Martin Scorsese can BLOW ME!!!
Okay, I know everybody thinks Martin Scorsese is The Greatest Director In American Movies Today. So feel entirely free to call me "a fuckin' asshole", "a fuckin' dickbrain", or "a fuckin' fuck fuck" when I say this, but I could not be less impressed with Martin Scorsese if he was Renny Harlin or Michael Bay. Hell, I'll be so nasty as to just come right out and say that I could not be less impressed with Martin Scorsese if he was ROB REINER! That's right, you weasels - MARTIN SCORSESE CAN BLOW ME!!
They say Scorsese's new movie "The Departed" is Great but they ALWAYS say that about Scorsese's new movie. And then I go see it and walk out feeling kinda like "Ehh . . . I dunno . . . Hhhmm . . . ". Finally I saw "Goodfellas", walked out feeling like "Oh! I know! It's all a buncha shit about Italian guys and guns and cursing!", and I haven't been to a single Scorsese movie since. Enough with the Gangster stuff, awready! Like "The Godfather" - Yeah, Great Movie. But if you try to make me watch it again I'll tear my wind pipe out with my fingernails and shove it up your ass before I die. (My Final Words - "You shoulda picked 'Kill Bill'! '") Or "The Sopranos" - Never seen it! A TV Show about Mobsters? I don't need that anymore than a Country Song about Gay Marriage - No Thanks! And Al Capone - People love movies about that bum so much they'll even go see one directed by Brian DePalma and Kevin Costner! Now THAT is Love! Of course it helped that Capone was played in that movie by everybody but John Saleeby's Favorite Movie Star, Robert DeNiro. I couldn't be any sicker of Robert DeNiro if he was my Dad. After seeing DeNiro in "Taxi Driver" and "The Deer Hunter" just once I'd like to see him in a movie where he puts a revolver to his head, pulls the trigger, and IT GOES OFF. And then the bullet goes right through his head, bounces off of the wall, hits Al Pacino in the chest, bounces off of the wall, hits Joe Pecsi in the face, bounces off of the wall, hits Ray Liotta in the nuts, bounces off of the wall . . .
"Hey! What about me!?"
Oh, I'm sorry! It bounces off of the wall and hits Harvey Keitel right between the eyes!
Everyone agrees that Scorsese's Masterpiece is "Taxi Driver". But let me ask "Does anybody feel like watching 'Taxi Driver' again? Huh? Come on, I'll rent it and you can all come over and watch it at my place Saturday night. Huh? Who wants to see it? I'll buy beer! Huh? Huh? Come on! Whattya say? 'Taxi Driver' at my place Saturday night! WHOO HOO!! 'TAXI DRIVER' PARTY!!! WHOO HOO!! I'll get some weed! Who wants to come? Huh? Awww . . . You punks!" Hugh Hefner couldn't get people to show up at his place to see that bummed out piece of Misery. Not even Bill Maher! What is "Taxi Driver" about? A well intentioned young man destroyed by loneliness, exhaustion, drugs, paranoia and yeah yeah yeah, Paul Schraeder's been through it, Robert DeNiro's been through it, Martin Scorsese's been through it, I've been through it, you've been through it, we've all been through it so who wants to sit through a movie about it? I guess it's Heavy Stuff when you're fourteen years old and you've just discovered Nirvana but as an Entertainment Spectacle it doesn't add up to much more than a coupla episodes of "Married With Children" on F/X and then "Leave It To Beaver" on Nick At Night. The Crazy Loner Thing ? That was twenty years ago, Thank you! And if it had never been for "Taxi Driver" we never would have been forced to deal with the concept of Jody Foster as A Serious Person. And more than that, if it had never been for "Taxi Driver" John Hinckley Jr. never would have shot John Lennon. What? He shot Ronald Reagan? Gimmee a break, I can't tell Joe Pecsi apart from Harvey Keitel, how am I supposed to . . .
And how about "New York, New York" starring LIZA MINELLI? I actually paid to see that! Teenage John Saleeby sitting all alone in the dark with a bunch of guys who were crazy about LIZA MINELLI. Hey, at least it prepared me for what going to see a Woody Allen movie would be like after "Annie Hall". "New York, New York" goes on and on and on so much it's a wonder it's not called "New York, New York, New York, New York, New York, New York . . . " Right now you're probably asking "But . . . But . . . Why did Martin Scorsese direct a movie starring LIZA MINELLI?" Well, the answer to that is - And if you don't think this isn't enough to have Scorsese put to sleep you must be asleep yourself and I'll stop writing long enough to carry out your TV set, your stereo, and all your liquor - Scorsese put LIZA MINELLI in that movie because HE WAS BONING HER AT THE TIME!!! (Saleeby looks around happily while everybody jumps up and starts running around screaming and yelling and crying. Projectile vomit fills the air but it's cool. Saleeby has learned ober the years to always put on his rubber raincoat before bringing Martin Scorsese boning Liza Minelli up in conversation. That's what he was doing while diverting your attention with that routine about carrying out your TV set, stereo, and liquor. ) "Singing in the puke! I'm singing in the puke! What a glorious feeling! Sing with me, bitches!"
Or "Raging Bull" - I'm sorry, I just don't get it. I saw that crazy Japanese movie where the Yakuza died, came back as a hot chick, and when his flunkie had sex with her the original Yakuza popped out of her twat and it was as clear to me as "Dirty Harry". But when I see "Raging Bull" I'm as bewildered as my Grandfather watching Ken Anger's "Fireworks". I knew it was a mistake taking him to see that but it was either "Fireworks" or "The Computer That Wore Tennis Shoes" and good luck getting Gramps to see anything with computers in it after "2001".
And don't even talk to me about that damn "King Of Comedy"! Don't you EVER bring up "King Of Comedy" around John Saleeby, Jerry Lewis Fan #1! Why is The Master in that dead ass movie? They could have put Alan King, Carl Reiner, Milton Berle, or half a dozen other old Jews sitting around the Friars Club wondering what the hell is so great about Richard Pryor in that stupid thing. Goddam movie is more than two hours long and not once does Jerry Lewis fall out of a window or get chased around by a guy in a black gorilla suit! Fuck, if Scorsese was dumb enough to waste Jerry Lewis like that I'm surprised he put Bob Dylan in "The Last Waltz" to sing a song. "What I'd like you do here, Bob, is sit in a chair and paint a birdhouse. You know, show a different aspect of your personality." He's so stupid he has Jerry Lewis just sit there looking annoyed while SANDRA BERNHARD jumps around like crazy person! Hold it down!?! NO, I WILL NOT HOLD IT FUCKING DOWN!!!
But you know what really chaps my ass about Martin Scorsese? That guy is such a dope he actually got divorced from Illeanna Douglas! I love Illeanna Douglas! If I was married to Illeanna Douglas I'd make her The Happiest Girl In The World! I'd hug her and kiss her and squeeze her and love her and hug her and kiss her and squeeze her and love her - I wish I was married to Illeanna Douglas! If I was married to Illeanna Douglas no way would I have time to waste with that big dumb DeNiro guy!
ROBERT DENIRO: Hey, John! Come on out! We're gonna make a movie!
JOHN SALEEBY: Beat it, DeNiro! I'm making French Toast for Illeanna!
REASON NUMBER ONE WHY I SAY MARTIN SCORSESE CAN BLOW ME
He let all the Cops, Parents, and Schoolteachers in on the Ol' "Sneak Into A School, Get A Fine Little Chick Stoned, And Get Her To Suck On Your Finger" Trick! Thanks a lot, Jerk! Man, for years me and all the other creeps have been sneaking into schools, getting fine little chicks stoned, and getting them to suck on our fingers and getting away with it. But then then STUPID STUPID Martin Scorsese had Robert DeNiro sneak into that school, get Juliette Lewis stoned, and have her suck on his finger right in the middle of "Cape Fear" where all The Squares could see it and nobody's been able to use the Ol' "Sneak Into A School, Get A Fine Little Chick Stoned, And Get Her To Suck On Your Finger" Trick without getting thrown into jail since! Thanks a lot for ruining a good thing for everybody, Martin Scorsese! Blow Me, Martin Scorsese! BLOW ME!!!
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John Saleeby wrote for The National Lampoon while he was in high school, was a stand up comic in New York, and has contributed to the net humor zines Schmuck.com, Campaign Central, and the legendary American Jerk. He's on medication now so he's probably a little nicer now than he was when you met him earlier. Email - email@example.com
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