"Brainwashed By Classic Rock Radio!"By John Saleeby
March 1st, 2019
Every Morning I Drive to Work in my Car and listen to Rock N' Roll on my Radio. Yeah, I like to pretend that it is still the Twentieth Century (I work at Blockbuster Video). There are a lot of really good Songs on Classic Rock Radio and a lot of them I used to really hate. It's what Psychiatrists call "Forcing Retards To Hear Over And Over Until They Think It's as Good As The Beatles Or The Stones". Psychiatrists have a nice short catchy name for that but you have to go to Psychiatry School to learn it. I don't need no Learning! I've got a Job at Blockbusters! (Saleeby drives up to the vacant lot where Blockbusters used to be and remembers why he has not had anything to eat in Eighteen Years). Anyway, here are a few Tunes that I really enjoy hearing on the Radio after Years of whining like a little bitch about how they never play The Sex Pistols or The New York Dolls.
"Round And Round" By RattRatt's Big Hit and if you don't like it you must be a Hard Core Quiet Riot Fan and We Salute You. Ratt's Lead Guitar Player quit and Quiet Riot's Lead Guitar Player took his place but now Ratt's Lead Guitar Player is back and Quiet Riot's Lead Guitarist is wandering around LA telling people he is the Lead Guitar Player with Quiet Ratt! "Hey! Are you making LA Hair Metal Lead Guitar Player Jokes?" Get out of here, CC DeVille! Say, LA sounds fun. Maybe I'll go live there "You might want to listen to 'Appetite For Destruction' again, dude." Thanks, CC.
"Midnight Blue" By Lou GrammIt's amazing that the Lead Singer in fuckin' Foreigner could come up with something as Great as this. Compare "Midnight Blue" to anything the Lead Singer in Led Zeppelin has ever come up with. I'm not going to mention the Lead Singer in Led Zeppelin by name here because because the realization that he has been trumped by the goddam Lead Singer in fuckin' Foreigner will depress him so much he will finally agree to doing a Led Zeppelin reunion and I ain't takin' the blame for that, man! A Foreigner reunion? Did they break up? Oh, you can blame that one on me. I don't give a fuck.
"Here I Go Again" By Whitesnake.The perfect Song to play on the Radio in the AM when people are driving to Work and need a little inspiration for the Working Day "Here I go again! Here I go agaaaaaiiiin!" and then a Guitar Solo to get their mind's off quitting and moving to whatever dumb shit place they daydream about moving to every afternoon. They never play "Here I Go Again" in the PM when people are driving Home because that "Here I go again! Here I go Agaaaaiiiin!" and that Guitar Solo will have them driving all the way to whatever dumb shit place they were daydreaming about moving to all afternoon and then Dave Coverdale will have succeeded in his Mad Quest to destroy Civilization! IN YOUR FACE, TAWNY KITAEN!!!
"Sister Christian" By Night Ranger"Sister Christian" doesn't have a lot going for it. The Lyrics are no Big Deal, the Vocal is no Big Deal - MOTORIN'!!! Yeah! That MOTORIN'!!! thing! That's what makes the whole thing so Great - MOTORIN'!!! You put MOTORIN'!!! in any Song and it will be awesome. Watch this "By the dark of the Moon I planted MOTORIN'!!! But there came a killin' snow "MOTORIN'!!! And the pony she named Wildfire MOTORIN'!!! busted down his stall MOTORIN'!!! In a MOTORIN'!!! blizard he was MOTORIN'!!! lost MOTORIN'!!! She ran callin' MOTORIN'!!!! MOTORIN'!!! MOTORIN'!!! What Song was I singing just now? "Beth"? I always liked "MOTORIN'!!! that one.
"Twilight Zone" By Golden EarringThis Bad Ass Rocker is by Golden Earring but just for kicks I pretend it's by Iggy Pop every time it comes on. Yeah, "Twilight Zone" was Iggy's first big Classic Rock Radio Hit, followed by "Round And Round", "Midnight Blue", "Here I Go Again" . . . Yeah, Iggy - The King Of Classic Rock Radio! What Iggy Classic are they playing right now? Oh, "Hotel California". Not exactly Iggy at his Best but . . . What Iggy Tune are they Rockin' Out with on the Rival Classic Rock station? Hey, "Free Bird"! Iggy really goes to Town on that one! GO IGGY!!! That's the Iggmeister playing Lead Guitar there! Yeah . . . Aw, crap. Being an Iggy Fan really sucks sometimes.
"Shadows Of The Night" By Pat Benatar
This one really (Now wait a minute! - Acid Logic Editor Wil Forbis) What? I'm writing an article here! (Yeah, I know. But now you've gone too far with this bullshit - Acid Logic Editor Wil Forbis) What? You don't like "Shadows Of (No, I don't. To Hell with it. This Article is OVER! - Acid Logic Editor Wil Forbis) Yeah Yeah Yeah, we all know who the Editor this Site is, Wil FuckFace! (Okay, that's it. Say 'Good Bye' to everybody, Saleeby - Master Of The Infinite Internet The Mighty Forbis) Good Bye to everybody, Saleeby! (Oh, Fuck Off) MOTORIN'!!!
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John Saleeby wrote for The National Lampoon while he was in high school, was a stand up comic in New York, and has contributed to the net humor zines Schmuck.com, Campaign Central, and the legendary American Jerk. He's on medication now so he's probably a little nicer now than he was when you met him earlier. Email - firstname.lastname@example.org
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