Beer Versus Coffee

By John Saleeby

May 1st, 2013

What do you drink when you need to get your brain running all nice and smooth? A bottle of Beer or a couple of cups of Coffee? I don't know, I just huffed a gallon of Paint Thinner. Then I lit up a pipe full of Kitty Litter and my house exploded. But what's The Best - Beer or Coffee? Let's do one of those Acid Logic "This Versus That" articles and figure it out! Hhhhmmm . . . I was drinking Coffee when I wrote all of those other "Versus" articles, maybe I should Write this one after I drink some Beer . . .

Beer! Beer! Beer is THE BEST!! BEER! BEER! YEAH!!! BEEEEER!!! WOO HOO!!! BEERBEERBEER!!! COFFEE SUCKS!!! COFFEE BLOOOOOOWS!!! BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEER!!! And then eleven pages about Jane Fonda's ass in "Cat Ballou". Hhhhhmmmm . . .

What Time Is It?
I don't want to miss the afternoon reruns of "King Of Queens" on TBS! Seriously, the Time Of Day is also important in choosing between Beer and Coffee. Who drinks Beer in the Morning? I haven't hung out with those kind of guys since I was doing Choreography for Motorhead (I wasn't really their Choreographer, I just tell my Mom that). Anybody who drinks Beer when starting out their Day is not afraid of spending their Night in Police Custody. Those Who About To Commute Salute You! But there are guys who can drink Beer any time of the day without getting in trouble - Very successful Businessmen and Bums living on The Street. They don't have very much in common otherwise. Unless you are Writing Jokes for "The Daily Show".

Coffee is The Official Drink Of The American Morning! Walk around without a cardboard Starbucks cup the size of your refrigerator and you might as well wear a cardboard sign reading "HOMELESS IRAQ WAR VET WILL WORK FOR DO NUTS". If I turn on a Morning TV Talk Show and they aren't holding mugs with that particular Morning TV Talk Show's logo on them I assume they've been up all night and are talking about how nice it would be to lay down on the floor and get some "Z"s. But what about after you've been at work for a few hours and you've already had three or four cups? That's where we separate The Men from The Wild Eyed Teeth Grinding Maniacs. Luckily for The Wild Eyed Teeth Grinding Maniacs this is America and without you creeps around to scare the shit out of everybody nothing would ever get done so, by all means, keep right on drinking that Coffee all day long. You may need Coffee to keep yourself going until Quitting Time, for the rest of us the threat of you getting all up in our face with everthing you've already said to us three hundred times before and three hundred times as loud is more than enough to keep us working. Just stay at your desk and leave us alone. No, no, don't get up to go to the Coffee Machine! You might see something that gives you an idea for a three hour Monologue! We'll bring you all the Coffee you want! Just sit there drinking Coffee and making gurgling noises.

I do not recommend drinking Beer at Work. Drink Beer on the Job and you will soon find yourself wandering around outside wondering why you ever went inside that place to begin with. Am I saying that if you drink Beer on the Job the Boss will throw you out on your ear? Maybe, but even if you don't get Fired you will soon be out on your ear no matter what your Boss does. And your ear will be a very big deal because all you can do better after drinking Beer than before drinking Beer is listening to Bad Music. Beer and Bad Music go together like My Dixie Chicken and Your Tennessee Lamb, combine a few cases of Miller and some Metallica and we will Walk Together Down In Dixieland . . . DOWN IN DIXIELAND!!! But never, absolutely NEVER, listen to Bad Music after drinking Coffee! You will wind up Writing Record Reviews for your Local Left Wing Weekly Newspaper and make an ass of yourself using the word "Bloated" every time some band puts out a Double Album. Leave that to the Wild Eyed Teeth Grinding Maniacs!

How Much Money You Got?
Both Beer and Coffee can be quite inexpensive as long as you don't mind making a "Sour" face and yelling "GOD DAMN!!!" every time you take a sip. Guys who are always making a "Sour" face and yelling "GOD DAMN!!!" can be kind of unpleasant to have around but at least when a guy is that unpleasant he can't put anything over on you. You think we'd be stuck with Obamacare if the White House had the same kind of Coffee Machine they've got at the place you bring your Car to get the oil changed? And let's face it, guys who purr "Mmmm . . . " with pleasure after sipping a beverage are definitely out to put something over on you. If you insist on rich, satisfying flavor from what you are pouring down your gut try to restrain from the "Mmmm . . . " stuff. What are you, one of those Wine people that the taste of what is in your mouth is something you have to voice every time you have a bit? It's only Beer or Coffee, man, just drink it and get around to doing whatever you are getting ready to do. You want to spend a lot of Money on a cup of Coffee or a bottle of Beer? Thanks a lot for doing your part for the United States Economy. Or the German Economy if you're spending a lot of money on a bottle of Beer. Otherwise, just get your cup of Coffee from the broken down old piece of crap Coffee Machine at the Office or your bottle of Beer from the broken down old piece of crap Beer Machine at the Budweiser Brewery.

The Buzz
Enough Bullshit! Nobody cares about Beer or Coffee, Alcohol or Caffeine is what it's all about! Alcohol gets a bad rap. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know all about Drunk Driving, Domestic Violence, and all those shitty Mickey Spillane Paperbacks, what about the POSITIVE side of Alcohol? What about picking up a Two By Four and cracking some punk over the head for putting down "Freddy Got Fingered"? That will always be one of my most cherished Memories, although if the Cops ask me about it I was upstairs working on my Watercolors at the time. Alcohol is GOOD! So what if Vince Neil couldn't operate a vehicle while under the influence? I'm under the influence right now and just watch me make it through that Yellow Light before it turns Red! Uh oh, I didn't make it because when I wrote "through" just now I got to the bottom of the page and had to turn the notebook around and when I did that I took my hands off of the wheel and smashed into a van full of Senior Citizens. Alcohol's fault? No, that was Writing's fault. Drinking And Driving is Cool but Drinking And Driving And Writing is BAD! That's why Nikki Sixx does all the Writing in Motley Crue. Yeah.

Yo! Where does Caffeine get this Cute, Cuddly Michael J. Fox image? If Caffeine had been on "Family Ties" it woulda knocked Meredeth Baxter Birney's teeth out and left Justine Bateman tied to a tree way out in the middle of the Woods. Is that what happened to her? Caffeine is an evil nasty vicious drug and if it was available in Powder form Cuban Psychos would be sticking their faces into huge piles of it on top o' their desks while their piece of ass little Sisters carried on like they'd just chugged down a buncha them Iced Lattes at Dunkin Do Nuts.

And Now, Beer Or Coffee? The Winner . . .

Coffee! Coffee! Coffee is THE BEST!! COFFEE! COFFEE! YEAH!!! COFFEEEEE!!! WOO HOO!!! COFFEECOFFEECOFFEE!!! SPRINGSTEEN SUCKS!!! SPRINGSTEEN BLOOOOOOWS!!! COFFEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!! And then thirty seven pages about Bridget Bardot's ass in "Contempt".

Oh, and those Coffee Beer Combo Drinks? Fuck you!