“I GOT SMOKE IN MY EYES!!!” John Saleeby Looks At Barbecue!
By John Saleeby
December 1st, 2014
People aren’t happy until they can make a Big Deal over something nobody is even thinking about. Like the Academy Awards - Used to be people would see a Movie and then forget all about it until whoever Starred in it died of Cancer. Then they could say “Oh, yeah! He was in that Movie . . . What was it called? Aw, you know . . . The one with . . . Poor bastard!” Today nobody goes to the Movies at all but when it’s time for the Academy Awards it’s the biggest thing since Pearl Harbor. Not the attack on Pearl Harbor - The Movie about the attack . . . What was it called? Aw, you know . . . The one with . . . Poor bastard!
It’s the same way with Barbecue. I can’t believe that something as simple as Barbecue would get to be such a Big Deal that I, John Saleeby, would be Writing an article about it. But when a Nation of three hundred thousand morons make a whole lot of noise about it even someone as oblivious to everything as John Saleeby is gonna tell em to shut the fuck up. But go to a Book Store, look at the Food Section, and you will find so many Books about Barbecue you will understand why nobody goes to the Book Store any more.
Not that there is anything wrong with the basic concept of making a fire, cooking a big ol’ hunk o’ meat, and eating it - People have been doing that for years! Ever see that Movie “Quest For Fire”? (John Writes about eight hundred pages of stuff about Rae Dawn Chong’s nude scenes in “Quest For Fire” that we’ll save until Rae Dawn Chong makes a Big Comeback and one of the big Publishers wants to do a Book about her. Eh . . . Just throw it all out!) “Quest For Fire is all about the Cave Man Days when Barbecue was what Human Existence was all about! But they didn’t call it “Barbecue” because they didn’t call anything anything. They didn’t even have the Academy Awards! Now, that was Living. But this Movie is super suspenseful because they don’t know how to make a fire so the “making a fire, cooking a big ol’ hunk ol’ meat, and eating it” thing was as monumental a challenge as blowing up the Guns in “The Guns Of Navarone”. Was Rae Dawn Chong in “The Guns Of Navarone”? Screw that Movie! So if there was ever a bunch of people who were entitled to make a Big Deal over Barbecue it was the “Quest For Fire” Crew. But people today? Shut the fuck up!
They should stop talking about Barbecue and start talking about Salads for a while. Talking about a Salad makes sense because what else are you going to do with one? The only thing that can make eating a Salad interesting is talking about it while you are eating it. Talking about eating a Salad to someone who is also eating a Salad at the same time, I mean. No one else is going to give a shit. But if I’m eating a Salad and you are eating a Salad at the same time listening to you say things like “Now I am going to eat a slice of Tomato!” would be very interesting. Salads will bring us together to Live in Peace and Harmony! Unless you are using Ranch Dressing. Then I hate you! And then for the Big Action Packed Finale one of us will find a BUG in our Salad and run up and down the Street screaming like a little bitch for half an hour. That would be great! But nobody ever found a bug in their Barbecue because with Barbecue the bug would just be some crummy little burned up black lump that you wouldn’t even notice. Maybe that’s a Good Thing, maybe that’s a Bad Thing. We would have to ask the bug to be sure. But these days people are so prissy about Barbecue the only thing that would get somebody running up and down the Street screaming like a little bitch for half an hour is if you used the wrong kind of Sauce or something.
Oh, don’t get these guys started on SAUCE! You think anybody in “Quest For Fire” was worried about Sauce? Mankind was Barbecuing for eons before Sauce ever came up in conversation. Sauce! I hate you! All we’re doing here is burning up meat in the backyard and pretending to be Fred Flintstone cooking a Pterodactyl, what do we need Sauce for? Yeah! “The Flintstones”! We ought to do a Hanna Barbara style version of “Quest For Fire” with Fred and Barney going around looking for fire. That would hysterical! I bet when they were planning to make “Quest For Fire” some nincompoop wanted to make “Quest For Sauce”! But Rae Dawn Chong said no way was she going to get naked in a Movie about Sauce and that was that! Ha!
Well, that’s it for the Acid Logic Barbecue article! I’d Write more but Rae Dawn Chong paid some guy to shoot me and the EMT Crew is taking me to the Hospital. Next Month - SUSHI! Hey, Jim Gaffigan is always joking about Food, anything that guy can do I can do, too! Except make a Living doing Comedy. Ha. Ha ha ha! HAW HAW HAW!!! Eh, shit! Hey, EMT dudes, forget the Hospital. Just leave me out in the Woods. Let the Possums have me. Before I die I’ll make a fire for em.
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John Saleeby wrote for The National Lampoon while he was in high school, was a stand up comic in New York, and has contributed to the net humor zines Schmuck.com, Campaign Central, and the legendary American Jerk. He's on medication now so he's probably a little nicer now than he was when you met him earlier. Email - email@example.com
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