mechanical problems with his Volkswagon and was convinced that Leonard had been sabotaging the automobile. So . . .
"How is your Volkswagon, Jimmy?"
Maybe he should have gotten a tattoo?
James now resides at the Allen Correctional Institution at Lima, Ohio.
The Ruppert House was sold to a family new to the area who were unaware of the murders. And, of course, they had to move out because the house was haunted. Why has there never been a really bad Movie made out of that?
But here's a better idea for a really bad Movie based on this mess - James Ruppert had to destroy his family because they were MONSTERS!!! Every Easter Sunday they would turn into a pack of Slimey Bat Winged DEMON BEASTS to feast on the flesh of blonde haired blue eyed Christian children and James knew that it had to STOP!!! That's why they were always so mean to James - He knew it was an ABOMINATION IN THE EYES OF GOD to eat sweet pure little virgin children and he refused to participate in their SICK ASS PAGAN CANNIBAL RITUALS!!! THAT'S why James was so puny and scrawny! THAT'S why his mother wanted a daughter instead of a son - So the daughter could . . . uh . . . do whatever Female Slimey Bat Winged Demon Beasts do (I have to work on that part of the story). So on that Easter Sunday 1975 the Rupperts had a whole bunch of kidnapped nice clean Aryan children locked up in the basement, James killed all of his monster relatives, and let all those poor little kids free after making them swear to never tell anybody what happened "Cause in 2010 John Saleeby is going to write a really bad movie script about this and we can't blow it!"
So I'm glad I did this article for Acid Logic after all - It's depressing as crap but at least I got a Million Dollar Movie idea out of it. Yeah! Too bad about that stupid tattoo, Brenda Song! I would have loved to give you a part in the movie , but you blew it! Now all you will ever get to be is my Black Mass Bride and squeeze out all my Slimey Bat Winged Demon Beast offspring! Boy, are you SCREWED!!
John Saleeby wrote for The National Lampoon while he was in high school, was a stand up comic in New York, and has contributed to the net humor zines Schmuck.com, Campaign Central, and the legendary American Jerk. He's on medication now so he's probably a little nicer than he was when you met him earlier.
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