"Lights! Camera! Crazy Women Biting Guy's Dicks Off!!"

By John Saleeby
Sept 16, 2004

Behind The Scenes Of "Fight For Your Dick" With Producer-Director-Writer-Star John Saleeby

Why have I made a Direct To DVD Horror Movie in which all the women in the World go crazy, start biting guy's dicks off, and eating them? Well, all my life I've wanted to make a movie about The End Of The World. Why? Because the World is SHIT, that's why! As you probably know by now, my Favorite Movie is George Romero's "Dawn Of The Dead". Either that or "Boogie Nights". Damn, maybe I should have made a movie about the Seventies Porno Business instead. Do I have time for a rewrite? Hey, I barely had time to "write" muchless "rewrite"! Just say the words "All the women in the World go crazy, start biting guy's dicks off, and eating them" and it all falls into place quite naturally. If you are a guy and that doesn't scare the crap out of you go out and eat lunch at a Mexican Resteraunt and I'll tell you all about it again in a couple of hours.

The story of "Fight For Your Dick" is so simple a monkey could have written it. Hey, who wrote that sentence? And where did that bunch of bananas go? Shut that window! Aw, here's the story - A typical morning in the office of an incredibly handsome Dentist, played by John Saleeby. That's right - A Splatter Movie set in a Dentist's Office! Imagine the possibilities! Perky Assistant Debbie is helping my next Patient, a forty year old man with receding gums, settle into the Examination Room while I'm in the closet practicing my standard "Your gums are hanging on by the skin of your teeth!!" joke. Suddenly there is a scream of agony from out of the Exam Room which makes no sense at all because I'm not in there. So I rush inside and - Saint Savini!!! - Debbie has bitten the Patient's dick off and is eating it! "Uh . . . How about a little Laughing Gas?" I ad lib.

I thought I knew a thing or two about women and when I began making this movie I figured most of them would find its premise to be highly offensive. And, I'm not going to bullshit you, that was pretty much the only reason I wanted to make it! So imagine my surprise when most of the women who found out I was making a movie where all the women in the World go crazy, start biting guy's dicks off, and eating them told me "Really? Is it finished? Can I see it? When can I buy a DVD? Do you actually show dicks getting bitten off? Huh? Huh? Do you actually show dicks getting bitten off?" So I had no trouble getting women to be in "Fight For Your Dick" at all. In fact, these women were so eager to be in a movie about biting dicks off and eating them that at times I was concerned for my safety. But then I realised, that's how I always feel around women - Why the Hell do you think I made this movie?

Back to the Office, I hear a tremendous ruckus in the Waiting Room and find it packed full of horrified men taking shelter from herds of rampaging women biting guy's dicks off and eating them. Then, on the TV set -  "This is Bob Schieffer of CBS News with a fast breaking news bulletin! Women all over the World are going crazy and biting guy's dicks off and eating them! What!?! I shouldn't say 'dicks' on the air? Fuck you! Women all over the World are going crazy and biting guy's dicks off and I'm gonna say 'dicks'!! Oh, my God, it's Katie Couric!!" Katie Couric, snarling like an animal, leaps on top of Schieffer who squeals with terror as they tumble out of the frame. "Put on Fox News!" I suggest "Maybe we'll get to see some of the swank bitches they've got biting Bill O'Reilly and Sean Hannity's dicks off!"

Yeah, I know this is pretty messed up stuff but it was either make a really sick violent Direct To DVD Horror Movie or buy a whole bunch of guns and go on a killing spree. I'm not quite horny enough to do the serial rapist-torturer-killer-cannibal thing, I'm just really PISSED OFF. Like that guy who went into a McDonalds full of kids twenty years or so ago and shot everybody. I almost made a movie about that but I thought it might be too much a bummer so I made a movie about all the women in the World going crazy and biting guy's dicks off and eating them instead. Cause "Fight For Your Dick" isn't some "Art" thing that's all about "expressing" my "feelings", it's "Entertainment". I get to vent twenty years or so of wishing I had been the first one to think of going into a McDonalds full of kids and shooting everybody and whoever rents the DVD gets to sit on the sofa and eat ice cream for an hour and a half.

Meanwhile, back at the office, we're fighting off an army of crazy women while outside guys whose dicks have been bitten off and eaten stagger around like zombies hollering "KILL ME!! SHE BIT OFF MY DICK AND ATE IT!!! KILL MEEE!!" until the rednecks shoot them and throw them onto the bonfire "They're all messed up!" And then - The moment when every man in every nation of the World knew that had all come to an end . . .

"Another 'Crazy Women Biting Guy's Dicks off And Eating Them' news bulletin! Word has just come in that some crazy woman has bitten off and eaten the dick of beloved late night talk show host Craig Fergusan!"

"My God! They got Craig Fergusan!"

A graphic reading "CRAIG FERGUSAN'S DICK 1961 - 2007" appears on the screen.

"My God. It's over. It's all over."

Not while John Saleeby's in the movie! First, I bust out the duct tape so we can all wrap it around our crotches ("But what if I have to pee?" "Just be damn glad you've still got a dick to pee all over yourself with!"), give a fifteen minute crash course in ripping every single tooth out of somebody's head, and then lead my boys into hand to hand combat with every crazy dick eating bitch on the planet, pulling all their teeth out until not a single one can still bite any more dicks off. But then - SURPRISE ENDING! All the women in the World have grown teeth in their VAGINAS! Ha ha ha! The End.

When will the DVD be coming out? Well, I mailed the videocassettes - Yeah, they're Betamax! What the hell is so funny about Betamax? Anyway, I mailed the videocassettes to the address on the "Beer Fest" DVD I rented last week and I'm waiting to hear from them about when it's coming out. I went to the video place and asked them if they'd heard anything about a "Fight For Your Dick" DVD coming out in the near future and they didn't seem to know what I was talking about. So I told them all about "Fight For Your Dick" and that guy who went into a McDonalds and shot everybody and then a Cop came in and chased me into the woods. Good thing I slipped that "Land Of The Dead" DVD into my pants before I started talking to em! Guess I screwed up telling them all that stuff. I've been huffing a whole lot of gasoline for the past couple of years since my dog died and I get kind of mixed up every now and then. Man, I get a head full of Lead Free Regular and I come up with the craziest shit! I went in Starbucks and told em they should made a Lead Free Regular Latte and they started hollering about how I'm the guy who's always talking about going into McDonalds and shooting everybody and then a Cop came in and chased me into the woods.

Check it out, man! George Romero's original Betamax videocassettes of " Land Of The Dead"! Check it out! If I let you have em will you open up the gas cap on your car and lemme stick my nose in there for a while? What!? You bastard! Why I oughta . . . Say, isn't that the car that hit my dog!?!

Don't it all end up in some Revelation

With four guys on horses and violent red visions

Famine and death and pestilence and war

I think I might've mentioned this before

- "Cattle And The Creeping Things", The Hold Steady

John Saleeby wrote for The National Lampoon while he was in high school, was a stand up comic in New York, and has contributed to the net humor zines Schmuck.com, Campaign Central, and the legendary American Jerk. He's on medication now so he's probably a little nicer now than he was when you met him earlier.
Email - jacksaleeby1@hotmail.com

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