Walt Disney Was A Good Guy And You're Just A Bunch Of Punks
By John Saleeby
April 1, 2016
Hey! Why does everybody hate Walt Disney all of a sudden? Quit putting down Walt Disney! Okay, so Walt Disney didn’t see things exactly the same way some 2016 College Professor does - The only people who thought like that in Disney’s day were in Moscow playing with their “Potemkin” Action Figures. You’ve got a funny story about watching “Cannibal Holocaust” while on Acid but I can’t mention “Song Of The South” without you hiding in the Attic for six months? You’re a DOPE!
If it wasn’t for Walt Disney WE WOULDN’T HAVE CARTOONS!!! Imagine a World without Cartoons! No Beavis and Butthead! No Ren and Stimpy! No Shaggy and Scooby! No Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump! Ha Ha Ha! Imagine a World without Political Comedy! No, seriously, somebody get to work on that.
Yeah, guys were making Cartoons before Walt Disney came along but those were just Newspaper Comic Strips that moved. They didn’t have Zombie Movies yet so they had to settle on Comic Strips that moved instead of Dead People that Moved. They would have been better off making Cartoons out of the Obituary Page. Before Disney people didn’t care about Cartoons any more than people today care about . . . Oh, Coffee Mugs. There are Coffee Mugs all over the place with all kinds of cute pictures, slogans, and logos stuck onto the side - Nobody gives a SHIT! But what if one day a Creative Super Genius came along who was OBSESSED with Coffee Mugs? This guy doesn’t just make a Coffee Mug with a little picture of a Kitty, he makes a Coffee Mug that chases mice and purrs when you scratch it! Doggy Coffee Mugs that will fetch a stick and help a Blind Man walk around without bumping into the wall! A Gathering Of Coffee Mugs Appear Above Your Head, They Sang To You This Song Of Hope, Maybe Seth McFarlane’s Dead! Suddenly the Whole World would be Coffee Cup Crazy! A Mug is A Wish Your Coffee Makes! THAT’S what Walt Disney did with Cartoons! You know, like Puck and Pedro did with Reality TV.
Who do people today think are The Cool Hipster Cats Of Cartoons if Walt Disney is such a Big Dumb Nobody? Those Warner Brothers Looney Tunes dudes like Tex Avery and Chuck Jones , right? Man, Tex Avery and Chuck Jones and everybody else in the Animation Business Worshipped Walt Disney as a GOD! Walt Disney appeared to Tex Avery in a Vision and told him “Make a bunch of Cartoons about a Rabbit called ‘Bugs Bunny’! He talks in a Brooklyn accent and his catch phrase is ‘What’s Up, Doc?’ Every now and then acts like he’s gay. Believe me, it’ll be funny!” If Chuck Jones had been right in the middle of the first Road Runner Cartoon and he got a phone call from Walt Disney offering him Fifteen Cents a Week to scrub Toilets at the Disney Studios he would have hung up the Phone, walked out of the Looney Tunes Building, and spent the rest of his Life scrubbing Toilets for Walt Disney. The World would have never experienced the hilarity of Wile E Coyote blowing himself up with an ACME Atomic Bomb, flattening himself with an ACME Steamroller, or injecting himself with an ACME Hypodermic full of ACME Heroin but Jones would have died a Happy Man knowing that he had devoted his Existence to the Service of His Lord and Savior Walt Disney. I Shit You Not, Astronaut! Cartoons you think are a Hundred Billion Zillion Times better than anything Walt Disney ever did were created by men heartbroken beyond consolation over not being able to get a job with Walt Disney. People were really impressed when those Looney Tunes guys told them they were in the Cartoon Business - Until they found out they didn’t work for Walt Disney. Then they’d just stare them down until they broke out crying and ran away. Non - Disney Cartoon Guys were breaking out crying and running all over Los Angeles in those days. People just assumed they were Script Writers. Non - Disney guys were so low on the Totem Pole they couldn’t even make the Hollywood Black List. If they found out a Non - Disney Guy was a Commie they’d just stare him down until he broke down crying and shoot him before he could run away.
Speaking of Commies - You’re all Suckers for Sanders, I’m sure you’ll be impressed with how a One Percenter like Walt Disney handled his Money. Disney made a ton of Money but he invested most of it into developing innovative Technology without which all the Cartoons you Love would have never been possible. As popular as Disney’s Cartoons were all over the World he was never a Wealthy Man for years after he first became successful. He was one of the biggest Executives in Hollywood and his Wife and Kids were Living on the Streets eating out of garbage cans and begging Tex Avery for spare change! If Walt Disney had bought his family food, the guys who made Tom And Jerry would have never had a thing they stuck an end of a pencil into and they turned a crank and it sharpened the end of the pencil! If Walt Disney had bought his family clothes the guys who made Speed Racer would never have had a round brass thing on the door that they grabbed and turned and simultaneously pulled so the door opened and they could go in and out of the room! If Walt Disney had taken his family to the Doctor when they got sick the guys who made Fat Albert would never have had a machine in the Break Room that they put change into, pushed a button, and it gave them a tin can full of carbonated beverage with Zip Zip Zappitty Caffeine! But they didn’t mind the Sacrifice because they were no common Americans - They were DISNEYS!
So leave Walt Disney alone! You want to mess with DW Griffith, go mess with DW Griffith! What? Nobody knows about DW Griffith? See what a good job you’re doing? Go start up with JJ Abrams - You just know he’s up to SOMETHING!
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John Saleeby wrote for The National Lampoon while he was in high school, was a stand up comic in New York, and has contributed to the net humor zines Schmuck.com, Campaign Central, and the legendary American Jerk. He's on medication now so he's probably a little nicer now than he was when you met him earlier. Email - firstname.lastname@example.org