"You Say It's Your Birthday"

By John Saleeby
March 1st, 2014

It's not unusual to hear someone that was Born on December 25 complain about what a drag it is to have their Birthday on Christmas. A "drag", huh? What do you think it is like to have been Born on February 9, the date of the Beatles' appearance on "The Ed Sullivan Show"? That couldn't be any more of a "drag" if you were forced to wear a wig and a dress and were pulled behind a Pick Up Truck down a dirt road for twenty five miles. A "drag"! Maybe having your Birthday on Christmas was a "drag" back in the Good Old Days before those Beatles Bozos destroyed Western Civilization but now that more Americans worship John Lennon as the Messiah than---Uh, you know . . . That guy who died on the Cross . . . I don't want to mention his name . . . I might get in trouble with CNN---there are probably more people in America who celebrate John Lennon's Birthday than Christmas. I mean, there are probably more people in America who celebrate John Lennon's Birthday than XMAS! Good thing I caught that! Whew!

People who were Born on December 25 seem to think that if you were Born on something like April 28 everybody in the World is mailing you Birthday Cards and watching some decades old Rankin Bass TV Special about your Life Narrated by Burl Ives "Do you recall the most famous Orthodontist of all? Ed Flynn, the Chicago Orthodontist . . . " but if you were Born on December 25 everybody is mailing everybody Christmas Cards and you get one with "MERRY CHRISTMAS" scribbled out and "HAPPIE BURTHDAY" scribbled in. And, of course, Ed Flynn is getting bombed on Egg Nog and when his kids sing along with "Rudolph Rednosed Reindeer" he says "Hey! I thought that Song was about ME!" "Shut up, Dad!" Well, get over it, Born On December 25 Cry Babies! The way you cry and moan people would think that on Christmas it is impossible to get a Birthday Cake cause everybody is too busy dashing through the snow in a One Horse Open Sleigh or something. Oh, you can get a Birthday Cake on Christmas. But just try getting a Birthday Cake on February 9, The Sacred Anniversary Of The Beatle's Appearance On "The Ed Sullivan Show"! The Birth of the Christian Faith is a puddle of beer on your Living Room floor during the Super Bowl compared to The Birth Of the Baby Boomer Brouhaha! Oh yeah, on February 9 they might try to bake you a Birthday Cake, but they'll be so wacked out from smoking Marijuana and tripping on Acid they'll start "experimenting" with cake batter made out of Light Bulbs and Kitty Litter instead of Eggs and Flour - FAR OUT, MAN!

And, yeah - You may have gathered by now that I was Born on February 9. No, you didn't! You were too busy watching videos of The Beatles on "The Ed Sullivan Show" and talking about Ringo's Jacket and George's Teeth to give me a moment's thought. That's okay, I'm used to it. I was Born on February 9, 1961 (Hey! I'm younger than Peter Buck!!!) and The Beatles were on the Sullivan Show on February 9, 1964. My Parent's celebrated my Third Birthday with Cake, Ice Cream, and a whole bunch of really great Presents. That night "The Ed Sullivan Show" featuring a British Pop Band called The Beatles was broadcast. One year later I spent my Fourth Birthday all alone in our Teepee while Mom was out on the Street selling herself to strangers for drugs and Dad was on the Subway playing "She Loves You" on a Kazoo for spare change. The Home Movie for my Fifth Birthday was Directed by a man named Andy Warhol and had a Birthday Cake that you inhaled with your nose instead of eating with your mouth. When am I gonna get a decent Birthday Cake out of this World? Don't come bitching to me about how miserable it is to hear everybody Singing Christmas Carols like "Jingle Bells" and "Silent Night" instead of "Happy Birthday". You think I've ever had anybody Sing "Happy Birthday" to me? All I ever hear on my Birthday is Beatles On Ed Sullivan Carols like "Paul! Paul! Oh, My God! Paul!!" or "George! George! I Love You! George!" You think that record of Stevie Nicks Singing "Silent Night" is bad, how about the one of that bitch Sing "George! George! I Love You! George!" It sucks!

The only person who might be able to understand how crummy it is to have your Birthday on February 9 is a Really Cute Redheaded High School Girl whose Sweet Sixteen Birthday coincides with her stupid Older Sister's Wedding. Oh, Man! That would be terrible! And then she has to go in to School on Saturday for Detention! And then she's in Love with a guy who seems to be gay and her Best Buddy who seems to be gay is in Love with her and her Dad is Harry Dean Stanton! Uh oh! I seem to be at the point where I drank too much Coffee and I'm just Writing stuff to feel like Ernest Hemingway and three days later I just throw it out with the trash. And by "throw it out with the trash" I mean "Send it to Acid Logic". Hey, what Date was it when Wil Forbis was on "The Andy Dick Show"?

John Saleeby wrote for The National Lampoon while he was in high school, was a stand up comic in New York, and has contributed to the net humor zines Schmuck.com, Campaign Central, and the legendary American Jerk. He's on medication now so he's probably a little nicer now than he was when you met him earlier. Email - jacksaleeby1@hotmail.com