Bands with Brothers
By John Saleeby
July 1st, 2017
The first Brothers were Cain and Abel and we all know how that turned out. What was their Last Name? Hernandez? Ha Ha Ha! But as Cain and Abel showed us, being Brothers is a turbulent thing and having two or three of them in the same Rock N’ Roll Band is TROUBLE! Did you know Cain flipped out because Abel was doing a Solo Album? “Yeah, man, I’ve been workin’ on some stuff in my Home Studio . . . A little Funk, a little Reggae . . . “ Just think how exciting The Beatles would have been if John and Paul had been Brothers! All their Songs would have been about which one their Mom liked the most. “A Day In The Life” might have really meant something! “Mom made French Toast for you today? Oh, Boy!” If George and Ringo had been Brothers their Sister would have still been cuter than Linda or Yoko. What if Keith Moon had a Brother that played the Trombone? Do you know the kind of damage you can do to a Motel Room with a Trombone? So it is a Good Thing Keith Moon did not have a Brother that played the Trombone. I’m glad something meaningful has come out of this. What? OZZY has a Brother that played the Trombone? CRAP!
The History of Bands With Brothers is an UGLY UGLY thing. Why didn’t this appear in Acid Logic earlier?
The Beach Boys
The Wilson Brothers are The Beatles of Rock Band Brothers. Brian was the Troubled Genius, Dennis was the Charming Rebel, and Carl was the Nervous Guy Hiding Underneath The Couch. Brian’s first step toward becoming a Innovative Record Producer was sliding a Microphone under the Couch so Carl could sing Background Vocals. Everybody blames their Father Murray for the way these freaks turned out. Yeah, Murray was a prick but, just to be even more of a prick, I say let’s dump everything on their Mom for a change - What a BITCH! “Hey, Mom! We’re gonna go Surfin’ again no matter what you say! Screw you! Quit yelling at us about bringing sand in all over the House! Shut up! And we’re bringing Charlie Manson over for Dinner! We don’t care what you say - He’s a Cool Guy!” Well, at least that was different.
No doubt about it, Eddie and Alex Van Halen are ASSHOLES. Everybody they have ever dealt with wound up getting screwed over - David Lee Roth, Sammy Hagar, Michael Anthony, Valerie Bertinelli, KISS - Yeah! KISS wanted Eddie to be their new Guitar Player when Ace Frehley quit but Eddie and Alex pushed Paul Stanley down an Elevator Shaft and stuffed a Roman Candle up Gene Simmons’ nose! I HATE EDDIE AND ALEX VAN HALEN!!! Right now Eddie’s Kid Wolfgang is playing Bass in Van Halen but just wait and see how long until Eddie and Alex give him The Peter Criss Treatment. Oh, did I forget to tell you what those creeps did to Peter Criss?
No, wait, I don’t want to tip off Wolfgang - It’ll be really fuckin’ funny to see them do it to him. Cause he’s FAT.
Ray and Dave Davies hate each other so much that if all that Hostility had been channeled onto the Outside World we would all be dead. Wait, that didn’t turn out to be very funny, did it? Ray and Dave are just kind of sad because they seem to be really nice guys. The Gallagher Brothers in Oasis hate each other but who cares? They’re retards! Uh oh! The Gallaghers read that bit about channeling Hostility onto the Outside World and now England, Scotland, and most of Ireland are on FIRE! Will Ray and Dave Davies be able to put aside their differences long enough to save us from the Gallagher Death Machine? Nah, Ray has a stupid Solo Album to market. “Americana”? Maybe Dave has a point.
Angus and Malcolm Young seem to have always gotten along by Rock Band Brother Standards. The only conflict between these two is that Angus plays Guitar a lot better than Malcolm so he’s the one who gets to dress up in a School Boy Costume and play all the Solos. I’m sure Malcolm would have liked to play a few Solos and dress up in a Grizzly Bear Costume ( That’s what he would have dressed up in if only he could have played well enough to play Solos and dress up in a Funny Costume - A Funny Grizzly Bear Costume ) but, unfortunately for Malcolm, Angus plays better than him. Much better than him. A LOT better. Angus plays better than Malcolm ever could! That’s what their Mom and Dad said. They said it all the Time! They said it a LOT! But Malcolm never complained. He just stood there playing Rhythm Guitar and looking like some guy who repairs Air Conditioners for a Living until one Day he had a STROKE! Yeah, Malcolm had a STROKE so he couldn’t play any more and they brought in a Cousin or a Nephew or some other Young Family Member to play Rhythm Guitar in AC/DC while Malcolm sat in a chair and a Roadie changed his Diaper. Do they even let him wear a Grizzly Bear Costume every now and then? You ever tried to change a guy’s Diaper while he’s wearing a Grizzly Bear Costume? Fuck that!
Everybody knows that Moe and Shemp were Brothers but did you know that CURLIE was their Brother, too? HA HA HA! Stooges Jokes! Stooges Jokes! I’m Sorry. Ron and Scott Ashton are kind of the Eddie and Alex Van Halen of Guys Who Are Too Cool To Practice. But now they are Dead. It would be a lot better if Eddie and Alex were Dead but, even though Ron and Scott are Dead, one Day Eddie and Alex will be Dead, too. It would just be really fuckin’ Cool if Ron and Scott could have something to do with it.
Two of those guys are Brothers? Which ones? I can’t tell em apart! They all look alike! Mark and Bob Mothersbaugh are Brothers so I guess if you were going to be in DEVO you had to look like a member of the Mothersbaugh Family. Did Mom and Dad Mothersbaugh always look like that when Mark and Bob were growing up? That could be a good Comedy Sketch! (Sings) You are watching “MAD TV”! Sing it like the DEVO guy! “You are watching MAD TV!” Ha Ha Ha! What? There’s ANOTHER set of Brothers in that goddam Band? CRAP! I’m sick of Writing this Article! Do you want some Bee Gees Jokes? What is this, 1978? Fuck the Bee Gees Jokes!
The Replacements - Eh, we’ve had enough of that shit around here.
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John Saleeby wrote for The National Lampoon while he was in high school, was a stand up comic in New York, and has contributed to the net humor zines Schmuck.com, Campaign Central, and the legendary American Jerk. He's on medication now so he's probably a little nicer now than he was when you met him earlier. Email - email@example.com