Clint Eastwood can BLOW ME!!!

By John Saleeby
April 1, 2009

This may not seem like it has very much to do with Clint Eastwood to begin with, but ain't I got his name right there in the title of the article? Have a little faith, for God's sake! But, anyway, did you know that the first time "King Kong" was shown to an audience back in 1933 (When Clint Eastwood was only fifty six years old. See? There he is - Clint Eastwood!) the part of the movie where the guys were running around Skull Island looking at dinosaurs and freaking out originally included a scene in which they were attacked by giant spiders which was immediately cut out because it was so damn scarey all everybody in the audience did for the rest of the movie was scream and yell at each other about them goddam spiders! Kong was up there on top of the Empire State Building fighting for his Life against the US Army Air Corps and all those people were jabbering away like "Did you see when that one spider picked up that guy and bit him in half!?! I thought I was going to have a heart attack! My Gawd!!" Poor ol' Kong was like "Excuse me! I'm on top of the Empire State Building!! Hello!? Should I sing a little number? Jeepers Creepers, where'd you get those peepers? Jeepers Creepers . . . " On the way out of the theater all anybody had to say to the Producers was "Those spiders - WHOA! Why'd you make a movie about a monkey? If you had made a whole movie about those spiders you'd really have something!!" So they cut their losses and put out the movie about the monkey without the spiders "Crap!"

The other night I was watching Mister Clint Eastwood's "Changeling" and felt as if I had traveled back in Time to that theater full of people screaming about spiders. "Changeling" stars Angelina Jolie as a woman with no tattoos who's little boy disapears and when the Police return him she swears that it's the wrong kid. So that's a pretty interesting idea for a movie, right? Is it really her Son? Have the Police made a mistake? Is the Lady crazy? Where are all her tattoos? When are we gonna get a look at some of that Angelina ass? I was really into "Changeling" until - BLAM!!! Eastwood introduced a serial killer who'd gotten hold of the kid and slammed me right on top of the head with a scene of this maniac going into a chicken coop full of screaming little kids and chopping them all up with an axe. GODDAM!! Was I watching the same movie? I don't mind telling you that I was sick to my stomach for the next half hour. Angelina and John Malkovich and that guy with the great teeth on "Burn Notice" were talking and talking all over the place about God Only Knows what, I was hallucinating maniacs going into chicken coops full of little kids and chopping them up with an axe, for all I know Lara Croft was on top of the Empire State Building knocking down model airplanes. By the time I worked up enough nerve to come from out of hiding behind the sofa "Changeling" had turned into a female psychiatric hospital version of "One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest" - I have no idea why, was there a musical production number about cellophane somewhere in there? I still don't know what John Malkovich was up to. He shoulda played the maniac! You just know he's up to something - He's John Malkovich! After the DVD was over I pretended I was walking out of the first screening of "Changeling" and telling Clint Eastwood "Why didn't you make a movie about the maniac and the chicken coop? Why'd you make a movie about a fine bitch who never took her clothes off? If you had made a movie about the maniac and the chicken coop you'd really have something!!" You just know that the "King Kong" crew was up in Movie Heaven going "Cut out the maniac and the chicken coop! Cut out the maniac and the chicken coop!" but Clint Eastwood is so dumb that if he had Directed "King Kong" he would have said "Eh, just leave the damn spiders in. What the hell . . . " and the movie would have gone down the toilet. Just like "Changeling" did!

Now, every Great Director has his Dud - Howard Hawks has the one with John Wayne and Red Buttons but Wayne never beats the shit out of Buttons even once, Jerry Lewis has the one with Sammy Davis Jr. and Peter Lawford . . . I need to lay down, and the Japanese dude who Directed "Battle Royale" has "The Green Slime" (No wonder he died of cancer). But "Changeling" is so bad it knocks Clint Eastwood out of the "Great Director" category and right into whatever category is just a couple steps above the one with Red Buttons, Peter Lawford, and whatever damn fool was wearing that Green Slime rubber monster suit.

Seriously, folks - What the hell happened to Clint Eastwood? He used to be so cool. Did those left wing queers at Rolling Stone brainwash him? No, that was Bruce Springsteen.

Not that Clint Eastwood hasn't Directed some good movies. But so has Robert Aldrich and you never hear anybody going around talking about Robert Aldrich. You hear a lot of people going around talking about Robert Altman and if that's the closest thing I'll ever get to a lot of people talking about Robert Aldrich I'll take it. So screw all those people going around talking about Clint Eastwood, I'll just pretend that they're talking about Clint Howard. I bet Clint Howard would have been smart enought to cut the maniac and the chicken coop.

So, yeah - That was the paragraph about Clint Eastwood's good movies. That's how much I care about Clint Eastwood's good movies. People are always talking to me about what a "great" movie "The Pale Rider" is. I'm glad they have something to keep them awake but shouldn't they be getting back to the Home in time for Afternoon Oatmeal? Leave me alone before I knock you out of your wheelie cart and sell it for crack. Fuck you and your Robert Duvall! What Eastwood's movies lack in humor, sex appeal, and visual flair they more than make up for with the same kind of No Bullshit All American Common Sense that drives healthy adolescents to sneak out bedroom windows and drive around smoking dope all night. I bet Clint Eastwood movies are the only recent releases that are available on VHS. You'll never see Clint Eastwood jumping around with all that newfangled Kung Fu commotion - It ain't Cnristian!

Speaking of My Main Man Robert Aldrich, why isn't Clint Eastwood in "The Dirty Dozen"? Charles Bronson is in it but they couldn't get Clint Eastwood? They couldn't put up the extra twenty five thousand dollars? "Oh, if we get Eastwood we'll have to cut the Wacky Comedy Sequence with Donald Sutherland pretending to be a General." Killing Studio Executives could get to be a habit ("Dirty Dozen" humor)

Hey, Wil Forbis - You're out in California where Clint Eastwood lives, next time you see him I want you to holler "I don't know who you are anymore, man!!" for me. For me? Do it for America! Well, not the North East. Those geeks probably think "Gran Torino" is an improvement over "Magnum Force" - Screw em! Once there was a time when you had to worry about getting shot by Clint Eastwood fans. What will they do if you offend em now? Make jokes about you listening to Sean Hannity? I can't imagine what kind of jokes those people make, they like Tina Fey! I bet Clint Eastwood likes Tina Fey and I'm sure Tina Fey likes Clint Eastwood - Has the Universe gone mad?!? Is Ted Nugent making a guest appearance on the next Pearl Jam album? Everything is upside down! If I jump off of a skyscraper it will still kill me, right? Or will I fly up into the sky and turn into Peter Pan? Am I really the only one here who thinks that would be a bad thing?

There's more to Life than being Right.

John Saleeby wrote for The National Lampoon while he was in high school, was a stand up comic in New York, and has contributed to the net humor zines Schmuck.com, Campaign Central, and the legendary American Jerk. He's on medication now so he's probably a little nicer now than he was when you met him earlier. Email - jacksaleeby1@hotmail.com