George Romero : 1940 - 2017
By John Saleeby
August 1 , 2017
George Romero died and everybody made the exact same joke “Oh, don’t worry - He’ll be right back in a minute! Ha Ha Ha!!” He IS still dead, right? They’re not going to let him make that stupid Movie about Zombie Race Car Drivers he was talking about, right? No, he’s dead. Maybe Tobe Hooper is dead, too. Somebody go check on that guy. Nah, nobody gives a shit.
George Romero was a lot more than “The Father Of The Zombie Movie”. That’s all those idiots in the Media had to say about George when he died “He was the Father of the Zombie Movie!” Well, if George was the Father of the Zombie Movie who was the Mother? I dunno, how about Linnea Quigley the Hot Punk Rock Zombie Chick in “Return Of The Living Dead”? That isn’t a Romero Movie but it’s got Linnea Quigley as a Hot Punk Rock Zombie Chick running around naked and Linnea Quigley running around naked is always a Big Deal. So, yeah - Linnea Quigley is the Mother of the Zombie Movie and if that doesn’t show how stupid all that “Father of the Zombie Movie” stuff is at least we got to watch Linnea Quigley run around naked for a little bit. Hey, we’re in MOURNING here! Let’s watch Linnea run around naked in “Psycho From Texas”! Oh, I gotta finish this article . . .
George Romero wasn’t about Zombie Movies, he was about GREAT Movies! He made at least two Great Movies - “Night Of The Living Dead” and “Dawn Of The Dead”. He also made four Good Movies - “Martin”, “Creepshow”, “Day Of The Dead”, and “Land Of The Dead”. And he made a Movie about a Funny Little Monkey running around killing people. (Hhhhmmm, a lotta “running around” in this article. Hey, it’s an article about George Romero Movies!) Yeah, “Monkeyshines”. I like that Movie. Well, I like the Monkey. Too bad George didn’t make more Monkey Movies. Shit, half a dozen Zombie Movies but only one Monkey Movie? Oh, yeah - A Movie about a Shopping Mall full of Zombies, why not one about a Shopping Mall full of Monkeys? What a RIP OFF! Who needs “Planet Of The Apes” when we could have had “Mall Full Of Monkeys”? Fuck it, if George Romero didn’t make that Movie John Saleeby will! HEY, MONKEYS! MEET ME AT THE MALL!!! “When There’s No More Room In The Barrel The Monkeys Will Stink Up The Water Fountain.”
George also made some pretty bad Movies. Like “Bruiser”. Boy, is that Bad Movie. The only thing I remember about “Bruiser” is The Misfits. Yes, “Bruiser” is so bad not even Misfits Fans like it. “Bruiser” is so bad The Beatles could be in it and nobody would like it. You know, like “The Magical Mystery Tour”. But it’s Okay, all the Great Directors of Cinema History have a few crummy Movies. Have you ever seen Alfred Hitchcock’s “Porky’s”? What? Get Outta Here! HEY, MISFITS! MEET ME AT THE MALL!!!
So, what kind of guy was this “George Romero”? George was a Regular Guy. George was so much of a Regular Guy that Bruce Springsteen asked him to play Saxophone in the E Street Band. But George did not play the Saxophone so he suggested that Springsteen find a Black Guy to do it. That’s how Clarence Clemons got to be in the E Street Band. Clemens was already breaking up the furniture and nailing it over the windows in George’s House which is where he got the idea for most of the action in “Night Of The Living Dead”. Gee, we ought to do an article about Clarence Clemons after he dies. Oh, he already died? DESTROY THE BRAIN AND BURN THE BODY!
George was a Funny Guy! Listen to his Commentary Track on the “Dawn Of The Dead” DVD with Tom Savini and you’ll wish they had done a Morning Zoo Radio Show instead of some of those Movies. Maybe that’s what Savini has been up to these days. I bet his Morning Show sucks cause he stays up all Night working on the Make Up “Tom, it’s Radio. You don’t have to worry about Make Up!” “I DON’T KNOW WHAT ELSE TO DO!!!!” Does he need a Wacky Side Kick? Should I send him an MP3 of my Podcast?
George was a Genius Filmmaker but a Retard Businessman. (The reverse of Judd Apatow.) “Night Of The Living Dead” was a huge success but George never got a Dime off of it. Hey, I’ve been Writing for Acid Logic for years and I never got a Dime off of it, what’s the difference? Oh, the “huge success” part. Thanks a lot. Now I feel like crap. (Thinks about “Monkeyshines”, cheers up.) Not making any Money off of “Night Of The Living Dead” was probably good for George’s image. Watching the Multizillionaire Creator of “Night Of The Living Dead” lead a Tour of his Fifty Million Dollar Mansion on “Lifestyles Of The Rich And Famous” while sporting Solid Gold Roman Centurian Armor and eating Vincent Van Gogh’s “Starry Night” with Thousand Island Dressing would not prompt any one to declare “What a Cool Guy! When he dies I will drink too much Coffee and Write a completely incoherent Tribute for some Web Zine that won’t pay me any Money!” Exactly who got all that “Night Of The Living Dead” Money, anyway? I bet he’s on some Island in the Bahamas pretending to have invented the Microwave Oven “Yeah, I’m the Microwave Oven Guy! All my idea! I was walking down the Street one day and - WHAMMO!!! - I thought of the Microwave Oven! From out of nowhere! The Microwave Oven! Yeah! Me! Uh huh!”
George Romero was The BEST Horror Director! David Cronenberg, John Carpenter, Wes Craven, all those crazy Italian guys - George SMOKED em! Hhhmmmm . . . No wonder he got Lung Cancer. Who was he smoking when he Wrote “The Crazies”? Sheesh!
In his Final Days George was planning to make a Movie about some kind of Zombie NASCAR. If that sounds like a bad idea, compare it to the last two Movies of George’s Career “Diary Of The Dead” and “Survival Of The Dead” and Zombies that drive Cars sounds terrific. But here is an even better idea now that George Romero has Died - Zombies that Direct Movies!!!! “When There’s No More Room In Hell The Dead Will Leave A Message On Your Machine”!
John Saleeby wrote for The National Lampoon while he was in high school, was a stand up comic in New York, and has contributed to the net humor zines Schmuck.com, Campaign Central, and the legendary American Jerk. He's on medication now so he's probably a little nicer now than he was when you met him earlier. Email - firstname.lastname@example.org
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