Beer Versus Coffee
By John Saleeby
May 1st, 2013
What do you drink when you need to get your brain running all nice and smooth? A bottle of Beer or a couple of cups of Coffee? I don't know, I just huffed a gallon of Paint Thinner. Then I lit up a pipe full of Kitty Litter and my house exploded. But what's The Best - Beer or Coffee? Let's do one of those Acid Logic "This Versus That" articles and figure it out! Hhhhmmm . . . I was drinking Coffee when I wrote all of those other "Versus" articles, maybe I should Write this one after I drink some Beer . . .
Beer! Beer! Beer is THE BEST!! BEER! BEER! YEAH!!! BEEEEER!!! WOO HOO!!! BEERBEERBEER!!! COFFEE SUCKS!!! COFFEE BLOOOOOOWS!!! BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEER!!! And then eleven pages about Jane Fonda's ass in "Cat Ballou". Hhhhhmmmm . . .
What Time Is It?
Coffee is The Official Drink Of The American Morning! Walk around without a cardboard Starbucks cup the size of your refrigerator and you might as well wear a cardboard sign reading "HOMELESS IRAQ WAR VET WILL WORK FOR DO NUTS". If I turn on a Morning TV Talk Show and they aren't holding mugs with that particular Morning TV Talk Show's logo on them I assume they've been up all night and are talking about how nice it would be to lay down on the floor and get some "Z"s. But what about after you've been at work for a few hours and you've already had three or four cups? That's where we separate The Men from The Wild Eyed Teeth Grinding Maniacs. Luckily for The Wild Eyed Teeth Grinding Maniacs this is America and without you creeps around to scare the shit out of everybody nothing would ever get done so, by all means, keep right on drinking that Coffee all day long. You may need Coffee to keep yourself going until Quitting Time, for the rest of us the threat of you getting all up in our face with everthing you've already said to us three hundred times before and three hundred times as loud is more than enough to keep us working. Just stay at your desk and leave us alone. No, no, don't get up to go to the Coffee Machine! You might see something that gives you an idea for a three hour Monologue! We'll bring you all the Coffee you want! Just sit there drinking Coffee and making gurgling noises.
I do not recommend drinking Beer at Work. Drink Beer on the Job and you will soon find yourself wandering around outside wondering why you ever went inside that place to begin with. Am I saying that if you drink Beer on the Job the Boss will throw you out on your ear? Maybe, but even if you don't get Fired you will soon be out on your ear no matter what your Boss does. And your ear will be a very big deal because all you can do better after drinking Beer than before drinking Beer is listening to Bad Music. Beer and Bad Music go together like My Dixie Chicken and Your Tennessee Lamb, combine a few cases of Miller and some Metallica and we will Walk Together Down In Dixieland . . . DOWN IN DIXIELAND!!! But never, absolutely NEVER, listen to Bad Music after drinking Coffee! You will wind up Writing Record Reviews for your Local Left Wing Weekly Newspaper and make an ass of yourself using the word "Bloated" every time some band puts out a Double Album. Leave that to the Wild Eyed Teeth Grinding Maniacs!
How Much Money You Got?
Yo! Where does Caffeine get this Cute, Cuddly Michael J. Fox image? If Caffeine had been on "Family Ties" it woulda knocked Meredeth Baxter Birney's teeth out and left Justine Bateman tied to a tree way out in the middle of the Woods. Is that what happened to her? Caffeine is an evil nasty vicious drug and if it was available in Powder form Cuban Psychos would be sticking their faces into huge piles of it on top o' their desks while their piece of ass little Sisters carried on like they'd just chugged down a buncha them Iced Lattes at Dunkin Do Nuts.
And Now, Beer Or Coffee? The Winner . . .
Coffee! Coffee! Coffee is THE BEST!! COFFEE! COFFEE! YEAH!!! COFFEEEEE!!! WOO HOO!!! COFFEECOFFEECOFFEE!!! SPRINGSTEEN SUCKS!!! SPRINGSTEEN BLOOOOOOWS!!! COFFEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!! And then thirty seven pages about Bridget Bardot's ass in "Contempt".
Oh, and those Coffee Beer Combo Drinks? Fuck you!
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