Acid Logic Christmas CD Gift Guide!
By John Saleeby
January 1st, 2018
Music CDs are the ideal Holiday Gift for that Special Person in Your Life that you do not know in the Least but have to buy a Present for because we are Celebrating the Birth of Christ and they might have some Weed or know a Girl drunk enough to let you take her Clothes off. CDs are the Perfect Stocking Stuffer - They’re Cheap, easy to Wrap (Just stuff em in a Stocking!), and it is Fun to see the look on their Face when they see you have given them a Record they already bought Twenty Seven Years Ago when they were on Heroin and now they are JONESIN’ FOR A FIX! Next Year is gonna be a NIGHTMARE! HA HA! So, what CDs should you buy for the People you pretend to Love in 2017? Taylor Swift? Justin Timberlake? Is that the Fat Married Couple with the Fat Kids who just came in the Green Jello with pieces of Canned Fruit in it? They could have least bothered to take the fucking Fruit out of the Can. GET THOSE ASSHOLES OUT OF MY HOUSE! Oh, it’s their House. I’m gonna go throw up in their Shower and steal some towels. Here are three CDs you can buy for me instead of all the Japanese Porn I really want. I’m gonna go scarf up some of that Green Jello. It will look good on the bottom of their Shower . . .
“Southern Nights” - Allen Toussaint
Allen Toussaint was the King Of New Orleans Music in the Seventies and I am ashamed that guy from New Orleans like me never paid any attention to his Music until about a Week ago. Hey, I been BUSY for the past Forty Years! You think those Billy Squire Albums were gonna just listen to themselves? But “Southern Nights” is such a good Allen Toussaint Album I might bother to look up the correct way to spell the Dude’s name. No, I don’t mean the Glenn Campbell “Southern Nights” Record! That’s a Record Glenn Campbell made out of a Allen Toussaint Song and you can talk about The White Man stealing The Black Man’s Music while I watch “Sanford And Son” for a few Jokes to use in this Article. Allen Toussaint’s Black Man version of “Southern Nights” is so good no White Man can hear it without Recording his own version of it to make Ten Million Dollars. My Version of “Southern Nights” was released on Acid Logic Records and I spent my Ten Million Dollars in a Chinese Whorehouse. Those Chinese Whorehouse Drinks are EXPENSIVE! Yeah, “Southern Nights” is THAT Good! Ooooohhhh, this is SPOOKY - Allen Toussaint and Glennn Campbell died in THE SAME YEAR! Who else made a Record of “Southern Nights”? Did Phil Collins make a “Southern Nights” Record? Is it too late for Phil Collins to die in the same Year as those other Dead Dudes? Did Stevie Nicks make a “Southern Nights” Record? Was it as funny as “Silent Night”? (Saleeby does an impression of Steve Nicks Singing “Southern Nights” like she Sang “Silent Night”)
Did you know Stevie Nicks Recorded Singing “Silent Night” while throwing up Green Jello in Don Henley’s Shower?
“Bach’s Bottom” - Alex Chilton
Everybody knows about Alex Chilton. He was The Drummer in the Legendary Canadian Power Trio Potato Face . . . Had you going there, didn’t I? It’s Cool, just messing with you cause you’re not in the room and can’t punch me in the mouth. Anyway, “Bach’s Bottom” is the last Record Alex Chilton Recorded in Memphis before he went to New Orleans and got a Job Washing Dishes. How does it compare to the Record Johnny Thunders Recorded in New York before he went to New Orleans and . . . Hey, we really gotta keep everybody from Seattle the Hell away from that terrible New Orleans place! Yeah, “Bach’s Bottom” was Chilton’s Farewell to the Memphis Scene and it sounds a lot like Ronnie Cox at The End of “Robocop” where he is falling off of that Skyscraper towards the Sidewalk only with a Band and some Recording Equipment falling off of the Skyscraper and towards the Sidewalk with him. Chilton is SO WASTED on this Record after Keith Richards heard it all his Song Writing Notebooks were covered with Doodles of Little Hearts with Arrows sticking through em and “ALEX” Written on em. Chilton was too bombed to Play Guitar and Produce like he usually did so he got some other knucklehead to do all that while Chilton Sang and Acted Like A Great Big Ol’ Pain In The Neck. WOW! It would have been funny if that Live Album had been a Dud and we could have gotten a Peter Frampton Album like this “Listen to this! Listen to this one . . . I DON’T CARE WHERE I GOOOO WHEN I’M WASTED . . . . Ha Ha! No, I mean . . . I DON’T CARE WHERE I GOOOOOOOO WHEN I’M WITH YOOOOUUU . . . Let’s do the Song I Wrote about my DOG!” What? Alex Chilton Jokes are Cool but nobody gets the PETER FRAMPTON Jokes? Remind me to stay away from the Peter Holsapple Jokes! SHEESH! If you thought Alex Chilton’s “Like Flies On Sherbet” is crazy, “Bach’s Bottom” will . . . Oh, you never heard “Like Flies On Sherbet”? Okay, I can deal with that. BUT DON’T TELL ME YOU NEVER HEARD THAT PETER FRAMPTON RECORD!!! You got those Jokes! Oh . . . You got em . . . You just didn’t think they were funny . . . Shoulda went with the Billy Squier stuff . . .
“I’m In You” - Peter Frampton
This is the Album Peter Frampton Recorded after his Huge Hit Live Album . . . Wait a minute . . .
Oh, I just got a Phone Call from my Dad. Apparently, Christmas was A WEEK AGO and my Mom is really mad at me for not coming over to eat all her food and sleep on her couch while she is trying to talk to me. Okay, I kinda lost track of Time - I GOT ALBUMS TO LISTEN TO! You think EVERYBODY is an Old Retired Person with nothing to do but Cook so some guy can come over to eat and sleep on the couch? SHIT! I am REALLY getting pushed around here! Oh, and now I have to Write an Article for Acid Logic? CRAP!!!
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John Saleeby wrote for The National Lampoon while he was in high school, was a stand up comic in New York, and has contributed to the net humor zines Schmuck.com, Campaign Central, and the legendary American Jerk. He's on medication now so he's probably a little nicer now than he was when you met him earlier. Email - firstname.lastname@example.org