Creeps of the Deep
By John Saleeby
July 1, 2015
Hear the word “Fish” and you think about a funny little thing in a glass bowl that dies and you flush down the toilet. Or maybe a mechanical Shark in a Steven Spielberg Movie you saw before you finally caught on the Steven Spielberg ought to be flushed down the toilet. Fish! They swim, we eat em, why waste your time reading an article about such foolishness? Because, My Friends, way, way down at the bottom of the Sea there are Fish so ugly, so hideous, so grotesque that if every one was aware of their existence all people would want to do is drink themselves into a mumbling stupor. What? That’s all people have ever done? Oh, everybody already knows about those Fish. Guess I should have gone with the article about how cool Ted Nugent is, huh?
These Fish are no joke! When I was a little kid I was looking through a book about Animals, found a picture of one of those Fish, and it scared me so much I spent ten years hiding behind a picture of a couch in a book about Furniture.If we had people walking around up here looking like that we’d be in a Rob Zombie Movie. Even Sharks are disgusted by the Deep Sea Ugly Freak Ass Fish. While we were all going to see “Jaws” the Sharks were going to see “The Deep Sea Ugly Freak Ass Fish”. You don’t need a catchy title to get a Shark to see your Movie. Their Favorite Western is “Once Upon A Time In The Old West”. You’d have to look at Insects to see animals as repulsive as those Deep Sea Fish. Go ahead, look at Rob Zombie’s hair and see the BUGS! He’s nasty! Those Fish are so horrible that if you made Fish Sticks out of em they’d crawl out of the Freezer like Eels and into the Tub while you’re taking a Bath and swim up your butt. Try explaining THAT to the ER Nurse! Why are you so afraid of the ER Nurse? Oh, you’re the ER Doctor. Ha Ha (Hospital Humor). All the Tartar Sauce in the World wouldn’t make me want to have anything to do with these Fish! “There goes the Neighborhood!” says The Creature From The Black Lagoon “Can I have some of that Tartar Sauce? I just picked up a Fish Dinner from Popeyes!” Go away, Creature!
Thank God there’s no Sun Light at the Bottom of the Ocean so them Fish can’t see how ugly they are. Obama’s gonna spend all our Money sending a million Solar Power Panels down there. Just throw em off the Boat, they’ll sink! Until then it will be so dark down there those Fish will continue to Live in a Forties Noir Atmosphere with lots of Intrigue and Mystery. Their Favorite Band - The Darkness. Their Favorite Album - “Darkness On The Edge Of Town”. Their Favorite Book - “Catch 22”. What’s that got to do with Darkness? Nothing, it’s just a damn good read! How do they get around in the Dark? Get ready for this, you are really gonna FREAK OUT! The FREAKY Fish get around in the Dark with A Little Electric Light That Sticks Out Of Their Head!!! How come we don’t have that shit? All my Life I’ve wondered why I didn’t have Antlers like a Moose and now I wanna know why I don’t have A Little Electric Light That Sticks Out Of My Head! The way Technology is going one day all the kids will have Little Electric Lights Sticking Out Of Their Heads but I won’t be able to afford a new Light Bulb for my Lamp. And if those kids have Moose Antlers I’ll just stick my dick in the Light Socket and that will be it. To Hell with it!
Aw, those Fish are hard to look at but they’re probably cool. Obama isn’t trying to help them develop Nuclear Weapons, How bad can they be?
Beloved Prop Comic Carrot Top enters with a Wacky Little Electric Light Sticking Out Of His Head. The Crowd goes nuts.
“I got more laughs with one Little Light than you did with one whole article!”
“I wonder kind of wacky prop he would have come out with if I had done the Ted Nugent article?”
An Arrow shoots through Saleeby’s head.
NEXT MONTH - Portuguese Man O’ War? More like Portuguese Bitch O’ Bullshit! Ha!
Oh, Man! I forgot to Write some Phish jokes! Damn!
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John Saleeby wrote for The National Lampoon while he was in high school, was a stand up comic in New York, and has contributed to the net humor zines Schmuck.com, Campaign Central, and the legendary American Jerk. He's on medication now so he's probably a little nicer now than he was when you met him earlier. Email - firstname.lastname@example.org