Don't Tell Us, We'll Tell You

By Wil Forbis
November 1, 2004

FSNM News Network Broadcast Transcript, October 28, 2004


CHEPPARD SMITH: Hey folks, I'm Cheppard Smith and damn I look good today. Rita, don't I look good today?

RITA FETCHING: Yes, Chep, you look good today.

CHEPPARD SMITH: It's my eyebrows isn't it? Look how they glisten under the studio lights. Are my eyebrows driving you crazy, Rita?

RITA FETCHING: Yes, Chep. They're driving me crazy.

CHEPPARD SMITH: Damn, I look good. Well, hang in there Rita. Maybe we can have a go during a commercial break. So what's on your mind America? Wait, don't tell us, we'll tell you! You're dying to meet the children of the Presidential and Vice-Presidential candidates. And we've got them! First up, Mary Cheney, daughter of Vice-President Dick Cheney. Mary, welcome to the show.

MARY CHENEY: Thank you Cheppard, it's good to be here.

CHEPPARD SMITH: Well, you've certainly been in the news a lot lately, Mary. And I can see why. You are very attractive woman.

MARY CHENEY: Uh, well, thank you, Chep.

CHEPPARD SMITH: Aren't you going to tell me I'm a very attractive man? Have you seen my eyebrows?

MARY CHENEY: Er, well.

CHEPPARD SMITH: I'm just joshing with you, Mary. After all, I know I'm a very attractive man. Rita knows I'm a very attractive man. Why do I need you to tell me? . Why indeedy?


CHEPPARD SMITH: Anyway, Mary, that's all behind us. I know you didn't come on the show just to tell me you find me attractive. Tell us what you're doing for your father's reelection campaign.

MARY CHENEY:  Well, we're doing a lot of exciting stuff, Chep. I travel with my father everywhere he goes - except the main stage of the Republican convention - and arrange his day-to-day schedule. This includes his press interviews, speeches and communications with officers in the GOP. For example, just yesterday I. uh, what are you doing?

CHEPPARD SMITH: Me? I'm not doing anything?

MARY CHENEY:  Yes, you are. You're leaning forward and sticking your forehead in my face.


MARY CHENEY: Yes, it's very distracting.

RITA FETCHING: He wants you to notice his eyebrows.

CHEPPARD SMITH: Look at this one, Mary. I can make it wiggle just like it's a baby caterpillar.

MARY CHENEY: Please stop that. Please.

CHEPPARD SMITH: I'm sorry Mary. It's just that I'm an attractive man, you're an attractive woman. I don't see why we can't, you know, make sweet, sweet love right here on this table. I think we could really put the "vice" in "Vice-President's daughter" if you know what I mean.

MARY CHENEY: You do know I'm a lesbian, right?


RITA FETCHING (Looking at camera): They only way she'd come again is if she were having a three-way with Ann Heche and Sandra Berhardt.

MARY CHENEY: I prefer women, Chep. Though I'm pretty sure if I were straight I still wouldn't make sweet, sweet love with you.

CHEPPARD SMITH: Well, that's enough of Mary Cheney, everyone. Let's talk to Alexandra Kerry, daughter of Presidential candidate, John Kerry. Alexandra, welcome to "What's on Your Mind, America?"

ALEXANDRA KERRY: Thank you, Chep.

CHEPPARD SMITH: I can tell you what's on my mind, Ms. Kerry. You are a very attractive woman. Have you seen my baby caterpillar?

ALEXANDRA KERRY: Ummm, I'm a lesbian. (Walks off camera into the open arms of Mary Cheney.)

CHEPPARD SMITH: Well, that's it's for Alexandra Kerry folks. Rita, looks like it's up to you and me to fill out the program.

RITA FETCHING: You are unfortunately correct, Chep.

CHEPPARD SMITH: What do you suppose we could do for the folks back home to keep them entertained, hmmmm?

RITA FETCHING: Chep, I keep meaning to tell you I'm a lesbian.

CHEPPARD SMITH: Goddamn!!! I can't win here!

CAMERAMAN: Chep, your wife just called to say she's a lesbian.

CHEPPARD SMITH: That's it for "What's on Your Mind America." Let's switch over to "Hardballz" with your host Kris Matthews.

KRIS MATTHEWS: Thanks, Chep. Great interview with Dick Cheney's daughter, who is a lesbian. Coming up, we've got an amazing story tonight folks. We'll be interviewing Neil Funnacco, a truck driver who escaped after being imprisoned by terrorists in Iraq. But first, we pause for these commercial messages.

(Sensitive Music plays. Camera zooms in on serious looking Michael K Faux.)

MICHEAL K FAUX: Folks, with stem cell research, we have a real chance to make difference in the lives of millions of ordinary citizens as well as extraordinary ones like myself. That's why I'm asking you to Vote Yes on Proposition 564X which grants twenty billion dollars for Stem Cell Research. There's no telling what medical breakthroughs could be achieved with this measure. We could cure thousands of diseases, raise our IQs through the roof and speak to our pets telepathically. All this is possible with Stem Cells. Now I'm not going to shit you people, I don't have much time left. I need this to happen NOW. Christ, you saw what Christopher Reeve looked like towards the end. It was like watching a combination of Lex Luthor and Bizarro Superman. Well, Michael K Faux ain't going out like that, you hear me? You gotta save me people! I'm shakier than Corey Haim coming off his methodone shots! Jesus Christ, I take a piddle and I damn near repaint the john yellow. You loved me as Alex Keaton, didn't you? I was fucking hilarious on that show. And Back to the Future? Wasn't that great? Huh? What about Spin City? I've been coming into your television rooms for goddamn near twenty years now and you people can't cough up a measly twenty billion to keep me from bouncing around like a damn Mexican Jumping bean? Jesus Christ people, I jiggle worse than Jim Belushi on a treadmill. YOU GOTTA SAVE ME FOLKS! SAVE MEEE..!!!!

VOICEOVER: This message brought to you by the Committee to Rescue Television Sit-Coms Stars from the Ailments of Normal Humans.

KRIS MATTHEWS: Wecome back to Hardballz. We're talking to Neil Funnaco who barely escaped death as a prisoner of Iraqi terrorists. Neil, it's good to see. You have had an incredible experience.


KRIS MATTHEWS: Neil, I gotta ask - why in God's name did you decide to take a truck driving assignment in Iraq in the first place?

NEIL FUNNACO: Ha! That's actually a FUNNY STORY, Kris. To be honest, I'm not big on current events and at first I thought Iraq was in New Mexico. It's got a kind of MEXICAN-SOUNDING NAME, doncha' think? It wasn't until the 12 HOUR flight that I said, "Toto, I don't think we're in KANSAS ANYMORE!!!!!" HA HA HA HA!

KRIS MATTHEWS: But you were aware that Iraq was a war zone?

NEIL FUNNACO: Lemme tell you, Kris, I sure FOUND OUT! HA HA HA HA HA!

KRIS MATTHEWS: So how long were over there, Neil? Before you were taken captive by the terrorists?

NEIL FUNNACO: Ha! That's actually a FUNNY STORY, Kris. The night we got in I hit one of the discotheques in Baghdad. I started having a chat with a couple of the locals - the "Two Ahabs" I called them, though they didn't seem to fond of it. After the joint closed down I followed them around though they were doing their damndest to DITCH ME! Kooky Arabs! Finally we ended up back at their apartment. Now I tend to start babbling quite a bit after I've had a drink and I get they didn't cotton to it, so one of them, THE FIRST AHAB cocks me over the head and the next morning I woke up in their basement wearing a an orange jumpsuit and tied to a chair.

KRIS MATTHEWS:  That must have been terrible.

NEIL FUNNACO: And the ONLY THING they had to drink was O'DOULS!

KRIS MATTHEWS: Did they torture you at all, Neil? Were you subjected to any inhuman Islamic punishment?

NEIL FUNNACO: Well, they did make me watch "Three's Company" reruns that were being BROADCAST IN FARSI!

KRIS MATTHEWS:  Good Lord. The only thing worse is "Three's Company" reruns broadcast in English!

NEIL FUNNACO: And let me tell you tell, Kris, trying to find a cheeseburger in an ARAB TERRORIST'S kitchen is like trying to find a cute broadcaster on CNN! HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!!!

KRIS MATTHEWS: HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!! Judy Woodruff! Arf! Arf!

NEIL FUNNACO: But it wasn't all FUN AND GAMES, Kris. My captors liked to talk tough, you know? One of them kept threatening to cut off MY YAHOOS and use them as EARRINGS! The other said he was going to SLIT MY THROAT and use my skull for a CANDY DISPENSOR!!! But most of the time we sat around playing cards.

KRIS MATTHEWS: Did you captors ever make any demands, Neil? What did they want for your release?

NEIL FUNNACO: That's actually a FUNNY STORY, Kris. Me and the fellahs made a video where they stood around waving their swords and said they were going to CHOP OFF MY NOGGIN and let snakes live in my EYESOCKETS unless the United Satan pulled its troops from Iraq and George Bush began wearing a Muslim headscarf!!! I could tell the fellahs were just tickled to the dickens to be able to tromp around acting tough and all. But then we ran into all sorts of problems converting the video to a format that can be used on the web.

KRIS MATTHEWS:  We're they using Real Video, Neil? Or Quicktime?

NEIL FUNNACO: Uh, I don't rightly know, Kris.

KRIS MATTHEWS:  What type of computer were they using Neil? Was it a Pentium 4? Or were they using a Macintosh.

NEIL FUNNACO: I think it was a Mac.

KRIS MATTHEWS:  I knew it! I knew all Mac Users were terrorists! So let's get the most amazing part of your story Neil. Tell us of your daring escape.

NEIL FUNNACO: Well, that's actually a FUNNY STORY, Kris. About a week after the Two Ahabs kidnapped me, our boys in the air force bombed the whole joint with bunker busters. I crawled out of the wreckage and discovered we were right next door to an Iraqi orphanage. I managed to arrange the bodies of all these dead Iraqi kids into a sign that said, "HELP - I'M AN AMERICAN AND I COULD REALLY USE A CHEESEBURGER. AND SOME FRIES. MAYBE A COKE TOO. AND HOW ABOUT ONE OF THOSE DESSERTS, LIKE AN APPLE PIE OR OF ICE CREAM SUNDAE?" I was going to ask for one of those happy meal toys but I ran out of bodies.

KRIS MATTHEWS: Wow, that is a funny story. So let me ask you, Neil, what happened to you captors? Did they survive?

NEIL FUNNACO: Funny you should ask, Kris. Have you noticed my earrings?



KRIS MATTHEWS: That's it for Hardballz, folks. Next up,Greta Van Zustren tackles some real news and interviews Henry Kissenger about the Scott Peterson trial. Stay hard, America!


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