"the birds and the bees"
By Adam Lewis
I had the pleasure of letting my parents stay at my house for a few days. My roommates, Wendy and Tom weren't too thrilled. I told them it was only going to be a few days because my parent's house was being re-sided and my father didn't want to deal with the noise. My roommates didn't seem to mind but after what happened, I am sure our apartment is off limits for some time to come.
Being a good son, I let my parents have my bedroom. I have a queen size bed, and thought they would be comfortable there as I slept on the futon. After I woke up the next day I went up to my room to get some clothes to wear. I opened the door and there, to my dismay, were my parents lying naked on my bed. I am not upset that my parents are still having sex nor do I shiver at the thought of it, but on my bed? I hadn't had the chance to sexually break it in myself.
I stood there frozen with my mouth open staring at the hideous site of my new bed broken in by my parents. I'd never had a bed in which I got to have sex first and now my parents beat me to it. How can I have sex on that bed knowing my fathers' sperm was most likely all crusted on my sheets? My mother woke up as I was standing there and she quickly got under the covers and then covered my father up.
"Can't you knock?" my mom yelled.
"It's my room."
Then my father woke up. "Morning son." he said as he winked and nodded his head at me.
"Hey dad." I said with an effortless wave of my hand.
Then my mom tried to explain, "It's not what it looks like..."
My father interrupted, "Like hell it isn't, your old man scored last night ha ha ha ha!"
"Oh Jesus," I said as I rolled my eyes.
My mom continued, "We are married and that's ok, you know we do love each other and there are things you have to know when you get older. Because when two consenting adults engage in intercourse..."
I grabbed some clothes from my dresser as my mom ranted on then I turned and slammed my door shut. I wasn't about to hear my mom explain sex to me at the age of twenty-seven. I ran downstairs and started leaning against my stairway door holding my stomach as if I was about to throw up. My roommate Tom was up and about getting ready for work, he walked past me and gave me a weird look, and then he backed up and asked if I were okay.
I slid my back down the door and sat on the floor, "No I am not okay, I just saw both my parents naked. They had sex on my bed."
A look of disgust came across his face; "You didn't even break it in yourself yet did you?"
I just shook my head 'no' in response. Then I said, "Think about how I feel. Imagine your parents doing that on your bed."
Tom wiggled his body as if he had a cold chill run down his back as he said, "Thank you for that mental image. Oh man, that is gross!"
Wendy poked her head out from her bedroom, "Will you two keep it down? I don't have to work today and I want to sleep in."
Tom turned and said; "Adam's parents had sex on his bed last night."
As Wendy started to close the door behind her she made a face as if she also wanted to puke. Before she could close the door I asked, "Why aren't you going to work today?"
"I had a bad dream."
As I stood back up I said with a strained tone, "I have entered another frequency of existence, my parents had sex on my bed last night and this one," I said pointing at Wendy, "can't go to work because of a bad dream"
I spend the next eight hours tooling around town, spending money on food and videos. When I arrived back home Tom was back from work and Wendy's car was in the same spot as it was when I left, she hadn't left at all during the day. I felt sorry for her, there, alone with my parents. When I walked in my mom called for me to come into the living room but before I did, I poured myself a glass of water. I walked into the living room and there my roommates were sitting on the love seat with blank expressions, in front of the television my parents had one of those home movie screens set up and a slide projector pointed at it.
"You aren't showing old slides of me as a kid are you?"
My father said, "No, just sit down and shut up for a while."
I pointed at the movie screen and said, "Then what's all this about, the screen, the projector and.."
My mother interrupted, "Your father and I decided that the reason you were so upset this morning was because you haven't any understanding of sex. This morning we over heard you and your roommates talking about sex and we came to the conclusion how uncomfortable you three are with intercourse and sexuality. So we decided it would be in your best interests to teach you three the subject of the birds and the bees. Sex is nothing to be embarrassed about, the act creates life, you three wouldn't be here today if your parents hadn't engaged in adult activities. Sex is something two people do when they love each other, but these days it has become more of an entertainment you kids like to partake in. Love has become a folk tale when combined with sex nowadays."
I put down my glass of water and stood up, "What the hell, mom, we're all adults, we already know about sex and this situation is getting to be out of hand and just plain ridiculous."
My father raised a backhand at me, yelling, "Don't talk to your mother that way."
I became defensive, "Well it is ridiculous, a speech about love, a slide projection show of God knows what, what else do you have in store for us? A multiple choice test?"
"Actually," my mom said to me, "there is a test, two essays and fill in the blanks, but not multiple choice." She proceeded to hand out the test so no questions would be a surprise. I looked over the test and couldn't believe some of the questions that my mom expected us to answer. For example on of the essay questions was, Name three of your favorite sexual positions in which you have engaged in and how you liked them the best. There is no way I was going to write an essay on that and have my parents read and critique my answers. There is something mentally wrong with a guy's parents who want to know such details. What they do with those details is even more disturbing.
As I tossed the test on the coffee table my mom ordered, "Now Phil, pull the shades and Trish turn the lights off you are closest to the lights switch."
Then the slide projector turned on and the first slide was a naked female body, my mother's. I sank into my chair and started to rub my eyes with my hands in disbelief and stress.
"Adam, don't hide your face, there is no reason to be embarrassed about seeing your mommy naked when you are learning about the birds and the bees."
"Yeah son, me and your mother had fun taking these photos." My father said staring at the screen.
I looked up at the ceiling to avoid any kind of eye contact with the screen, "I'm not embarrassed I just can't believe we are all sitting here looking at nude photos of my mother so I can learn about a subject I already know about."
Then my mother hit the button and the next slide came on the screen.
Pointing with a wooden mixing spoon my mom explained, "Here we have the female genitalia the vagina, or 'pussy' as you kids call them."
My roommate Wendy interjected, "Mrs. Lewis, I like to call mine 'Fuzzy Wuzzy' because if you do the whole 'Fuzzy Wuzzy' poem you learn that he had no hair, like my vaginal area."
"Well Mr. Lewis likes to call his penis 'Turtle', don't you dear?"
My father shook his head yes and rolled his eyes, apparently she had shared too much information for my father, though, given the circumstances, I'm not sure how she did.
My mom started to walk back and forth in front of the screen, explaining that my father called his penis "Turtle" because like a real turtle its head pokes out and in back towards it's "shell" or in this case, his scrotum. Then my mom stopped right in front of the screen and the picture of her vagina was projected right into her actual crotch area. As she stood there she said, "Anyone have any questions so far?" There was no response from my roommates or myself. "None? Okay, Phil flip to the next slide will you please."
The photo that was now projected onto my mother's crotch was my father's penis; this image was even more disturbing than the last. The image of my mother with a penis was just enough to get me to rise out of my seat and leave the room, but my father yelled and told me to, if I may be so crass to quote him, "Sit the fuck down!" So I did so.
My father motioned for my mother to get out from in front of the screen with a violent hand wave, my mom looked down and said, "Since this image was an accident, it isn't in real life, we'll get to hermaphrodites later on in the lesson. Anyway," My mom said sidestepping to the left, "here we have the male genitalia, also know as a penis, as you can see these to pictures side by side demonstrate the flaccid penis and the erect penis. Now I know the erect penis is just the upside down version of the flaccid picture on the right, reason being, Phil was having problems getting it up that day. Son one day you may have that problem, its ok if it does, just don't drink so much alcohol and it won't happen at your age."
This was getting out of hand and I couldn't take it anymore, I was twenty-seven, I'd had sex numerous times. I didn't need a lesson. I got up and headed out of the room ignoring the harsh words of my father yelling at me to sit down. I went out into the kitchen and poured a bowl of cereal. While I was eating I heard my mom say, "And the next slide is of the penetration of the male and female genitals during the act of mating." That remark prompted me to toss an entire delicious bowl of Lucky Charms into the garbage.
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